Social Question

rpm_pseud0name's avatar

Is Fluther a good place to start the coming out process? Yes, I really am doing this.

Asked by rpm_pseud0name (8203points) November 10th, 2010
95 responses
“Great Question” (44points)

Yes. I am doing this. Yes. I am serious. Yes. I am more terrified than I have ever been in my entire life. (including the time I was on a roller coaster that broke down, or when my dad took my brother & I to Hooters some years ago)

Prologue: My hope, is that your reaction will be like that of the first loved one I told this to. Fraiser, my golden retriever. He loves me just the same & nothing has changed, except for the occasional gay pun at my expense. Damn dog.

I figure, telling my fellow Flutherites would be a fine place to start this process. I need to test the waters & see how I handle telling a large group of people that I talk with on a daily basis. I am open to all comments & advice you may have. More specifically, I would like to hear what it was like for other jellies to come out & jellies who have had someone come out to them. What should I expect to happen & what are some things I can do to make this easier for everyone involved? Anything that you guys have to say, will only help me through the first big step of this terrifying process.

Thank you.

p.s. c’mon people – you should’ve had a hunch about this. At one point in time, my 3 ‘greatest answers’ were all gay-themed. You guys make this so difficult. Of course, hindsight is always 20/20… & kind of a bitch.

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Kayak8's avatar

It only gets better from here! Once you acknowledge who you really are to yourself and then start to validate that self in your interactions with others, there can be a significant experience of freedom. I came out when I was 18 (officially to others) and have now been out for more than half of my life. I have been afforded tremendous opportunities to be out (due to my job), but things were rough with my family at first and, even today, I get a little worried coming out to former high school chums. The folks who know me in my adult life have never known me to be any different than I am now.

I think personal disclosure needs to be done in a mindful, safe way. I wouldn’t take out a billboard, and I would shore up my sources of strength and support before I came out to anyone whose reaction might sting.

ducky_dnl's avatar

:O I didn’t expect that one. Anyway, it depends on the person. I feel you did a good job telling your fellow jellies and that you felt comfortable to tell us. I’d expect a lot of shock. I didn’t think you were gay in the slightest. That wore off quickly though. Judging about what I read about your family on another Q, I’d expect that they would accept it. Good job. (:

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Well thank you for telling me and us – this is a big step, it seems and I am glad you found the courage to do it. Later on I’ll give you a special queer hug ~ :) I don’t know where you live or how traditional your surroundings are so I can’t gauge the reactions of people that you might encounter. Here in NYC, in most places, people would say ‘cool, fine by me, hope you’re happy’ and move on but there is a lot of homophobia out there and even well-intentioned misinformation (but I’ll never have grandchildren…you get the point). Oh and another thing: you never stop coming out, not on Fluther (as new members get to know you), not in life. Eventually, you get better at handling whatever comes your way and this won’t be so scary. I remember coming out to my mom and some friends when I was a teenager and I was coming out as bisexual then…it was tough, my friends laughed about it (many identify as queer now, it was just hard for all of us the Russian immigrant community) and my mom ignores it to this day (the rest of my immediate family don’t know and they wouldn’t be cool with it) gender identity has been more difficult to talk about but also a more recent development in my life so that’s still hard to come out about to people so I know exactly what you’re saying…I get ‘the fear’ before ‘the talk’...but it is important, for you…you’ll see

Blackberry's avatar

We’re pretty tolerant, but I can’t help you when it comes to people in your life that you know lol.

Frankie's avatar

My son is gay???

Seriously though, congrats and all the best! I’m sure you’ll find nothing but love and acceptance here, and I hope that is the case with your family and friends as well :)

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Fluther is a great forum for this. If you’ve been at all hesitant before to answer or post with your views or experiences then it should be more comfortable now, more powerful in your sharing.

absalom's avatar

Let me play the role of the snarky friend, then: “Honey, you named your dog Frasier. We’ve known.”

Welcome, and congratulations.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Congratulations on your new life. Everything and nothing will ever be the same again.

funkdaddy's avatar


My little brother (not so little anymore) is gay and came out when he was 17 or 18. It set him free in a lot of ways and made him all the more confident in his interactions. It was absolutely the best thing he could do and I hope you find the same strength in it.

The smartest thing I think he did was to drop my parents a note where they would find it and then leave for a short while (spent the night elsewhere)... they accept him no matter what, but it was something of a surprise for them and there wasn’t any misunderstanding or hurt feelings due to an initial reaction of surprise. I’d hate for that initial surprise (and their reaction) to be your memory of letting them know.

I’d also let those you love know as soon as your comfortable.

jaytkay's avatar

My own family experience – my brother came out, he was 30ish. And I was relieved because I was afraid he had no social life. So it was great to find he simply kept that separate from his family, and he no longer had to partition his life. My dad was taken aback a bit, but not for long. My brother’s long-time partner is like another son to my parents and a brother to me.

All the best, congrats!

free_fallin's avatar

I lurve you just the way you are.

Whether I suspected or not is of no importance, but I am pleased to see you take this step. It’s a huge step and you will feel better about yourself and your life for taking it.

Also, your dog’s name is Fraiser? I love the show Fraiser.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

Yay! Welcome! ::licks your face::

john65pennington's avatar

Lets get this straight from the beginning, i am straight and always will be. so, its difficult for me to give you firsthand information about your decision.

I will tell you this. after 66 years of dealing with all sorts of people, i can say that your sexual choice is just that…......yours. my wifes cousin is gay and he is married to another gay man. to me, they are just another family member that made a difference choice. i am a smoker of cigarettes and thats my personal choice.

In conclusion, you have made the right choice to share this with the people here. only one request….....if your parents do not know, please break it to them gently. they will love you no matter the situation.

janbb's avatar

Good on ya, mate! I think this is a great place to explore coming out; I have learned so much about sex and gender issues here.

Mazel Tov!

downtide's avatar

I first came out as transsexual in an online community – not this one – about three years before I came out to my first offline friend. I found that the internet community I belonged to was a great support and without it, I probably would never have done so at all. And Fluther is one of the best and most accepting communities I know. So yes, I think Fluther is the perfect place to come out. I hope it all goes really well for you.

chyna's avatar

I wanted to lick your face first but @papayalily got there before me. I think you will do just fine.
Fraiser is a great dog’s name.

Response moderated (Spam)
cookieman's avatar

Congrats :) :)

Jude's avatar

Give me a bit of time; I do want to write up a good response, but, am busy with prep. The one thing that I want to say, though, now is:

“welcome, home!”

We’re family. :)

ben's avatar

That’s a huge step—congrats!

You may be interested in the It Gets Better Project, a series of awesome videos from adults with messages to LGBT youth.

I’m flattered that you used Fluther for this. Thanks :)

ben (8715points)“Great Answer” (20points)
Sarcasm's avatar

I don’t have much to add here since we’ve already discussed pretty much everything, and I don’t have any personal experience to put in. But I am, again, glad you took this step forward, I think you’ll be able to feel more comfortable in your own skin when you don’t feel like you’re alone.
As always, I have been here and I will be here even if I disappear from time to time for any support.
and I am so happy to see Fluther responding exactly as I hoped for. <3

rangerr's avatar

1. I will not stop hitting on you. Ever.

2. Real life is not like Glee. It can be I suppose, but I’ve never seen it happen. You know what I mean. I hope.

3. The first people to know I was bisexual was my Auto Body class my sophomore year of high school. We were watching Hackers, and I mentioned that I’d “totally bang Angelina Jolie” and proceeded to defend myself when someone stated “that’s kinda gay”. At the time, we probably had… 2 kids who were out in the school. Out of about 3,000. So after the initial “that’s hot” comments, they realized that I was serious and told me that if I ever got any crap about it, they’d have my back. I told my best friend at the time, and she stopped talking to me. Apparently being Bi means that you’re in love with every girl that you see. She told me that I should of told her sooner, so she wouldn’t have changed in front of me or stayed over at my house. Lovely, yes?

My parents still don’t really know. My entire family is very racist and homophobic.. and I’m pretty sure I’d be kicked out of my house and shunned from family gatherings if I told them I fancied girls even though I’m in a relationship with a guy they all adore. There’s nothing I can do to change them. Some people from my mom’s church’s youth group know, because I thought I’d be able to tell them things without being judged. A few of them were quick to tell me that I’m going to hell for having “impure” thoughts. My Facebook status the other day was: So, sometimes I like kissing girls. It’d really be awesome if I didn’t have to stop talking to people who decide to tell me it’s a sin. Grow up, world. This was the first time I ever said anything about it to multiple people. So I suppose it was a mini-coming out? Not at all, really. There’s a lack of better wording right now. I got a few messages from people I went to high school with and a few of my family members about it. Most of them were along the lines of: “I didn’t know that..” but a few family members said they were disappointed in me. They promised not to tell my parents, so we’ll see how this goes.
I feel like I’m rambling now. But you asked. You ramble too, so it’s okay.

4. I can’t tell you what to expect. Every case is different. I’ve had a friend who came out to his dad.. which led his dad to come out to him right after. But on the opposite end, I had a friend get kicked out of his house and 3 years later, still isn’t allowed back. I’m not even sure what to tell you about making it easier. I’m still struggling with it. maybe someone else can be more helpful than I am right now. But I can tell you that I will always be here for you. Always.

5. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

muppetish's avatar

Congratulations! How are you feeling? Happy? Nervous? Excited? :) Thank you for sharing this piece of yourself with us.

One of my favourite coming out stories involves a friend of mine from second grade who is like family (my mother calls him her fourth child.) The kids at school claimed to “know” that he was gay. He never used the label himself, so neither did I. When we sophomores, he came out by introducing me to his boyfriend. There was no big confession or lapse in continuity – we carried on seamlessly.

What @Simone_De_Beauvoir mentioned “you never stop coming out, not on Fluther (as new members get to know you), not in life” is absolutely true. It’s one of those things I never thought about at first.

It’s not easy for everyone. I have friends whose parents are in deep denial, others who have had to overcome tremendous self-loathing. I have lost friendships due to a lack of compassion and understanding. It hurts, but those who won’t continue to love you (not accept or tolerate, but love you) are not worthy of your time or tears.

And can I just add that this community is so extraordinarily wonderful :) What beautiful people we have here!

6rant6's avatar

Like it makes any difference to me. Just so long as your not Canadian or something.

flutherother's avatar

I’m not gay myself and so don’t really know what all the fuss is about. Is it really such a big deal nowadays? But being taken to Hooters by your father jeez, gay or not that is the stuff of nightmares!!

chels's avatar

Aw :) This is so awesome and makes my heart soooooo happy!

tragiclikebowie's avatar

Holy wow. I had no idea, honestly. But I lurve you just the way you are. Except now I am a little bit sadder that another attractive man is playing for the other team snap

If you ever need any support via fluther, AIM or even in person, I will be here for you, Ricky.

And I have a friend if youre interested :P

lillycoyote's avatar

I think it’s a great place to start the process. I think there’s a lot of support and affection here to kind of ease you in to the process. It shouldn’t make any difference. It’s not something anyone should have to do, “coming out.” Straight people don’t have to but the world isn’t perfect. I’m straight so I’ve never had to go through it and I guess I really can’t have any idea what it’s like but there are a lot of great people here who do know what it’s like and they can help you more than I can. I can just send out good vibes and wish for you that everyone who “hears the news” either couldn’t care less, one way or the other; and that’s the way it should be or, that they love and support you no matter what.

Allie's avatar

All I can say is I love you. Just the same as I did yesterday, and the same as I will tomorrow. ♥

nikipedia's avatar

I think this calls for some rainbows!

Cupcake's avatar

Yes, Fluther is a good place to start the coming out process.

Fluther-land is so proud of you.

In return for our undying love and support, you now must pay us back with updates of our process along the way.

We’ll be here for you… no matter who you want to have sex with.


Berserker's avatar

I think Fluther is a good place to start, as you say, to get a feel for the water. Plenty of understanding folks out here, plenty of intelligent peeps with good advice. There are other gays on here too who can most likely help you out with their own experiences. And even if you weren’t looking or wanting advice, plenty of good listeners.
Now then, you probably know this already I’m sure, but I personally wouldn’t base everything around your coming out experience from Fluther, but as you can see already from responses, it sure as hell ain’t a waste of time, either.

I have no real advice. I’m bi sexual but in my head it’s always been natural. I’m sure being gay is the same for you, but you obviously have some fears and anxieties about coming out, whether here or in your real life entourage; that’s more than understandable. Just saying although my disposition is a bit different, I’ve never felt anything like that whether I tell people or not, aside from some slight relief, so I wouldn’t really know how to approach those you wanna tell and how to go about it.
However, upon so doing, should you experience negative responses, which you very well might, this doesn’t mean to dismiss this person. Try to understand why they feel that way or why they reason as they do, if they’re willing to say. BUT the important part is that no matter how bad someone’s reaction or view may be, do not let it make you feel that you’re a lesser man and whatnot because of it. Because that’s fucking bullshit.
I’m not trying to be depressing or corny; I’m guessing you’ll probbaly be well recieved, for the most part.

With that, I say, all the power to you, man.

Carly's avatar

I’ve come out to both my parents and most of my friends. Instead of shunning me or telling me im horrible, they simply laughed at me and said “sure.” so in a way I still haven’t come out of the closet yet—they just pushed me back in.

I’m not exactly sure how they would react if they believed me. :/

MissAnthrope's avatar

I agree that Fluther is a good set of training wheels in anticipation for coming out on a wider scope. I know I was so confused and tormented and afraid, but then when I came out, it was incredibly anti-climactic. Everyone I knew and cared about accepted me, and it turned out I was worrying for nothing. I hope you have the same experience with your friends and family, that it’s as painless as possible.

And welcome to the team!

liminal's avatar

Lots of respect to you @rpmpseudonym! Are there specific people you are scared to tell? For me, remembering to give such people space to come to terms with the info (just like it took me time to understand things) was vital to saving certain relationships. It was also important, and continues to be important, to be gentle with me even if others forget to be the same.

syz's avatar

Welcome! Welcome to the club!

syz (35649points)“Great Answer” (6points)
augustlan's avatar

I’m so proud of you! You will always have my support and friendship. <3

Blueroses's avatar

Congratulations on taking the first big step. You chose a great place to test the waters. Jellies are almost as loving as Golden Retrievers (the best dogs, ever!) How are your nerves doing now?
@MissAnthrope I misplaced the “team” schedule. Who do you play next?!

Cruiser's avatar

I will still shower with you at the pool and know you have a great support group here. Mind you the real world may throw you a few hard knocks and at the same time a loving embrace. You took a huge first step and feel good, feel proud of who you are and never settle for less! <<knuckles>>

faye's avatar

So doesn’t matter to me who you want to sleep with! Hope all goes well.

iamthemob's avatar

Here’s the thing – any place, any time, is the right time and place to start the coming out process – as long as it’s what makes you feel comfortable. I do think that internet forums, and particularly a place like fluther, offer a great method to begin the process because (1) it’s all fairly anonymous, and (2) it shows you that there is a community out there.

Good luck!

El_Cadejo's avatar

I dont have a whole lot to put forth I just wanted to say congratulations on making this big step. I wish you the best. Just always be confident in who you are. :)

evil2's avatar

The only advice i have ever given to someone coming out was to my brother Inlaws and that was don’t do it in a moving vehicle cause If it goes badly you don’t wanna be trapped in a car with them

Joybird's avatar

I thought you were coming out as a socialist or a Republican or something. You’re just gay. I’d say congrats but it all seems so normal to me…kind of like when you realize genders have different body parts….only you like the same parts as yours. It’s good to be out unless of course you are a libertarian and a tree hugger in America. Hugs. High fives.

iamthemob's avatar

Real quick – I’d love it if the world were the way @Joybird seems to think it is in terms of it being good to be out in the U.S. The problem is – it’s not true. It’s much, much more true now than it used to be, and it’s constantly getting better…but coming out of the closet isn’t an act, it’s a constant process. You never stop doing it.

In all honesty, you’re going to now face people who you know or who you meet that are going to treat you differently – and sometimes cruelly. But you knew that, otherwise you wouldn’t have waited to do it. What’s amazing about coming out of the closet is the fact that you no longer are constantly carrying the burden of pretending. Even when you are not responding or participating in conversations around you about relationships, etc., when you’re in the closet you still feel like you’re doing work even when you’re not actively lying. Now, even if you choose not to talk about it, you’re not going to feel like you’re lying.

That’s how it was for me. But in any case, the burden that comes off you is a general relief, and most of the time well worth the individual incidents that might happen, and probably will happen, in your future. Perhaps the best part about it is the fact that, unlike many other people, you get to now find out who are your real friends – and who are the ones who really love you.

KatawaGrey's avatar

I suppose this is a good thing. I was developing a little bit of a crush on you and I am a taken woman…

I think this is an excellent place to start the coming out process! Don’t be disheartened by your dog’s insensitive puns. It is a well-known fact that cats, iguanas and guinea pigs are the only pets that make no jokes at their gay owner’s expense. Goldfish are the worst however, so avoid fish bowls if you are not prepared for a well-aimed jab at your sexuality.

As a bisexual woman, my experiences of coming out which happen regularly, I suppose are wildly different. From observing other newly out folks the best piece of advice I can give you is to assume nothing. You may find that your best friend is uncomfortable around you now but that your coworkers don’t think about it twice. Be prepared to be set up with every gay man your friends know because, obviously, all gay men like all other gay men.

Also, beware of this.

syz's avatar

@KatawaGrey Do you find that as a bisexual, you are automatically labeled as gay? I’ve given up on trying to explain the difference now, and just accept it.

syz (35649points)“Great Answer” (2points)
iamthemob's avatar

@syz – that’s part of the reason why I originally asked this question – and appreciated your answer to it. ;-)

KatawaGrey's avatar

@syz: I am in a relationship with a man so mostly people just assume I’m straight which is why I “come out” on a regular basis. I think because of that, people often think that when I say I’m bi, that means I sometimes make out with girls in front of my boyfriend. Truthfully, I’m not entirely sure what it means except that I’m not only sexually attracted to males.

downtide's avatar

@KatawaGrey I’m in a similar situation. In a relationship with a man, and percieved by others as a woman, so therefore percieved as straight. Truth is I’m neither a woman nor straight.

KatawaGrey's avatar

@downtide: Truthfully, I don’t think of you as a man or a woman, gay or straight. I just think you are.

rpm_pseud0name's avatar

I have a quip I am working on, I will post it later today. Thank you all for your patience & support.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@KatawaGrey That’s interesting. I think of @downtide as a male who is still in a commited relationship with his husband who loves him for who he is.

@rpmpseudonym Just let people know, as long as it is safe in whatever county you live in. As @iamthemob said, it will bring a peace of mind and you will find out who your true friends are. My guess is that you will be pleasantly surprised by how many friends and relations either alreay suspect it or could care less. They love you for who you are and not your sexual preference.

Here is a response to an e-mail to a gradeschool friend of mine sent when I asked him how his father dealt with the fact that his younger son admitted that he was gay, despite the father being a homophobic and years of being a Boy Scout leader.

“The Scout Oath, which we had to recite every meeting, ends with “and morally straight”.... At the time, Dad was homophobic so he believed that. He’s come a long way. There are several other families in the church who have gay kids so that’s helped him. Plus he really likes D. and he knows C. has a good heart. Mom said at one point, he made a list of all the people he suspected were gay and he decided he really liked all of them and that helped. He and mom both made pretty touching speeches about how happy they are for C. and D. after the wedding. ”

rpm_pseud0name's avatar

I’m back & about to write a long ass quip. Now sit yourself down & read every damn word of it! Please.

The hours after pressing that ‘Ask Fluther’ button: I shut down the computer (somehow thinking that made it all go away). Moderate panic attack. I put on my running shoes. Plugged my ears with a ‘favorites mix’ & started to run. I didn’t stop. I needed to move. Sitting still, I felt like I would do something stupid & that scared me. Miles later & I realized I couldn’t run from this. This run was getting me no where – literally – so I got off the treadmill – took coldest shower possible. Watched a movie. Ate a bowl of ironic cereal (Fruity Pebbles). I laugh right now, because the only time my brain wasn’t processing what had happened…was when I ate cereal. The run, cold shower, movie…the entire time all I could think about – was what I had just done. The second I sat down to eat cereal…POOF, my mind was clear & all I could think about was ‘What rocks eat on their birthday.’ I still don’t know – because the punchline is printed on the inside of the box, instead of upside down & at the bottom. Bastards. The day ended & I went to bed.

So here I am now…I have read through & lurved all the quips. Which was a pain in the ass by the way. I wish there was a button like in Google Mail.. ‘Lurve All’. I will preface my responses to all of you, with some details that I had left out of my question, which was frequently asked about & I apologize. (but give me a break – in my countdown to hitting the submit button, I left out the 4, in 5,4,3,2,1. true story)

My family is a very closed minded people. They aren’t religious in any way, so they wont be hitting me over the head with the Bible, to try & smack the gay out of me.They have voiced their opinions of the folks in the lgbt community in the past, none of it was good. So, it will take a long time before I can come to them about this. However long it may take, I am forever grateful to know that Fluther & the jellies will always be there for me. Thank you.

Now as you exit the auditorium, you will notice goody-bags on your way out. Please take the one that has your name on it. & No swapping the contents or bitching about who got more. You get what I gave you. Thanks for listening & good day!

I have a couple running jokes through these individual quips & I also provide a couple more details about my situation & other anecdotes. So, please – try to read through them all if you can. Thank you.

@Kayak8 – Thank you for the kind & insightful words. (Lucky for me, billboards are illegal in Maine..but, should I cancel the sky-writing plane? )

@ducky_dnl – Thank you duckelpants. You have been wonderful since day one.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – ‘Special queer hug’… is that the one with an ass-grab & you tell me if my shirt makes me look chunky? Thank you, for everything.

@Blackberry – Thank you & everyone else for being such a tolerant & wonderful group of people. You guys have definitely made this easier than expected.

@Frankie – Your video link didn’t work for me. I think youtube’s anti-gay filter has finally figured me out. But thank you none-the-less.

@Neizvestnaya – It will take me a bit more time before I feel comfortable writing honestly, but I am so very glad that Fluther has made it this much easier. Thank you.

@absalom – I suppose it doesn’t help, that I have a cat named, Miss. Kitty? :) really, I do

@worriedguy – Wise words. That’s exactly how it feels right now. Thank you.

@funkdaddy – Thank you for that. I only wish that my older brother could be as understanding/accepting as you are towards your younger brother.

@jaytkay – Thank you so much. The idea of no longer partitioning my life, is a huge relief. Does this mean I have to defrag it?

@free_fallin – Thank you. We’ll have to get together for a Frasier marathon. I’ll bring the appletinis. :D

@papayalily – Since I am still new to this, I don’t know how to respond to that… do I sniff your butt?

@john65pennington – So when did you make the choice to be straight?

@janbb – Thank you. Your penguin presence is always reassuring & comforting.

@downtide – Thank you. I am so very glad that you & all these jellies are here for the support I was needing.

@chyna – papayalilly may have licked my face, but you are more than welcome to scratch my tummy & feed me treats. Thank you.

@noelleptc – Thank you & a big smile back-atcha :D :D

@cprevite – Since I’m trying not to repeat myself on my thank you cards… HI & thanks for the double dose of smiles.

@mama_cakes – I couldn’t be happier in any other home. Thank you.

@ben – A quip from the founder himself!! ::Stands up straight, fixes hair, checks breath, pops a tictac, clears throat ‘ahem’:: Thank you so very much for not just your kind words, but for creating such a wonderful place where I felt safe enough to do this. The work you guys put into this site, has me eternally grateful. A heavy & heartfelt, thank you – for everything.

@Sarcasm – Danke. I don’t think I can ever thank you enough. For being the best twin I could have asked for. For being the greatest person I have come to know online. For your constant reminders that Summer Glau is hot. For helping me through this crazy ass journey that led me to this. Danke. Danke. Danke.

@rangerr – Oh, Madi. Of course I wouldn’t’ want you to stop hitting on me. It really is the only reason I come to Fluther. Thank you being the coolest person on the interweb. You make everything better, just by being there.

@muppetish – Mostly nervous. But I’m getting better with time. Thank you for the wonderful story. Also, I too agree that this community is just extraordinary.

@6rant6 – Well, I’m in Maine – does that make me Canadian by proximity? (I also went to Canada for a hockey camp once) Either way, thank you.

@flutherother – You want to know the worst part? yes, it gets worse My father did that thing, where you pay to have all the waitresses come & sit with you, to have a picture taken. I think instead of saying ‘cheese’, I should have blurted out, ‘I like guys!’. It’s not like Hooters is known for their fine dinning etiquette. Thanks for the support. I still like you. I’m just gonna have to deal with the fact that: You date, you’re straight, get used to it.

@chels – Thank you. You being on Fluther makes my heart soooo happy. Just my heart though. ;)

@tragiclikebowie – I know – sorry, it’s just that the other team has way cooler jerseys. Thank you for being a wonderful friend & willing to pimp me out to your friends. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

@lillycoyote – Thank you. Just this morning I felt the good vibes that you sent out. Or was that the massage shower head? Thank you either way.

@Allie – Thank you, I love you just the same too…well, maybe a little more. Now I need to break the news to Rufus Dooper. ʘ‿ʘ

@nikipedia – Are you aware that, one of the first images on the page you link to.. is of a naked ladies bum, while wearing rainbow knee high socks? Sorry sweetie, the subliminal messages wont work on me. Nice try though. You had good intentions & I thank you for that. :)

@Cupcake – I have a feeling these updates will occur less frequently than the presidential election. But I promise to keep you guys up to date on my progress. Thank you for the support.

@Symbeline – Such a great quip. That you so much. Your advice is golden. Or do I have to say rainbow colored for everything from now on?

@Carly – I get the feeling, if/when I tell my parents, it will take a bit for them to comprehend what I am saying. I’ll have to get used to saying, “No, Dad.. I’m not, Gaelic.” For what it’s worth, I believe you. :) also, your boyfriend’s cuteness is off the charts, even a straight guy would think so

@MissAnthrope – So far, yes – my expectations were wildly over hyped. Fluther has proven to be the best place to start this whole thing. Thank you & yes, I picked up my team jersey a few minutes ago. I look good in powder blue.

@liminal – My family. It will be an absolute nightmare. I suppose I could print out his entire thread & have it ready to show them. Exhibit A – in the ‘People Love Me For Who I am vs. The People who will cry over not having ‘legitimate’ grandchildren.’ Thank you for the support.

@syz – Okay, I got the team jersey, I was not aware that there was a club members jacket as well. When do I get fitted for that & can the tailor measure my inseam, just for the hell of it? Thank you!

@augustlan – You already know how wonderful I think you are. :) Even if you didn’t accept me, I think I would still love you just the same. You are just too amazing. It is impossible to not like you. Thank you for everything you have done for me.

@Blueroses – My nerves have taken a shock to the system over the past 24 hours. I feel terrified & liberated at the same time. Lucky for me, I have my golden rainbow retriever. Thank you. I was emailed the schedule, we play the hairy-gay-men’s team, The Gummy Bears on Friday. See you there.

@Cruiser – Thank you. I am grateful to have your support. As for showering at the pool – I may take a peek, but only to make sure I’m still the biggest. I’m 6’ 2” with a size 13 shoe. Check & mate, my good man.

@faye – So should I not have sent that PM, detailing the people I have slept with? Thank you for being supportive & not caring at the same time. It means a lot. Really.

@iamthemob – Thank you. The more I visit Fluther, the more I realize that this site & the jellies that swim around it – is the greatest thing to happen to the internet.

@uberbatman – I think now, I can be your uberrobin, no? Thank you for the sentiment & support. I really do appreciate it.

@evil2 – Also – I suspect a horrific car crash would result in that too. Thank you for the sound advice.

@Joybird – May I say, you are just wonderful. Thank you. sidenote, gays don’t high-five

@iamthemob – Tha—wait a minute! I already thanked you. Are you trying to sneak another ass-grab hug?

@KatawaGrey – I am flattered. Imagine this smiley, :)…blushing. Also, I once had a goldfish, the bastard made a nasty joke about me buying pepperoni & having it sliced, he said something about, “what is, your ass a piggy bank?” I flushed that fucker down the toilet so fast. Never again will I have fish. Thank you for the advice & comments. You are a real treasure here in the Fluther Sea.

@Pied_Pfeffer – Thank you for your support & touching story. I was never a boy scout – because I look atrocious in olive pants & tan shirt.

OKAY. I think I got everybody. Thank you all so much for the tremendous amount of love & support. You truly are the greatest people on the web.

rpm_pseud0name's avatar

Marble Cake… I just checked. Marble cake is what rocks eat on their birthday.

Blueroses's avatar

marble cake is such an anticlimax
I got sympathetic goose bumps reading your reaction to posting your question… oh, baby! Been there after making an admission without being sure of the reaction. Your bravery is astounding.
You are charming and delightful. Whether you were aligned with the golden or the rainbow or the hairy bears, that would not change. Your core has not changed. But perhaps now you can take deeper breaths.

janbb's avatar

@rpmpseudonym Besides being a great gay guy, you are one hell of a writer! This is one of those threads that makes Fluther so Fluthery and me want to choke up. Un-fucking-believable!

Berserker's avatar

I laughed my ass off at the Fruity Pebble part. XD
About your family, that sounds a little depressing, but sadly, it’s to be expected of from people. What do you think you’ll do? Anyways, I’m all ears, either publicly on Fluther or through PM’s.

augustlan's avatar

I love you people. ♥ {group hug}

tragiclikebowie's avatar

@rpmpseudonym I think this means you need to take the Amtrak down to Boston so I can pimp you out. And so maybe we can go skating on the Frog Pond. And then go eat at a fabulous hot pot restaurant in Chinatown. To celebrate. With fireworks. In the cold. Before it snows.

rpm_pseud0name's avatar

@tragiclikebowie, I’m gonna need a good hooker name then. Something like, All-Beef Patty or Panty Lederhosen.

iamthemob's avatar

@rpmpseudonym – those are drag queen names…not stripper names. You’re new at this…but you’ll eventially learn. ;-)

KatawaGrey's avatar

Wait a minute, I’m in CT. Can I come?

Blueroses's avatar

my stripper name is Shanghai Juniper, can I come?

rangerr's avatar

@rpmpseudonym I love you and all.. but marble cake? You couldn’t have faked a better answer?

tragiclikebowie's avatar

@KatawaGrey YES. Fluther group outing.

downtide's avatar

It’s threads like this one that proves to me what a wonderful community Fluther is.

cookieman's avatar

The treadmill line was flippin’ hilarious.

I don’t know you very well (seen ya ‘round is all), but I hope (when the day comes) your family accepts you whole heartedly – ‘cuz they’d clearly be denying themselves a relationship with a great person if they didn’t.

janbb's avatar

This may well be one of the best Fluther questions of all time – right up there next to Gary’s marriage proposal.

marinelife's avatar

Wah! I am late to @rpmpseudonym‘s coming out party?

Congratulations on taking such a big step. It was scary, and your life will never be the same, but in a good way.

My only contribution is an anecdote. One of my good friends from work (he gave me a 78rpm copy of the cast album of Oklahoma for my birthday once) took me into his bedroom at a party at his house and told me he was gay. We stayed in there talking so long and hugging that someone came and knocked on the door. At which point, my friend and I said at the same time, “We’re coming out.” At which point we just looked at each other and dissolved in laughter. (OK, we had been drinking, but it seemed hysterical at the time.)

free_fallin's avatar

@rpmpseudonym I’m all for Fraiser marathons and fluther outings!

nebule's avatar

Congratulations @rpm_pseud0name xx I came out last year to my family as bisexual and I still think they just think that…really..“you know she’ll still get married to a bloke in the end…” Everyone has their own opinion I suppose… my coming out hasn’t really affected me too much really in terms of other people, it was a actually a bit like… hmmm whatever… BUT! It’s important to me to acknowledge my sexuality and love myself for who I am regardless of all the unspoken judgements and opinions. For the majority though people have been accepting.

I hope that you find your friends and family accepting and embracing and that you enjoy the journey xxx

rpm_pseud0name's avatar

(jellies beware, this quip will be friggin’ long & also carry a different tone than my previous quips)

As some of you may/may not know, I asked to have this question removed for personal reasons, not too long after asking it. I know I don’t have to explain myself – but I’ll feel like an asshole if I didn’t. Pretty sure no one checks activity on old questions anyhow, so this quip is more for my own benefit/therapeutic tool.

I asked to remove the question because of fear/paranoia. My parents/friends use the internet, including twitter/facebook. After posting this question, I started thinking that it was just a matter of time before they would somehow come across this question, with a variation on a familiar username. Every time my phone rang, or I was being called into a room – my heart would stop. My mind would race. I would go into a panic, “Fuck. They saw the question. Shitfuckfuckfuckmotherfucker, they know! They know! Quick, grab your shit & run away. Don’t answer the phone. Don’t go into the room. Just RUN!” It was a fucking nightmare, knowing that this question was alive on the internet. Each day it was alive – it was slowly killing me.

Fast forward to the days/weeks after it was taken down.

I am still trying to sort myself out. I make jokes with the internet friends who I chat with. I try to make it appear as though I am handling it better than I really am. Which is also why I am doing this long update here. I don’t like when I become negative/depressed when talking directly to them. I feel it just brings everyone down & they don’t deserve that. So, if I just write all that crap into this quip, I wont feel bad about unloading it onto them & they won’t feel obligated to stay & listen. Win/win.

I suppose I could insert here, the tiny piece of good news that happened on Christmas eve. I discovered that an old high school friend (who I haven’t spoken with in about 6 years) had come out to family/friends a few years ago. I wrote to him – asking to keep my anonymity & for advice. He agreed. It wasn’t until my third message to him, did he reveal that he knew who I was from the beginning. SO. As of now. There is one person in my real life, who knows the real me. It is both a small relief & absolutely terrifying. He knows my parents & we share some of the same friends. At this moment, he could single handedly tear my life apart. He told me I have nothing to worry about & that he will keep this private. But just knowing someone out there is capable of setting such a monstrous fire to the world I live in… is the weirdest feeling ever. This bit of news doesn’t have the happiest of endings. As of now, my friend hasn’t written back to me in two weeks. He lives just a couple minutes away. But I do not feel comfortable making that trip, at. all.

Fast forward to the week leading up to my decision to have this question re-posted.

I have been really unhappy. Those ‘It Gets Better’ videos are nice & all. (The one from Pixar meant the most to me, seeing as they are my dream job company), but for me… shit just gets worse. With every visit with the brother, comes a gay slur falling out of his ignorant mouth. Christmas with grandparents, even more gay slurs. The idea of coming out to these people – is stomach turning. I know I don’t need their approval or even their acceptance. But I do live/see/visit/talk with these people. I don’t have the funds to move west & start over right now.

I’ll take a momentary break from this shit to tell a joke to the fools who have read this far. What do you call a septic cat? . . puss :) When you wipe away the tears from your uproarious laughter, feel free to continue reading this quip.

A huge part of my unhappiness, is that I haven’t really accepted who I am yet. Should it be this difficult to love who you are? I see people like my high school friend, or even DominicX right here on Fluther & I feel like, what the hell am I doing wrong? DominicX is 6 years younger than me & he is just so full of life & knows who he is & embraces it. I am so damn jealous of him that I actually become a bit resentful. (good thing he isn’t following this thread, :)

Through conversation with a couple of jellies – we came to a fuzzy conclusion (on why I have a hard time accepting myself) that my entire life – this brain of mine has been told by others, that being gay is bad. I reached an age where I knew they were wrong, but there is still that very faint voice that battles with the other voice(s) up there. (Yes, I have many voices/arguments/discussions up there. My brain is a busy place)

I started feeling really depressed about having to come to grips with this & so I lost myself in both my work & rpg video games. After that binge of unhealthy activity, I became angry & pissed off at everyone. Not so much in the ‘why the hell do I have to deal with this shit & not everyone else?’.. but more of a, ‘I hate that I can’t handle this.’ & this isn’t something that is going away. So I need to deal with this sooner, rather than later.

Which brings me to tonight.

I am growing tired of this shit. I’m sick of waiting on me – to accept myself – before telling family. I am becoming very depressed. If all this breaks out in a ball of fury & punches get thrown about – I just don’t care. At least then I would be forced to deal with it & the agony would either be over… or just beginning. I don’t know.

It is now 9:00am… not sure if it helped typing all this crap out. (my apologies to nebule, who just wrote a wonderful quip & then I had to go & shit on it with this behemoth of depress.)

I wish I had better things to say, on this first official update. I don’t expect anyone to read all this or reply to it. Since I am not really asking any questions. This was just so I could type it out. Since I don’t have a blog/twitter… this is my venting ground. :) I recently learned of this nifty trick on reddit & other sites. Where people would type TL;DR & a uber tiny summary at the end of a long article for those Twitter generation folk. So I am going to give it a try.

TL;DR oatmeal cookies came out flat, suggestions?

rangerr's avatar

I love you. A whole lot. As for the cookies.. I’ll take ‘em anyway.

nebule's avatar

@rpm_pseud0name you’ve no need to apologize hun x Sorry you’re going through this really hard time xxxx Just remember you are an amazing unique person and you have every right to lead the life that you want to live xx love xxx

chyna's avatar

@rpm_pseud0name Thank you for sharing, and yes, we do read all that.

downtide's avatar

@rpm_pseud0name I wish I had some suggestions to offer but I understand your worries. I just don’t know how to handle them. My personal solution (which I don’t really recommend) is usualy to break ties with people when I don’t trust sharing things with them. Especially ones who spout the hate. I don’t think this is a helpful solution but aside from just telling everyone, and hang the consequences, I can’t think of anything else. Eventually, you get to the age where it no longer matters what your parents think of you.

aprilsimnel's avatar

@rpm_pseud0name – make sure you have as many of your friends here and in real life know who you are. They’re your “family of choice”, and they will be your rock. At some point, when you’re strong enough and when you deep-down understand that the hate your biological family shows is about them and not you, then you’ll be able to tell them, because you’ll already have a base of people who love and respect you exactly for who you are.


marinelife's avatar

@rpm_pseud0name I loved this thread when it was originally posted. It restored my faith in Fluther at a time when it had been shaken.

I would think that rereading your original question details and the responses that you got would give you hope and strength when you are questioning yourself.

I am a little worried about all the anger. It sounds like you need to talk to a gay-friendly therapist. Can you check and see if there is a local gay supporting organization that offers free counseling?

You need to be around gay friends and culture.

Are you living at home?

I am sorry that your friend who came out did not respond. Perhaps he got busy during the holidays. Give him time. Contact him again and set up a meeting for coffee. You need some support.

Remember that your sexual orientation is just part of who you are. The basic you has not changed. Frasier knows that.

Can you work toward getting out on your own? Maybe if you had that to look forward to?

Listening to anti-gay slurs coming from the lips of your loved ones cannot be fun or good for you.

We love you here. Try to remember that.

Don’t despair.

KatawaGrey's avatar

Just remember, you are the greatest, the prettiest and the specialest of the luminous beings that we are thanks to Yoda and @rangerr.

Also, a tip about the cookies, don’t open the oven door and look at them too much. The first time I made cookies, I kept looking at them and the heat would go out of the oven. Also, they look a little liquid when you first take them out, but they settle down into a more acceptable shape. Whatever you do, do not keep cooking them thinking you’ll bake the liquid right out. That results in flat, hard cookies.

Anyhoo, back to the serious problem.

Something important to remember is that these people are your blood. They may not be your family, but they are your blood. They raised you and looked after you your whole life. It is okay for you to want their approval and to wonder if something is wrong with you because they don’t like something about you. Nothing is wrong with you, but to question what you have been taught your whole life is a tough, tough thing. Remember, you are still Richard. Being gay doesn’t make you Gay Richard. It makes you Richard who gets introduced to cute guys at parties instead of cute girls. You are still funny. You still bake cookies. You still spend time with us losers here on fluther. ;)

You’re a good man, Charlie Brown and being gay doesn’t mean you won’t still take home that funny little tree. :)

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

6 steps to coming out

You might find the organization Parents Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays helpful.


Each of these links has some great resources for you.

When I came out, one of the greatest things I heard was someone telling me that I was still the same great person I was before. I hadn’t changed. That was very reassuring for me. Just as your dog treats you with the same love, your true friends will treat you the same, too.

janbb's avatar

I did read it all and want to say you are a great person and I wish this wasn’t such a hard struggle for you but I understand completey why it is. Keep working on it and keep coming to Flutherr for acceptance and support. And – have you thought of going to a therapist to help with the depression?

Meego's avatar

Ok whew, 1st took me about 5 min to give everyone a GA on this one as I believe everyones opinion on this subject is their own and is GREAT! And awesom(er) that they are filled with love, which leads me to what I always tell my gay BFF everytime he gets excited, anxious, and is even his picture on my cell when he calls me because he’s always drama..I AM BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SCREAMING RAINBOW!! LOL.
In seriousness though I just want to say somethings sometimes may seem more difficult but life always loves to throw a challenge at us…and with flying rainbow colors you’ve completed step one, just remember sometimes when it rains it pours but a rainbow can shine at any time! Now go enjoy your new found life. And yes dogs are true friends. But sometimes not just friends but even a parent (in my BFF’s issue) his father had a very hard time accepting him. But again life is filled with hurdles that is what’s supposed to give it excitement.

MissAnthrope's avatar

@rpm_pseud0name – Whatever you do, don’t give up. The coming out process can take years. I, too, am really envious of people who figured it out early, threw open that closet door, strutted out in a tiara, rainbow feather boa, and diamond-studded gloves, and simply never went back nor apologized for being themselves. I know I missed years of fun… but I’m me and I accept that I could only do it at my pace.

Try not to be so hard on yourself.. take a breath and know everything is going to be okay. It does sound like perhaps your family is not the safest to come out to, so I recommend taking baby steps toward that as an ultimate goal. I found it was easier to first come out to the people who would accept me regardless. Their reactions, from Duh, we’ve known that forever to You’re the first gay person I know, but I love you, and it’s okay emboldened me to get more and more open.

Coming out is a truly courageous act. It must be remembered that courage is not acting in the absence of fear, but it is acting despite that fear. Know that whatever happens, you will be okay. You may have problems with your family accepting you, or you may not, but just know that the gay community is full of people who share your experience and who will be so kind, so compassionate, so willing to fill in the gaps of your birth family. There’s a reason the code word for identifying each other is ‘family’.

Jeruba's avatar

Great! Thank you for trusting us with something so personal.

I can’t imagine that you’ll be viewed with any less warmth or made to feel unwelcome. This is about as mixed a community as we’ll find anywhere. I hope you’ll continue to feel at ease.

[Edit] That was my response to the question before I realized that it was two months old and that there’s been a lot of drama around it. Usually I read all the responses before I post, but this one didn’t look like it was going to be cumulative. I was mistaken. Well, now I’ll just say I wish you courage. Whatever happens, others have been there before you. You’re not alone.

rpm_pseud0name's avatar

Thank you. To all of you who chose to read all of that mess & respond. You didn’t have to, but I am grateful that you did.

I am trying. I think the 2 week fallout with the high school friend was a steel-toed-boot kick to the gut. I was putting all my adopted eggs into that surrogate basket (see, I still haven’t lost my sense of humor) I shouldn’t have relied so heavily on that one person to be the one to help me burn this closet down while I bust out flaming :)

A few of you mentioned therapy for depression. I have a bit of an ugly past with that type of stuff. Because of [#3 on ‘25 things about me’ list.. scavenger hunt,—GO!]—sent me to a year of mandatory therapy. Which I guess ruins the entire atmosphere & purpose of therapy when you are told you have to do it.

I’ve thought about seeing someone again, on my own terms. But I just don’t have the cash to throw at a person to transcribe my thoughts & tell me I have an overbearing mother. I could just turn on my computers voice-to-text app & then call my mother if I wanted that – for free.

I think my deciding to have this question re-posted is definitely a light-loafered step in the right direction. It brought back this dialog with all of you – which is so very helpful.

I really don’t want to leave another wall of text. You guys have done more than enough by reading that last one & writing back. Just know that I will keep trying. I so badly want to come back to this thread in the near future, with an update I can be proud of. (& a cute boyfriend to rub in all your faces) :D

Thank you all so much.


rangerr's avatar

You can still put your eggs in my basket. Ayyoooo

But forreals, I’m proud of you.
Very proud.


KatawaGrey's avatar

@rpm_pseud0name: Seriously, I have this really cute, really sweet friend in Boston who’s researching a cure for AIDS and malaria, all in one. Oh, and he also recently came out of the closet and is one of the smartest people I have ever met. Plus, I have seen him naked and he’s packing. Just sayin’...

rpm_pseud0name's avatar

@KatawaGrey aaaaaand an Amtrak ticket from Portland to Boston has just been sold. Now you need to oversell me, so that I look good. I feel pretty useless compared to this guy.

Jeruba's avatar

@rpm_pseud0name, are you in a position to get out on your own?

rpm_pseud0name's avatar

@Jeruba, What do you mean? Out on my own, as in – move? No. I am currently saving money for that, but student loans are a nagging bitch.

Jeruba's avatar

Yes, that’s what I meant: are you free to move out of your family’s household and manage independently? I was thinking that might make life easier for you at this stage of things.

rpm_pseud0name's avatar

@Jeruba I only have a few options, one being my older brother’s place. A change of living spaces would definitely help. Or even if I just met up with other gay folks (like cute medical researchers in Boston) I think that would be a tremendous help. Which is why I was excited about this re-connect with the high school friend. I was really hoping that he would be my way out… in every sense of the word.

What I need is someone who can physically be here for me & help me with this. You guys are fantastic, but text on a screen wont have my back in a fight for when the rainbow shit hits the fan.

It’s just difficult finding people I can talk with in real life. The more people in my life that I tell.. the odds of a family member finding out go up. & when your parents are currently helping you to pay off student loans – you do everything you can to make sure they are happy.

Until the Powerball winnings are handed over to me, this is going to be a process I have to endure for a little while longer.

augustlan's avatar

@rpm_pseud0name Thanks for updating us. You already know how much I lurve you, and wish this was easier for you, so I’ll just send you lots of hugs. <3

tragiclikebowie's avatar

RICKY I LOVE YOU. If you need to run away for a while, don’t forget I’m only a couple hours away and I have a pull out couch.

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