My father probably loved me. I say probably because he never told me so. He was more than a paper father. He did a lot of things with the family. My main problem with him, however, was that I never knew how I was doing. He never told me if I was doing well enough.
I think that all three types of fathers abandon their children. This kind of abandonment often causes the children to be unable to trust others, and it makes it harder for them to establish good intimate relationships.
Absentee fathers, according to the people I’ve talked to (in fact, all of what I am about to say is based on personal experience, and should not be mistaken for scientific fact), leave children wondering what they did wrong. Why were they so bad they chased their fathers away? This tends to do a number of self-esteem. Maybe even inherently bad people.
Abusive fathers can do all kinds of damage. Their kids are left with a legacy of mistrust, abandoment, low self-esteem, hypersexuality, in ability to form attachments. I’d have to say they are the worst.
Paper fathers—there but not there, can model a fear of emotions, or a reluctance to share emotions. They can make it hard for children to face themselves. It leads to low self-esteem. The child feels like they aren’t good enough to deserve their father’s attention. They learn to hide everything inside and not admit to any weakness.
I think I would choose the paper father over the absentee father. I would most certainly not want the abusive father. They say that silence and emotional distance is abuse, too. That’s probably true.
The only time I ever saw my father showing emotion was when he was angry. I could never do good. Only bad. It’s been hard working through it, and I don’t know when (or if) it will end.