I wish I could give you more lurve. This is a really fantastic, thought-provoking question. I’ve been sitting here thinking, but I think I need more time to ponder and maybe other people’s responses will jog my memory.
Thinking over my life, I’m not really sure I had much choice in the matter. I mean, I had crushes on girls years before I even knew what sex was and that never stopped. I was in complete denial about my feelings forever. Like, I thought what I was feeling was admiration, wanting to be the person, thinking they were super awesome, maybe wishing they were my big sister, or whatever. Actually, I just had a personal epiphany.. I think my alexithymia made it really difficult for me to figure out that what I was feeling was not normal “friend” stuff. But I’d always felt it toward girls, so I thought it was normal.
I spent most of my life trying to be a good straight girl. I stuffed down the feelings for girls, for the most part, and threw myself into boy chasing and being boy crazy. I really didn’t understand why everything, every fiber of my being, made me want to run away and not look back. I never had a boyfriend, never went on a 3rd date with a boy, etc.
Thinking about the aspects of my individual gender and my attractions.. I can’t think of a single choice I made about it because it’s just me. I’ve always been me and trying to figure “me” out, but I can’t change integral portions of “me” any more than a pig can decide to fly.