Here’s the situation: I’m 26 years old and I’ve been through a ride the last year and a half or so. I began going to therapy a few years ago because I felt like I was stuck with things in my life, nothing to do with my sexuality. I had always been very secure that I was straight, for the most part. There were maybe a few times I can remember where I was being hit on or touched by a man where I felt a rush of anxiety. I would question myself for about ten minutes until I saw the next girl with great hips and a great ass. Then I wouldn’t think about it again.

So a lot of what I’ve been dealing with in therapy was about control and how I’ve always had to be the one to take it in my life and I’m terrified of losing it. Anyway, I had an intimate moment when I was with a male friend (he was taking me out to his house and we were having this great we really care about each other moment). It scared the hell out of me and I brought it up in therapy and we were off to the races. I’ve obsessed about whether or not I was gay for the last year or so. It’s awful. Everything from role playing to watching gay porn to walking into a gay bar for two minutes. This has always brought a rush of anxiety and made me uncomfortable. I was and am so scared of it, because it threatens everything I want: my masculinity, my sense of self, I’d have to give up women. I basically was saying to myself if I am attracted to men, I have to give up my entire life and be someone different. Hard to think clearly when that happens. It doesn’t help that I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder with obsessive thoughts. I don’t think I’m completely making it up because it would have gone away by now (for example, I was convinced I had cancer, then I went to a doctor and never thought about it again). This still sticks with me, so there must be something that is real about it.

That being said, I’ve never had sex with or even kissed a man, I’ve dated and slept with many women,I have had anal with a woman (both giving and receiving(only a finger)) and didn’t really care for it. I found it painful and kind of gross. But I think I do find some men attractive and could even fantasize sexually about them, although I don’t know if it would ever go further than a fantasy. My family is supportive, but I do hang with a somewhat testosterone heavy crowd of friends and I would feel extremely weird and ashamed telling them that I was even questioning it.

Anyway, I guess I’m on here looking for others perspectives on it, am I on a gradient and mostly heterosexual and overreacting? What can I do to beat this once and for all? What do I need to accept about myself? Is the obsessive thing a cop out? Yadda yadda yadda.

P.S. I’m sorry if I’ve been a little graphic or if I unknowingly said something to offend homosexual people. I’m just trying to relate what’s going on with me. Thanks for taking the time to read and I’m really looking forward to reading others’ opinions on this subject.

Topics: obsession, gay, sexuality, bisexuality, NSFW, sexual confusion