Not sure if this really answers your question or is any relevant, but from my perspective— and obviously I’m no expert in any of this—
When you’re a couple with someone for a long time, you grow desensitized to the person and you become self-absorbed. Your mind has associated your partner with problems and chores, so that her presence becomes a dumpage for your thoughts and current interests. Since you can always count on her to be there, she turns into your wingman.
Overexposure causes a wall to be erected, each seeking privacy and freedom yet unable to cut loose. E.g. she knows you so well she’s tired of hearing about the same problem and same obsessions, while you feel like you need her support yet you resent that need so you become touchy.
I guess I didn’t really address “how to build connection” but “how the connection cannot be established.” If you can’t re-establish connection, how can there be connection? Old baggages block that complete ease and acceptance… but anyway…
Might be a good idea to stay away from each other for a while to recover from depletion? Time spent apart, you might start to miss her like crazy and return a willing listener. If that’s not physically possible, try not talking to each other for a week, pretending the other doesn’t exist? Sometimes you kind of realize that she’s done so much for you, and she also realizes that you’ve done countless things whatever it took for her.
Stop insisting that things be done your way..
Sharing with each other a little positive feeling each day is also good start.. It goes a long way, really…....
And you’re like.. what is this person talking about? I think I’m lecturing myself. Pardon me.