What do you do when a mentally ill relative refuses to get help?
That’s one of the hardest ones I know. You can’t make someone try harder to get better because they will resist you. You can’t take away things from them because they figure that’s what they deserve. It is very risky to hospitalize someone against their will both because you may not get the medical staff to agree with you and also because you are going to piss off your relative so much they may never talk to you again. So what do you do?
I believe that what we want most when we are sick is love. We feel like shit and think our lives are shit and in many cases we just want to die. It sounds to me like the father of the child is not in the picture, so your sister is probably lonely and feeling unloved and unlovable. That will make anyone be manipulative. They don’t know any other way to get love. But think of it this way—if they are manipulative, they still think they deserve whatever it is they are trying to get. That’s a good thing. When they stop caring or actively don’t want any help, it’s time to get seriously worried.
So. This might sound weird, but I think you need to give her love. Try to make her feel like you are on her side, and provide support for her to get well. Help her take her meds and get to her appointments without nagging! Maybe make an agreement with her about how you can support her.
Now normally you might not choose to do this if it was just her. Let her fix herself. But in this case there is a child, and that means you have to do things you might not want to do.
Be positive for her. Help her see her strengths. Do not criticize her weaknesses. Just focus on what she does well. Help her achieve her goals. I’m not saying you have to do a lot of physical actions, like meeting with her. But stay in touch on email or the phone.
She might need a new shrink or new meds. These things can take forever to find the right combinations. Remember, if she gets better, your problem with her daughter is much less of a problem. You won’t have to be watching her like a hawk all the time. That creates enormous tension for you. So it could well be worth the effort to help your sister get better, hard as that task may be.
It will also be better for your relationship because you’ll be able to be up front about what you are doing, not trying manipulate her by “offering her a break.” She knows what’s going on. Think about this. If you feel you have to manipulate her, then why wouldn’t she feel the same?