Sometimes, I’ve had to turn down a relationship that I also wanted to be in. It was difficult not just for the reasons you might expect, but because all my life I’ve wanted women to love me. When I was depressed, I went through a lot of situations like that. Learning to say no to what I desperately wanted…. wasn’t easy.
But it didn’t always end badly. I got a couple of friendships—or maybe more like acquaintanceships—out of it.
I made a lot of problematic decisions over the last few years of my life. Learning to recognize my patterns and triggers has been difficult. But I became stronger. I’m still not sure I’d be strong enough to say no if it ever happened again, though. I’m still not used to being loved. Or to believing that I am loved.