@marinelife I can honestly say I’ve been at hell’s second level, but there was always something like a glimmer of hope or at least a temporary someone to help me through it. I say temporary because even the people that helped me through it end up betraying me, I literally made my psychiatrist go and get help because my problems are so deep.
@crisw the funny thing is, I always try to do things by myself so I can go and kinda have a “release” session. Going to the movies, playing games, reading (ANYTHING), someone above (filmfann) said they read about the JFK assassination, I also like to read conspiracies. Doing complex things keeps my mind locked up so I wont think about negative things.
One of my biggest flaws is wanting an answer for ANYTHING, it has to be a clear cut answer. My psychiatrist tries to mind boggle me into thinking in the “grey” area, but it’s impossible. I don’t have a girlfriend because I’m fat and ugly, and I’m O.K. with this. Seeing other fat and ugly people actually have it soo much better than me that they get caught CHEATING on their girlfriend, I don’t grasp the concept of that. It’s not a jealousy thing, because I could really care less, it’s just I wanna know. Recently in my sessions, I kinda came to a self discovery. It seems like I felt/feel betrayed by life itself, as in all I was taught as a kid (treat people the way you want to be treated, work hard and receive the higher reward, treat all people equal, that type of stuff) was/is a lie. I’ve come to a point in my life where I lost my “respect” for life, not a giving up on life thing, but more like I don’t feel any different from a random dog on the street.