My husband and I went for some months at a time when there was no peace between us. There was a lot of anger and blame, and everything was a battle. The therapist told us up front that it wasn’t her job to help us fix everything so we could stay together but rather to help us reach the right decision—for us—about what to do.
We thrashed all our ongoing issues and a lot of old ones, and I think we were both trying to be as honest as possible. The therapist helped us recognize unrealistic expectations, mistaken beliefs, misleading messages, and unintentionally antagonistic behaviors. She helped us see where we were pushing each other’s buttons. I thought we were working on making changes, but we didn’t seem to get along any better.
Finally my husband stood up in the middle of one session and said we weren’t getting anywhere and he was through there. I had no choice but to follow him out.
That was what you would have to call the nadir. There wasn’t much left to do after that but start the legal proceedings.
Maybe it was the knowledge that everything had been done, that there was nothing more to struggle for—but something happened that was utterly liberating. It really was like a phoenix arising out of the ashes. Six weeks after that low point, we turned a corner. That was twelve years ago, and by now I’d say we’re good for the long haul.
It’s hard to say exactly what part the couples counseling played in the outcome, but I do think it accelerated the resolution. I know some things have never been the same since, for better or worse. Sometimes we still refer back to things the therapist said to us and try to apply them. I believe we benefited from the process.