I’ve had a couple of long term relationships where there was some sexual chemistry, but not enough to last. It wore off after a few years in both cases. In my other two long term relationships, there was some very intense chemistry. For whatever reason, we were attracted to each other, and it wasn’t something that was going to end.
For example, for about a decade, my wife appeared to stop being interested in me, sexually. It was a big problem for me because I didn’t feel like she loved me any more, and she never was going to love me. But was still attracted to her. Very much so.
A lot of things happened; I’ve written about it elsewhere here. After a few years of counseling, we kind of sorted out what had happened and why it had happened and figured out what we could do about it. We forgave each other… and there was a lot to forgive. Well, maybe we’re still forgiving. Not sure that process ever ends. But at this point, I believe she loves me, which gives me a confidence I haven’t had in years.
Without the chemistry—without my desire for her—I don’t know if we could have come back together, even with two kids, a house, and retirement savings together. It is very important to me. It is a key ingredient in the relationship, for me, because it can keep me interested even though everything else is going wrong. It has to be there. It has to make me shake in her company. It has to make me want to look at her all the time. She has to compel me with a kind of tractor beam that reaches from her heart to mine. And, of course, there’s the magnetic connection at the end. Bang! We crash together and our bodies are like one and we don’t knew where one ends and the other begins.
That’s what has kept my relationships going. The lack of that is what let relationships die. It’s a rare woman who can do that for me. It’s an even rarer woman who does that for me and I do that for her. I’ve been lucky in that I’ve met a handful of women like that in my life. Lucky, and grateful. And totally blessed.