I think if you are talking about a potential mate, a “connection and chemistry” is something above and beyond just being able to easily talk to someone. It is the proverbial “it” that we just can’t put our finger on. It might start as a feeling of infatuation, but somewhere along the line it turns into something else, the “it.” If you find “it” with somebody else, that is what is going to turn into love, the deep, warm feeling of connectedness that makes you want to be with them and share your life with them.
I know that you have been having some doubts about whether you have that kind of connection with your new boyfriend. And you also said you never really had that “it” feeling with your long time boyfriend (although you did love him). I think that for some people, they never have that “Ah ha” moment or they just have a less intense kind of feeling for their partners although they very well may be perfectly compatible and love their partner. Also, sometimes it takes longer for some people to feel the “it” feeling.
I know it’s different for all people, but for me, I never had any doubts about how I felt about my mate. It was clear and obvious to me, even though it wasn’t immediate. I fell in like, I fell in lust, and then I fell in love. The love part lasts, but the intensity of it changes. And that’s a good thing.
You can also never expect that the way your feelings for one person develop in the same manner or at the same rate as they did for someone else. Each relationship is uniquely different in that way. But for me there has always been a clear indication in my own heart and mind that a particular relationship was a real one or if I was only having brotherly or friendship kind of love with the other person. I could not stay in a relationship with someone where (even if we had a lot of compatibility and common interests) I only felt like he was “just a friend” or “like a brother.” There has to be more, but that’s just me.
You might be having a bit of a hard time right now, because things started to go in a very positive direction with your new fella, but then the old boyfriend popped back in to stir things up. The new guy may or may not be the one for you, but the old boyfriend is definitely not the one. You can love him, and you probably always will have a sweet sense of love for him, but let him go and give this new relationship a chance (un-encumbered by the old boyfriend’s influence). I wish you luck and lots of love. And I hope you find “it.”