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mineown's avatar

Is it a bad idea to get married when I am 21 and my girlfriend is 19?

Asked by mineown (438points) January 21st, 2011
77 responses
“Great Question” (4points)

Me and my girlfriend want to get married when I am 21 and she is 19. We have been together about 4 months but we know we are soulmates and that we will always be together. Is that still too young to get married though?

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Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I always say it’s good to get the ‘first, young’ marriage out of the way but I’m a cynical sob. Both my husband and I were married to others young and it didn’t work out for our marriages because I really do think, many people come of age around 25–30 where their worldviews are more clarified (I say many, not all) and they see things with more clarity. Since you’ve been together for 4 months only and since you are sure you’re soulmates, it wouldn’t really matter if you waited, would it?

tedd's avatar

I wouldn’t say getting married young is a bad idea, but getting married FAST probably is.

Wait til like the year mark, and try living together first instead. If you guys last that long and still feel the same, go for it.

tedd (14078points)“Great Answer” (16points)
Arbornaut's avatar

More than likely bro, four months is bugger all. Still, if your convinced its a goer.. go nuts.

glenjamin's avatar

I agree with the others. See how things go after a year or so and then revisit the topic. If your love is that strong you will still feel the same way about it then. About living with each other, well that’s up to you. I didn’t live with my wife until we got married, but her family was also old-fashioned in that way I think too. Nice thing about getting married young is that (if you plan on it) you can have kids young and by the time they are out of the house you still got alot of good years left to the 2 of you…. alas the youth is wasted on the young. Don’t rush, take it slow, enjoy your courtship first. Marriage will come if its destined to be.

klutzaroo's avatar

Wait for a while. Breaking up is easy to do, getting divorced is not if it comes to that.

I’m serious about someone that I haven’t been dating long, but I’m 26 and have dated a lot of people and found out what I want and don’t want. My boyfriend is 32 and is in the same place in his life. Looking back at where I was at 19 and 21, I know that if I made that kind of decision then with “knowing what I want” at that point… it would not have ended well.

skfinkel's avatar

I was married young (I was 20 he was 22) but we had known each other for 5 years by that time. I don’t see any reason to rush to marry, even if you are soul mates. But, others have done it and it can work. My question to you really is, what is the hurry? Four months is not that long. Have you had any fights yet? Do you know each others families? Is this something coming from a positive place, or is it an escape? Questions like that might be worth asking before you jump to marry.

iamthemob's avatar

I think @tedd said it best in terms of whether it’s objectively a bad idea. @Simone_De_Beauvoir brings up the underlying reason why getting married young can be problematic – if you all are mature enough to know that it might not be forever, you’re probably okay. However, if you’re talking about the two of you being soulmates, realize that, in most cases, the 30 year old version of people is a very different animal than the 20 year old version of the same.

Consider how different you are now than you were when you were ten. Believe it or not, you’ll probably change as much as you did in those ten years in the upcoming ten.

zenvelo's avatar

so much changes between 20 and 27 or 28. I’d recommend waiting. If I had gotten married before I was 28 or 29, it would not have lasted more than three or four years. But I grew up late.

mineown's avatar

After 4 months I still get excited just at the thought of her. She has never met my family but i know hers very well (I go to college away from home). And we wouldn’t be married till the Fall of 2012 , so we will have been together for a while. And the reason we can’t live together is because it is going to be difficult when her mom brings her to Oklahoma with her in November.

Seelix's avatar

You’ve been together only 4 months and are 19 and 21. Those two facts put together seem like a red flag to me. Not only is this a new relationship, you’re both still relatively immature (and I don’t mean that to be insulting or anything – just that you’re young). I’d give it some time. If you’re really meant to be together, you can survive a little long-distance time.

mineown's avatar

Currently, I am 20 and she is 18 btw.

janbb's avatar

Probably, but I doubt you are going to listen to people you query on the internet.

SavoirFaire's avatar

Are you familiar with the story of Romeo and Juliet? Most people think it’s a story about a romance cut tragically short due to unfortunate circumstances.

It’s not.

It’s a story about how rash young people are. The lovers die because they are stupid, not because their parents hate each other.

Yes, this is a bad idea. Four months is way too short. The likelihood that either one of you has revealed enough about yourself for the other to be making a fully informed decision is very low—even if the secrecy is unintentional. Most couples don’t notice each other’s quirks until after the beginning “everything’s great and nothing will ever go wrong” phase is over.

Perhaps the two of you really are “soul mates” and all your little foibles will match up perfectly. If so, you’ll still be “soul mates” in a couple years. If not, you’ll be really glad you waited.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Don’t rush into it. You have plenty of time to get to know each other better.

Remember: Fools( I mean it in a general way) rush in where angels fear to tread.

mineown's avatar

Her mom and older sister give off the impression that they know we will always be together.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@mineown Nobody can know.

janbb's avatar

If you are soulmates and meant to be always together, you will be even if you don’t rush into marriage. Enjoy every stage of the relationship and don’t hurry things.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@SavoirFaire I love you so much right now. I HATE Romeo and Juliet because of the “it’s so romantic” interpretation

crisw's avatar

Yes, it’s a bad idea.

None of the people I knew when I was in college are with the same person that they were with then.

In addition, if you wind up with kids, she is so young that, if she had any plans of college and education, they will be dashed.

Study after study has shown that those who wait to marry until later are happier, better-educated and better off financially.

Why rush? I lived with my husband for 14 years before we tied the knot :>)

ninjacolin's avatar

I would say go ahead as long as you don’t view marriage as a commitment but rather a bonding event or milestone.

SavoirFaire's avatar

@mineown I once had a girlfriend whose family felt the same way. Turns out they just wanted me to take her of their hands. I’m not saying it’s the same in your case, but things are not always what they seem.

My wife and I, on the other hand, were pretty sure we wanted to get married fairly early on in our relationship—but we still waited five years to actually follow through on it. While it’s hard to explain, marriage is a qualitatively different kind of relationship feeling. It changes things. These changes are for the better if you are ready, and for the worse if you are not. Get the experience of a relationship before getting the experience of a marriage. Because the former enhances the quality of the latter.

@papayalily Almost every single culture has one of these stories, and they are never intended as romances. I don’t know why they keep getting interpreted that way. Anyway, I highly recommend you watch this.

iamthemob's avatar

I think @janbb wins again. People who are really meant to be together don’t need a contract to make sure that it happens. The debt-sharing and credit problems associated with marriage are something that make it a good thing to wait on.

ninjacolin's avatar

Also, make sure you have a prenuptial agreement to handle the business aspects. Never mix business and pleasure. Your assets are business.

(in general though, I would say don’t marry until you’re 28)

flo's avatar

What is the rush?

flo (13313points)“Great Answer” (1points)
ParaParaYukiko's avatar

No rush. Really. You’re still in the honeymoon phase. I felt like that with my boyfriend for over a year, when we started living together. We broke up a couple weeks ago because we had gotten into a pretty unhealthy routine for a relationship… I’m sure things would have been better if we’d waited longer to live together. When he moved in, I was 22 and he was 20.

A LOT changes from when you’re newly dating to living together as a married couple. You don’t need a ceremony and papers to prove your love or anything, especially if you really are soulmates. Take it slow. You have plenty of time.

Raevarin's avatar

It is entirely up to the both of you. My wife was 19 when we married, and we have survived two years well. I will give you advice though if you two have never lived together it will be rough because neither of you will be accustomed to each other’s habits and living standards. If you think it is right and she thinks it is right then I will not say to back down. If five years from now things go sour, at least you can’t say it was a mistake because at the time it just felt right and on point. I wish you both the best.

FutureMemory's avatar

Like Simone said, it’s quite common for people to not be fully ‘grown up’ so to speak until they’re in the their late 20s. The notion that reaching the age of 18 or 21 automatically makes one an adult is a huge myth.

I could have been married at age 20 if I had wanted, and I’m so glad I didn’t go that route. We were not suited for each other in the long run, despite having been madly in love for a few years, living together, etc.

Generally speaking I think it’s a mistake to get married under the age of 25.

SavoirFaire's avatar

@Raevarin That something feels right at the time does not prevent it from being a mistake. My class had a contest in fourth grade to guess the number of jelly beans that were in a big jar. The number 11,231 felt right to me, but I was mistaken.

Raevarin's avatar

@SavoirFaire True, but at the same time but optimism in a relationship can go a good distance for most.

WasCy's avatar

Any time that you’re not sure that it’s wise to marry or not, it’s not a wise idea.

Seaofclouds's avatar

At 4 months of dating, you are still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. It’s best to spend at least a full year with someone before making any life altering decisions. That way, you can see how they get through the whole year, each season, each holiday, and see if they have any highs or lows that might make things difficult. It also gives you a chance to see where they stand on family gatherings and things of that sort. For example, does her family get together every year for Christmas and would she expect you to give up Christmas with your family because her’s is more important? Stuff like that is best known up front.

It’s also a good idea for both of you to get some financial independence and learn how to handle your finances on your own before you consider combining finances. That way, you can have an idea of how to save and be responsible with your money. You’ll each also know if one of you isn’t very responsible with paying their bills, saving, etc.

To me, age really isn’t the issue. Yes, you both will do a lot of growing in your 20s, and you will either grow together or grow apart. The important thing is really knowing each other and knowing what expectations you each would have about marriage and your relationship. What roles do you feel she should be fulfilling as a wife? What roles does she feel you should be fulfilling as a husband? What are your views on parenting? Do you agree on having children? Those are all serious things to think about when it comes to planning to get married and spend your life with someone.

Rarebear's avatar

Oh my goodness, yes it’s a bad idea.

augustlan's avatar

I married when I was nineteen and my boyfriend was 21. We loved each other very, very much. We also struggled very, very much. As we aged, we grew, and not in the same directions. After 17 years of marriage and three great children, we divorced. Please, for the love of all that is holy… wait.

mineown's avatar

I have never lived with her, but I did stay at her place for a week with her mom and sister as well as herself, so I started to learn her habits. As for the christmas thing I’m Jewish, so whatever she wants to do for christmas is fine by me.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@mineown Okay, but what about your family traditions? Would you want to raise children with her traditions or yours? Would she agree with that? I’m not trying to change your mind, just pointing out what things will have a major role in your life if you get married.

flo's avatar

If you are really soulmates you wouldn’t even need to get the piece of paper. 4 months is not enough time, and especially at around 20 years old.

flo (13313points)“Great Answer” (0points)
mineown's avatar

We both love each others traditions are are willing to give each other whatever the other one wants.

crisw's avatar

@mineown

You are Jewish and she isn’t?

How does your family feel about that?

My husband is culturally Jewish and I am not. His mother ostracized us for years, and she still doesn’t like me much (especially when I proved infertile and didn’t give her any grandkids!)

Didn’t you mention your family has not met her? Is that part of the reason why?

You seem very determined… is there really anything we can say that will make you change your mind, or is it too made up for that?

SavoirFaire's avatar

@mineown Staying at her place for a week is not enough. Learning what someone is like takes time because it isn’t just a matter of how much time you spend around each other. It’s also a function of how long you’ve known on another—something which cannot be sped up.

As several others have said, I don’t know if you’re actually looking for answers here. But I hope that (1) the fact that just about every single person has told you to wait and (2) the fact that you have just about nothing to lose by waiting will somehow get through to you.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@mineown I get that you love each other very much at this point and would give each other whatever you want, but it changes as life changes (especially getting married and having children). Expectations of each other change a lot after getting married. If you are truly set on getting married next year, you may want to consider premarital counseling to get more of an idea of what things may come up after marriage and how the two of you will handle them.

I’m also curious, have the two of you had a fight yet? If not, until you do, I wouldn’t get married. You need to know that the two of you are able to work through your problems together and see how you handle conflicts together.

crisw's avatar

@Seaofclouds

Great point. A lot of starry-eyed youngsters think “Oh, we will never fight!” You will. It’s part of a relationship. You will disagree over lots of stuff, and you need to know that you can do it in a civilized manner, without violence or belittling. There’s nothing romantic over a spat about the dirty dishes in the sink, or whose responsibility it is to pick up after the dog, or whether you can afford a vacation. But this is all part of real married life. It’s not all romance and flowers- it’s a lot of not-so-fun work, sometimes, and you have to be sure you are up for the job and that you’ll still love your partner even when you get woken up at 6 AM when you were planning on sleeping in to hear that the dog just barfed :>)

SavoirFaire's avatar

Yes, excellent point @Seaofclouds!

mineown's avatar

There was something she did that…lets just say id rather it didnt happen, but i am doing my best to deal with it and i know she feels horrible about it.

WasCy's avatar

To be extraordinarily blunt here, you’re both still children. Even your answers to the excellent suggestions you’re getting here are childish. “I stayed at her place for a week”? Big deal. Did you sleep with her, and who hogs the blankets? Who sleeps on the wet spot? What does she look like in the morning? (Not every woman wakes up looking like an angel, you know.) What does her bathroom look like? I’ve never yet seen a woman’s bathroom that isn’t loaded with bottles of goop and junk and goo that I don’t even want to know the purpose of. And mine is cluttered with old crossword puzzles and half-read books, as well as dog shampoo next to the tub and other things that women roll their eyes at.

How do your housekeeping habits mesh, now that I think on it? You’re going to do the housework for her, right? I mean, as a demonstration of your non-sexist agenda, while she shovels the driveway and fixes the brakes on the cars? So, how’s your cooking? Can you fix a Thanksgiving dinner for both your families as well as her mom, or yours?

If you’re truly soulmates (another starry-eyed romantic notion that’s full of shit, by the way), then why do you have to marry at such an early age? Soulmates should be able to wait years – decades, even. Only children marry any more at such an early age, but by god you’ll sure grow up fast if you do.

Good luck, if you’re going to keep on ignoring great advice. You will surely need it.

mineown's avatar

Actually we shared the blankets, the wetspot was under both of us, her bathroom is fine, and she loves to cook and is much better with cars than i am anyway.

SavoirFaire's avatar

@mineown You say something happened, but did you fight about it? And more importantly, how did you resolve it? It sounds like you might not have done either.

Also, it sounds like the “incident” involved cheating. It’s not a great sign if she cheated on you within the first four months of a relationship. Statistically speaking, people who cheat early in a relationship are more likely to cheat again. Moreover, early cheating strongly correlates to shorter relationships. That is to say, cheating early on is worse for the longevity of the relationship than cheating later.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@SavoirFaire Do you happen to know the names of any of these stories? I’m actually really interested in them (and might be able to turn it into a paper for school).

crisw's avatar

@WasCy

“mine is cluttered with old crossword puzzles and half-read books, as well as dog shampoo next to the tub and other things that women roll their eyes at.””

Hmmm. I am female, and I have no goop and goo in the bathroom- but I have plenty of bottles of dog shampoo and books (the crosswords are next to the bed!)

gorgeousgal3's avatar

I think marriage before the age of 24 or 25 is just a bad idea in general. You are still growing and changing and could be completely different people a year or two from now.I wouldn’t be in any rush if I were you.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@crisw Um, you’re obviously a lesbian.

WasCy's avatar

Thank you all.

My intention was not to make my last response a ‘rant’, but I am a bit annoyed that the OP came with an apparent question, although he seems to have his mind already made up and decided to argue against decades centuries worth of actual by-god life experience and excellent suggestions to wait, with sophomoric and starry-eyed arguments from almost zero experience.

Since I’ve read @SavoirFaire‘s excellent R&J interpretation – a wonderful new insight there – it seems to me that nearly every love story in the world, excepting fairy tales that we all know can never be true, has many of the same elements in it. But someone believes he lives in a fairy tale, apparently.

I’m also thinking that if he stayed with her at her parents’ house and slept with her there that both sets of parents seem irresponsible to an amazing degree as well. I realize that kids have sex; that’s not news to me. But that parents would be aware of it and not only condone but invite it beggars belief.

mineown's avatar

Only her mom and sister live with her. Her dad does not live with them and my parents didnt know i was theree.

iamthemob's avatar

@mineown

(1) is there a reason why you feel like you must get married?

(2) are both sets of parents in on this discussion (I’m concerned that your parents wouldn’t be aware about being at your girlfriends).

@WasCy – I wouldn’t accuse a parent of irresponsibility at this point – these people are 19 and 21. That’s plenty old enough to make responsible sexual decisions….and it’s about time that the parents should understand that it’s not their duty to watch that.

crisw's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir

Wow, won’t my husband be surprised! Although I do think Amy Ray is pretty hot:>)

Kardamom's avatar

It just isn’t possible to know somebody through and through after having only dated them for 4 months. You want a perfect fairy tale “soul mate” kind of thing. There isn’t such a thing. Like @WasCy said, if you were truly “soul mates” (which I don’t think exists) then you should be able to wait decades to be together.

This whole soul mates thing just doesn’t hold water. There are other people (maybe a lot, maybe just a few), who if you met them and dated them for awhile would be a good fit for you too. That’s what you really want is someone who is a really good fit for you (not someone who is a perfect person or a perfect match, because there is no such thing).

At 4 months, you really can’t know if the other person is a good fit for you. You are caught up in the romantic, lovey-dovey feelings of young/new love. It is super-easy for young people to fall in love with all sorts of people who are not a good match. Hence the divorce rate.

You need to be together for a good long while. I would say even a year is not long enough. I think 5 years is a more realistic measurement. That way you will most likely have finished your schooling, started your careers and lived together (or at least in close proximity where you see each other every single day). During 5 years together you will hopefully have seen each other at the best and worst moments. You need to see the Good, the Bad and the Ugly to see if you can tolerate and even embrace all of it.

Your girfriend probably thinks you’re really cute when you pick her up and take her out on a date, but will she still think you’re cute when you’re clearing your throat and figuring out what to do with the contents of said throat?

You probably think your girlfriend is really cute when she giggles, but is she still that alluring when she’s making loud “pooting” sounds in the bathroom and uses up all the toilet paper?

What happens after the tenth time that one of you forgets to put a new roll of toilet paper on the spool or the tenth time that one of you forgets to mention that you need milk before the carton runs out, or the tenth time that one of you forgets to take out the trash?

I second the idea of going through a course of pre-marital counseling. The counselor will bring up all sorts of questions and scenarios for you to think about that are very important, but are usually not part of anyone’s conversation when they are just dating for 4 months.

You said that you and your girlfriend are of different faiths. That might not be a problem right this minute, but when/if you have kids, the faith/religion thing usually comes to the forefront. You said that she can do whatever she wants for Christmas, but what will you do if it becomes very important to her that you go to midnight mass with her and put up a tree and decorations all of your house, and prepare or eat certain holiday meals and dine with particular relatives and if she cries if you don’t go along with all of this?

Some questions that you should ask each other (and get good, true answers before you even consider marrying) are:

If she gets pregnant before you get married, what will you do? Will she keep the baby, have an abortion, give the baby up for adoption? Hand over sole custody to you? Give the child to her parents?

How many kids do each of you want? Would either one of you be disappointed if the kids were of the “wrong” sex (that you really wanted)? Would either of you be disappointed if you could not have kids of your own? Would you stay childless or try to adopt?

What kind of financial situations do you both have? Will you have joint accounts?

Do you have enough money to put a down payment on a house? If you end up having kids, do you have enough money to buy life insurance? Do you have enough money to put yourselves through college? Do you have enough money to pay for health insurance? Do you have enough money to buy and maintain a car (repairs, insurance, upkeep, gas)?

How will you divide up the household tasks? Who will be responsible for cooking, cleaning the house (vacuuming how often? cleaning the bathrooms how often and to what degree of cleanliness? Picking up after yourselves—laundry, food wrappers, paperwork), mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, washing the dishes (how often and does the kitchen need to be cleaned immediately?, emptying the dishwasher, doing the laundry, ironing, folding and putting away the clothes. To who’s standards will all of these tasks be done? Yours or hers? What happens when one of you fails to live up to your part of the housework bargain?

How often will you visit each other’s families and friends and how often or welcome will any of these people be in your home? Do you like these people?

How do each of you act when you are sick? Are you moody and mean and whiny? Do you need to be left alone? Are you willing to pick up the slack and kindly care for you sick spouse?

Have each of you seen each other in the morning when your hair is all greasy and you have bad breath and un-washed armpits? How’s that going to effect you if you have to see that day after day? How do you like the sound of farting and belching and other sights and sounds that are usually kept hidden during the first 4 months?

Ask yourselves all of these questions and more, then experience these things with the other person for a few years. Then if you still feel the same way, after the lovey-dovey feelings have worn off, then you’ve probably found yourself a good match. But not a soul mate.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@crisw I’m sure he doesn’t care because he’s gay.

SavoirFaire's avatar

@papayalily The story of Pyramus and Thisbe is the classic example. An anthropology class I once took also cited the stories of Popocatépetl and Iztaccíhuatl and Layla and Majnun. I’ll message you if I can find any more in my old notes.

flo's avatar

If you were that sure it is a good idea, you wouldn’t be asking. it could be deep down, your instict is telling you that it is not such a good idea.

flo (13313points)“Great Answer” (3points)
tigerlilly2's avatar

I am 22 and I have had quite a crazy life so I had to ‘grow up’ pretty quickly. Even though I had to take on a lot of responsibilities I still fell head over hills in love. I was in the relationship for three years and for the first three months, it was perfect bliss! But after that things slowly went downhill. I am so glad now that I didn’t go off and get married to him after high school! I would’ve been so miserable. It’s okay to have the notion that you could be potential soulmates, it happens! Just take your time because you only live once. The people who are giving you advice are probably older than you and I or around the same age. I’m sure they have considered a lot of possibilities and have a lot of experience to go on. Don’t be so quick to dismiss them! After all, you did ask a question! :)

gorgeousgal3's avatar

To whoever said I was a lesbian you are clearly mistaken and need to keep your nasty comments to yourself.All I was stating was my personal opinion which is what we all do here which is supposed to be without the derogatory comments.All I was saying was that mineown needed more experience and that if its meant to be it will be even if they wait a few years.Just because someone is opinionated and doesn’t let people order them around, it doesn’t make them a lesbian okay.

WasCy's avatar

@gorgeousgal3

@Simone_De_Beauvoir was kidding @crisw about being a lesbian. It was a joke, and not even directed to you. Furthermore, and just so you know, it’s not ‘nasty’ to be called a lesbian. The lesbians and gays (and others I haven’t even figured out yet) on the board aren’t nasty because of that. Sometimes they’re nasty because they’re such goddamned liberals with my tax dollars, but that’s a different issue.

crisw's avatar

@gorgeousgal3

Take a chill pill, dearie. As WasCy pointed out, I was the one getting ribbed…er… whatever. :>)

Gotta go hang out with my gay hubby now, ta-ta!

xMissMorganx's avatar

If you truly love her and she truly loves you and you two want to be together the rest of your lives. Then do it. It’s your life, do what you want, life is to short. If it’s something you two really want then I dont see why not. Who cares how young you are. Do it for you, no matter what other people say, remember it’s your life, live it the way you want to. ;) good luck :P

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@gorgeousgal3 “Just because someone is opinionated and doesn’t let people order them around, it doesn’t make them a lesbian okay.” – sure, it does. And it makes them an atheist. Just look at me. I turn them all into lesbians. Welcome to my lair.

crisw's avatar

@xMissMorganx

If I may ask, how old are you and have you ever been married?

dee1313's avatar

Getting married young and fast? Sounds like a mix for trouble. A good questions is this: Can you both sit down and discuss something about each other that bothers the other reasonably? (aka turn arguments into discussions to better your relationship?) No two people will fit each other perfectly, so being able to discuss things openly is good.

Also, you need to figure out some things about each other. How will you handle money, do you have debts, what are your life goals, do you want kids, what are your religious views? If one or the other feels very strongly about politics, that may be another thing to address. Since you guys are young, even if you do go though these questions successfully, that doesn’t mean a lot because most people change all throughout their lives, with the most changes happening before they’re in their late 20s.

If you guys still don’t change your mind, I recommend you wait. Go ahead, plan on getting married to each other, share that dream of a future… but wait. Say… until one of you is 25-ish. Set that as your wedding date or something. I say this primarily because you’ve only been together for 4 months.

This doesn’t match up what I’ve experienced myself, but that’s because I consider myself very lucky. I started dating my husband at 16 and married him at 19. I’m 21 now. We got married sooner than we probably would have because he joined the Marines, and after a year apart (because his duty station was so far away) we got married so we could be together. That is usually a bad idea, but again, I’ve been very fortunate. Even if things were to end up badly, I wouldn’t have wished it hadn’t happened.

Basically, marriage is probably the biggest decision you’ll ever make in your life. Getting married young and fast is a risky decision. You could be lucky, like me, and wished it had happened sooner, or it could end badly and you could end up in your early twenties already divorced. In our relationship, I take care of all the finances, and because of it I could easily open credit cards in my husband’s name without him ever knowing. There is so much risk involved, but that’s relationships for you.

I’m not going to tell you what to do. I don’t know everything, so I’m not going to. It’s a good sign that you went to Fluther to get unbiased opinions, but that’s just all it is, and none of these people really know who you guys are. Take in the advice, both of you sit down and discuss it. Regret can be a hard thing to live with, so make your decision wisely.

xMissMorganx's avatar

@crisw

I am 19 years old, never married. But, I am in a serious relationship. My boyfriend is a United States Marine and he is 21 years old. Even though we are young we know that we are ment to be with each other. Were perfect together even our families agree. We do plan on getting married, it’s just a matter of when, because financially right now is not the best time. Why would it matter if I was married or not? I understand that I dont have the perspective to give about married life, but marriage is what the two people make it to be. :)

iamthemob's avatar

@xMissMorganx

“We do plan on getting married, it’s just a matter of when, because financially right now is not the best time.”

I feel like the above quote speaks to part of the reason @crisw asked about your marital status, and why it does matter. You’ve advocated that @mineown marry his girlfriend based on the status of their relationship now, and not to let anyone stop them, it seems…

…but you yourself have not gotten married because there are external factors that need to be considered. Marriage is less a decision about staying together than it is about building a stable financial and benefit-based foundation for a life together.

So, it’s important in giving advice about the decision to get at the reasons why he wants to get married. No one is advocating that the couple split – but if the issue is that @mineown is viewing marriage as the method to keep them together, then it’s not the right way to go. If you can’t stay together when you’re not married, I think there are greater odds that you won’t be able to stay together when you are married – or that there will be resentment with having to stay with the person due to subsequent credit and debt links.

xMissMorganx's avatar

@iamthemob

Yeah, I see what your saying. But if the two are planning on getting married. They must have money to get married, they are just questioning if they are too young to get married. You make a good point, I didn’t think about that. :)

Kardamom's avatar

@iamthemob I think you put this whole marriage thing into perspective with your last comment. I wish I could have put it so succinctly. Excellent points!

iamthemob's avatar

@xMissMorganx

I agree that the question of whether someone is “too young” is a bad one. No one is too young, or too old. Rather, the question is why do you want to, what are the reasons to do so, what are the reasons not to, and will it hurt to wait.

@Kardamom

I probably could not have put it succinctly had your contribution and that of others laid out all of it in detail. I will defer credit to y’all and say that I’m merely summing things up. ;-)

Kardamom's avatar

@xMissMorganx You don’t have to have money to support yourself to simply get married. You can run down to the court house and get married very cheaply. But if that’s all the money you have, that won’t keep a roof over your head or pay your grocery bills or pay for your health care or car maintenance or care of a baby. That is what @iamthemob is trying to point out. The young people in the question, need to ask themselves a ton of questions before they consider getting married. Anyone, of any age, needs to do that. If they are truly “meant to be together” forever, then they will be whether they are married now, or in 5 or 10 or 20 years.

Kardamom's avatar

@iamthemob You are a good and wise man. Thanks for being so supportive (in all your threads that you’ve been participating in).

xMissMorganx's avatar

@Kardamom

Yeah, I see your point and his point. If they have money to be financially stable and whatnot, they go for it. But you right, money is something everyone needs to survive and build a life on.

mattbrowne's avatar

I wouldn’t recommend it, but there are many factors to be considered such as education and career paths. I’d wait another 1–2 years at least.

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