@Coloma Indeed you are right in that secrets do have the potential to destroy intimacy. It’s a problem. Although, it all depends on what intimacy is. People have many definitions of intimacy, if I am to believe what people have written here. Many people believe it’s perfectly decent to have relationships where the partners have secrets from each other. There are therapists who believe that some secrets should never be told to significant others.
Personally, I feel like having secrets does destroy your ability to talk about everything (obviously, you can’t talk about the secret). However, just because there are things you can’t talk to your spouse about doesn’t mean you can’t have true intimacy with them.
The sex addict people believe you have to come clean about everything. I can see their point. On one level, you want to be able to talk about everything to the person you care about most, and if you can’t do that, what’s the point? However, people have many relationships, and it is not necessary, and perhaps not even desirable to get all things from one person. Most individuals don’t even have the talent necessary to do that.
Perhaps it depends on how many things that secret is involved with. If it gets too large, then it really does threaten any meaning in the relationship. It becomes more of a business relationship, which is something a huge portion of couples put up with, sadly enough. If the secret is very specific, then it doesn’t have as much impact. It might not really make a difference as far as intimacy is concerned.
It’s a complex issue—one worth of it’s own question. I’ve tried to ask it before, but it always seems like there’s more to unearth, if only you can figure out how to get at it.