Make it nice and s l o w. May I suggest Death by Cat?
It’s how I’m currently offing my #$%*& laptop. The cat is irresistibly drawn to the heat of the laptop. As he is attempting to settle in for a nap on the keyboard, pick him up to move him and he will hook his claws under the keys, popping several off in the process.
While you’re at work, he’ll finally get his nap in peace. The laptop, unable to vent heat through the keyboard, will overheat and crash. Reboot and repeat overnight.
And then, the coup de grace: Leave a houseplant within reach of the cat, so he’ll find it and get a bellyfull. Now just wait. Eventually, nature will take its course and voila! a nice juicy qwerty right where it counts. Just to savor the moment, watch as your computer types some barf-addled gobbledegook all by itself!
Best of all, your SO will never be able to pin the piece of shit’s demise on you! It’s the perfect crime. It will take awhile for the process to…um, reach completion, but when it’s over it will be perfectly understandable why you need that new Macbook.
Enjoy.