When I was in 6th grade our teacher taught us how to solve a Rubik’s Cube. During that year’s school carnival there was to a be a competition to see who could do this the fastest. In order to prepare for this event, I decided I needed to “grease up my cube”.
It is a known fact, among Rubik’s Cubists, that you can eliminate a great deal of friction while solving the cube by dismantling it and rubbing a thin layer of Vaseline on all of the parts that rub against each other. I was in my room doing this when an entirely different thought entered my head.
By the time I was in 6th grade I had been aware of the fact that, uh, manipulating my penis resulted in a pleasurable, if messy, sensation. I also was no stranger to the variable that Vaseline presented in this equation. To make a long story short, I had the cube about halfway put together and copiously lubed when I decided to, for want of a better phrase, hump it.
My Wranglers were half down and I was really giving it to old Erno Rubik’s puzzle when I heard my bedroom door open and my Mother sigh, “I don’t think that’s how you solve one of those Jon.”
The door clicked softly shut as I stood there horrified and still twitching a bit inside the cube. I avoided making eye contact with either of my parents for the next few weeks.
fucking tonya payne beat me in the competition too. bitch.