A good book to read about anger and how to ‘interpret’ your own anger is “The Language of Emotions” by Karla McLaren. She’s one of the few people that I’ve read that do not negate the value of anger, or vilify it, but explains that we should use it as a tool to understand ourselves, to direct our actions, etc.
There was a phase in my life where I became extremely depressed for years and it was because I had repressed my anger for so long, not validating my frustrations because I bought into all that happy talk that’s going on—the “you are in charge of your emotions, happiness is your own responsibility, you are the one who makes yourself happy,’” etc etc. I think there’s some value in the ‘happy talk,’ but even that gets to a point where the price is the loss of validating true and honest emotions, like anger and hate. I think a lot of people are depressed because they are working too freaking hard trying to be happy, and not accepting that the negative emotions are a necessary part of the spectrum and our daily processes.
So, yes, in a breakup, I do think anger and hate are part of the process if, and especially if there was a great level of disrespect. I’ve had a breakup that went like this:
“Hey… I think you’re a bitch.” (matter of fact tone)
“I think you’re an asshole.” (laughing.)
“Friends?”
“Sure thing.”
And we’re still friends 23 years later. No anger, no hate, just total acceptance and respect that we didn’t fit each other. The worst breakup I had was when I was lied to, tricked, left in the dark, abandoned and lied about—took a long, long time to get over because I was emotionally violated and it was betrayal on many levels. Hatred and anger was a huge part of this breakup, but if all the cards had been on the table, I really think there would’ve been much different outcome.
I think it has a lot to do with what happens during the breakup—is it honest? Is there a level of mutual respect (even if the other person’s a total cad)? Is one person ripping the rug out from under the other and dancing in fiendish glee?
May the road rise up to meet you, may the sun be always at your back and jeez… may you always have a good breakup :)