My relationship with my parents has been really iffy for a while now. It really drains me to be with them, because they’re both so opinionated and sure of what they believe; they want me to believe what they believe; but I don’t see the world the same way at all. It’s taken a long time to even be able to realize that.
And now, I have to be able to pull myself out and emerge from their parenting… not easy when all they want to be is good parents and help me emerge with their parenting.
I have a “forced amiable relationship” with them, too—my mom more than my dad.
I pulled way away from him a while ago. I can pretty much treat him how I want to treat him, which makes me feel a little guilty… he so badly wants to get back to a fatherdaughter relationship and I understand how his mind works so well that I can get what I need when I need it. I can be very curt and direct and get a response. Our relationship is slowly going closer to what I have with my mom, now, though.
My mom wants me to be the happy bubbly little girl I was growing up. She doesn’t really realize that. She, really, just wants me to be happy. But since she’s known me as that little girl she raised, even though I’m now realizing that I’m not really that way, she’s trying to help me find my way “back” to that non-me.
I think we’re all starting to learn more about each other now. At least, I hope my parents are realizing I’m not the person they programmed me to be. They seem to be.
I’m learning that I have to become strong enough in my own self to let go of their programming.
I’ve learned that when I completely cut them off, they get angry and hurt and start taking away all the things I thought were freedoms, but were really barely-leased priveleges. So, I’m also learning how to keep them back with transparent arms, so they don’t think I’m holding them back, but I get the space I need to breathe.