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Jude's avatar

Could you help me with this; I have lost so much in my life and now I worry about my relationship (details inside)

Asked by Jude (32144points) November 18th, 2010
43 responses
“Great Question” (2points)

I lost my Mom three years ago; we were very close. My sister, who is also one of my best friends is going downhill (health-wise, and mentally), and I don’t have that closeness with her anymore. I’m afraid that the way that she is going, she may not make it (it’s a very complicated issue). So, I could lose another person that I love. The rest of my family have drifted apart since my Mom died.

I have loving friends and I have an amazing girlfriend. I know that she loves me very much. There really is no reason to question that. I also should add that I have been depressed for awhile and just started getting help (my 3rd session is next Tuesday). Anyway, back to my girlfriend. I have been feeling anxious the past two weeks. It comes out of nowhere and I know that it’s just my head, but, I can’t make it stop. I worry that she is going to want to leave me. The last two nights I have been having nightmares about it. Like I said, it’s not rational, I know, but, I can’t help but feel this way. I’m doing my best to push it out of my mind. I wonder if it’s because the holidays are coming up…

I don’t want to lose anymore people, and usually, I have it all together, but, right now I feel scared.

What should I do?

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Adirondackwannabe's avatar

mama cakes, take a few deep breaths first. Don’t do anything right now, just relax if you can.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

When you let people into your life you also give them a piece of you. It’s a risk you have to take to really experience the best things life has to offer. Yeah, you can lose a little, but you get much more in return if you let them in. I’ve lost family and friends, but my life has been much enriched by having them for the time I did.

AmWiser's avatar

Your being diagnosed with depression is a step toward understanding your feelings of apprehension. Please discuss, in detail, all these feelings with your doctor and consider any medications that are prescribed. I am all for meds when dealing with depression because though depression can be lessened with a proper diet and exercise, many people have no idea where to start on that path and are not willing to follow it the rest of their life. My husband suffers from depression and without his medication I see a drastic difference in him, such as anxiousness, insomnia, fear.

Jude's avatar

I know that it’s in my head. I get this message from her this morning:

I love you with all my heart and I miss you a ton!!!! I can’t wait to have you in my arms!!!!!


sandalman's avatar

Exercise. It raises serotonin levels in your body, which will definitely improve your mood. Another way of raising your serotonin levels naturally is to simply get out in the sun more. Try going for a walk every morning, and see if that doesn’t change things. Or you can do both things simultaneously, and simply exercise outdoors during the daytime. All the best!

tedd's avatar

I am actually incredibly jealous of you man.

iamthemob's avatar

I think that the first thing you need to know is that being anxious about this after such losses is totally, completely normal, particularly considering your depressed condition but, more importantly, even if you weren’t depressed. You are getting help. You can tell yourself the truth about your girlfriend’s love, which demonstrates that you are able to dispel destructive thoughts that exacerbate any problems.

Discuss with your doctor anything that you’re feeling, and any way that you’re thinking about making it better. But, in my experience, it’s best to tell the people in your life exactly what you’re feeling regarding the relationship in cases like yours. If you can honestly tell her that you know the thoughts your having are unfounded, but can’t help feeling it because of the recent losses, then her knowing what’s going on will help her understand if you start reacting of acting differently.

With my boyfriend, there are times that I feel like he did or said something for x or y petty reason. I will tell him every time, generally starting off “I know this isn’t what you meant, but when you say/ do that, I feel _______.” It’s because I know he’ll be able to tell that I’m pissed at something, and that he’ll get pissed for me assuming something, etc. etc. Admitting to him that I know I am assuming incorrectly, and if i seem pissed it’s because I’m getting over my own bullshit, has helped us avoid many a conflict.

Don’t worry about feeling anxious. You’re entitled to feel anxious. As long as you know that it’s a feeling, and feelings are irrational, and she knows you know that…well, I’m willing to put money that y’all are in it for the long haul.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

From everything you have told us about her she sounds like she’s crazy about you. One thing I’ve learned is don’t go out looking for trouble. Don’t make issues where they don’t exist.

Jude's avatar

@iamthemob She’s a smart girl. She gets it:

I know what you’re doing when you do that (I close off). I see it. It’s a defense mechanism. I think when you are able to work things out for yourself and feel happy with you, then you won’t need to do that. I believe that you love me. I love you!!!! You haven’t really let me go yet. I just remind myself of that.

She’s not on Fluther, so, I feel okay posting this.

Jude's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe You’re right. Play it cool and get help on the side.

iamthemob's avatar

@mama_cakes – Fantastic. Then do what @Adirondackwannabe suggested. Take a few deep breaths.

But as I was typing this, it seems like you’ve already come to that conclusion. ;-)

Jude's avatar

You all are wonderful. Thank-you!

JilltheTooth's avatar

I get what you’re feeling, I could write a book about trying to push people away. A question about your therapist: does s/he have practical advice for you? Mental tricks to change your old damaging thought patterns? Mine went way beyond just talking about it and gave me some really good suggestions about changing my thinking. She helped me more in a few months than I ever thought possible.

augustlan's avatar

{Hugs}, first and foremost.

With all that you’ve been dealing with, the anxiety and depression are not so surprising. I’m really glad you’ve started counseling! Have you considered some short term anti-anxiety meds? I honestly wouldn’t have made it through some very tough times in my life without mine.

Jude's avatar

@augustlan I am going to talk to my therapist about anti-anxiety meds next Tuesday.

augustlan's avatar

I very rarely need to take it anymore, but Xanax is a lifesaver. Keep us posted!

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

yes, mama cakes, keep us posted. This isn’t a thing that goes away in an hour.

ram201pa's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe fabulous answer.

marinelife's avatar

I just want to chime in and say I love you and I am sorry that you are going through this. Hang in there.

Much of the advice above is good: exercise, therapy, anti-anxiety meds. All good ideas. Do you do yoga? It is a wonderful stress and anxiety reliever.

Take care. Keep us posted. Try not to let the anxiety bleed into your relationship, but tell your girlfriend how you are feeling.

Judi's avatar

I don’t have a lot of advice, only to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your mother, and the possible loss of your sister. Allow yourself to grieve, keep up the counseling, and give yourself plenty of love. Panicing about further loss is one part of the grieving process. My heart aches for your loss more than it normally would as I have just received news that my own mother may be dieing as well.

marinelife's avatar

@Judi (((Hugs)))

OpryLeigh's avatar

I have a crippling fear of losing the man I love. He knows how I feel and it has helped to talk to him about this fear. He says it is irrational and his down to earth attitude about it puts my mind it ease at times of real stress. Talk to her.

Jude's avatar

@Judi ((Hugs)) Thinking of you…(if you need to talk, I’m here).

@marinelife I love you, too!

Yes, I do Yoga. I find that it does help calm me down and refocus. I will do some tonight when I get home. I used to run along the beach a lot. I went for a 40 minute run last night and felt great. I am going to keep it up!

@Leanne1986 I have and will continue to talk to her. She gets it. She actually “gets me” more than I do, if that makes any sense.

OpryLeigh's avatar

@mama_cakes I think my boyfriend and your girlfriend could share notes on how to talk us out of our fears!

Jude's avatar

@mama_cakes I agree! We’re both lucky girls!

Jude's avatar

Just wanted to share this with you all. She wrote this and gave it to me on my birthday (last May). :)

The Sonnet of You and Me

Lifetimes of search could not alone discover
But God and Angels led me there to see
Through dirty glass our eyes smiled at each other
A fool could not deny what was to be.

Quietly her magic took me over
Nervously undressing muse my heart broke
Lines drawn where hands and lips ached to touch her
Passions of such depth she did evoke.

Alone I walked, overcome I wandered
Consulting sea and stars for guidance home
For her heart is the only place I’m harbored
My longing soul’s desire is she alone.

Forever hers, I cannot help but see
Great providence, she is my destiny.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Jesus Christ, I just fell in love with her. Do you share?:)

Jude's avatar

=) I’ll share. She’s a great girl!

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

So are you. :)

Jude's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe That’s sweet of you. Thanks. :)

GeorgeGee's avatar

Losing people is part of life; everyone dies. But you have an immediate problem which is that the depression over this loss is interfering with your life. You’re getting professional help, which is a good start. Another thing I might suggest is trying to make a positive out of a negative… lemons from lemonade. Consider starting a memorial scholarship fund or something in her memory. Thus you can channel the negative energy into a positive goal. You probably heard of “Susan G. Komen for the Cure,” a breast cancer charity. There really was a Susan G. Komen, and she died of breast cancer. It was her sister who promised to take up the fight against the cancer that killed her loved one, and thus you know more about Susan G. Komen after she is gone than you ever did while she was alive.

pallen123's avatar

Great advice above. If you don’t already, start keeping a journal. Writing down your feelings and worries can help gain control over them. If you don’t already, try self-dialogue—talking yourself through the reasons you’re feeling the way you feel—in order to walk yourself through why it’s normal to feel the way you’re feeling, and then move on. It can be self-soothing. As someone said, exercise. Listen to inspiring music. Try to view and appreciate inspiring art. Keep on with the professional help and get some medication for depression or anxiety if you need it. It may be temporary. Find other supportive people to talk to—face to face—grief recovery groups, support groups in your area. You have a temporary deficit in your world—of certainty, security, and the people you love. You need to augment your life to compensate and move through this period with confidence and assuredness that things will eventually feel normal again. You just have a cloud passing overhead. Eat chocolate. Pet puppies. Smell roses. Watch movies to give your mind a break. Sounds trite but these things all add up and help compensate for the deficits you’re experiencing. And be sure to get your regular physical checkup and full blood work. Often people experience a health condition and a social or psychological situation at the same time and they feed off each other. It’s not uncommon, but often overlooked. A psychologist or psychiatrist won’t check your thyroid and testosterone levels. And either of those being off is enough to throw you in a deep funk. So rule out physical stuff and stay healthy. Good luck!

Jude's avatar

@pallen123 Wonderful advice. Thank-you!

wundayatta's avatar

When I was depressed, I was pretty sure my wife hated me, and even if she didn’t, I was bad for her. I pushed and pushed, and I nearly got rid of her, which would have suited me just fine.

It was all the depression. It was all my fear of loss. If I could do the getting rid of, then I was in control, and I knew when it was coming. It was not trusting that I was lovable, so how could anyone really love me?

Depression rips out your guts and your mind and switches them around, inside out and upside down. If it’s bad enough, there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s all chemicals. The only thing to do is to give yourself a break. The harder you try to fight, and the harder you fail, the worse you think of yourself and the worse you get.

JilltheTooth's avatar

@mama_cakes and @wundayatta : I only have your words, but I care about both of you a lot. I can only imagine how marvelous you guys would be if I knew the whole person. <hugs all around>

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

@mama_cakes : I really like @Adirondackwannabe‘s first suggestion. Breathe. Recognize that it’s just fear. And I’ll let you in on a little secret: fear can’t kill you. (I’m not going to add any bullshit about it making you stronger, but you will live through it.)

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

I relate to this more than words can say, and I truly feel for you.

You have to hang on to the moment, and stop imagining scenarios that haven’t even happened. Try to focus more on the positive, see the signs that point to her staying with you. It might sound trivial, but it really is important. Sometimes we get wrapped up in this mindset where we fail to see all of the good things, and swell on the bad things, which might be completely imaginary. It’s important to take a step back and live in the moment.


Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

If you have anxiety and/or depression, you always have irrational fears about losing that which is most important to you – I remember distinctly yelling at my ex-husband to leave me, for my best friend to stop being friends with me, etc. just so that which I feared during my bouts of anxiety can just come true and I wouldn’t be so paralyzed by these fears. If nothing has changed with your partner as of late, nothing will but you can always discuss these thoughts with her.

GracieT's avatar

Once again, there is nothing left for me to add! I am a very depressed and anxious person also, so I can say that I also understand. Your girlfriend sounds like she is one in a million, so tell her often how you feel!

thekoukoureport's avatar

Wow you bring tears to my eyes…. Sorry and big hugs,
Sounds like you have love…Enjoy it now.
Don’t live in a future that may never be.
or a past that will never be again.
enjoy now and be free.
today is the only thing you have.

pinkpawn's avatar

It’s bit sad,but to be honest,there is really nothing you could do. It would be the best living in the moment.

Cassidy2011's avatar

I think you should just tell your girlfriend how you feel. and prayers will be with your sister!

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