I thought about it a lot when I was in so much pain and it seemed like that pain would go on forever. Since then, I’ve realize that’s what suicide is about. It’s not that anyone wants to commit suicide. It’s just that suicide seems like the only thing that will stop the pain.
I got so far as to contemplate methods—mainly jumping off the roof of a building. It was really scary sometimes how it seemed like the window was calling to me. It’s scary now to believe I was seriously thinking about it, and in danger of actually trying. I could have gotten really fucked up if I had, because it turns out that 8 floors is not sufficient to be sure you will succeed.
I would like to think that if there is a next time, I would remember it’s only about the pain and that I don’t really want to die. I hope I’ll remember there are other ways to deal with the pain. But I don’t know. Sometimes that thought can be so seductive, that you might just go through with it, as if you were sleepwalking. It’s like you get in some altered state of consciousness where you aren’t you, but you’re under the control of this nihilistic part of you that kind of relishes the thought of nothingness forever, not even knowing that there’s nothing.
Sometimes I get afraid that if I think about it, as I am now, I will pull myself down into that place that suicidal thoughts come from. Right now, in my mind, I feel like I’m trying to pull off this delicate balancing act of being able to think about it just enough to describe it, but not enough to start spiraling down.
Sometimes it seems like life is just so hard. There’s a kind of mental letting go I think I could do (don’t know because I’ve never done it), where I would let myself respond to that tug of nihilism, and go fully into the suicidal thoughts and forget everything else I know, and…
God I hope that’s just me being dramatic. I don’t want to think that could actually happen. Ok. I’m going to stop now. This line of thinking, as interesting as it might be, is bad for me.