Why do you continue to torture yourself? Please move on and stop giving this man so much power. Remember that it is your one and only life.

Yes. I have felt like that. I think it is really craving some sort of interaction with the person actually. Even if it is a negative interaction. Anything is better than silence for many people.

Which I wanted him in, @gailcalled…but I think I am on the verge of giving up. It’s too much already…I need to move on…

I know it’s hard, but he is not worthy of all the attention you are giving him. If he is ignoring you, that is your answer. Try to move on and find someone that will care about you for you.

Yes, @JLeslie…I need closure, even if it’s not the answer I want…but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen…

I’m trying, @chyna…Thank you…

@yankeetooter So, he is actually ignoring you? Can you just ask him out. Force the answer of whether he might be interested or not.

I can’t seem to get up the nerve. I’ve been trying to for so long, but something (maybe just outright cowardice or low self-esteem?) keeps holding me back…

Once…learned my lesson a long time ago.

@yankeetooter: Do you really believe that you and this man have a future together or even the chance for a decent and healthy relationship? It doesn’t sound that way to me.

I guess this one is my lesson, @Cruiser…

I once did, @gailcalled. I think that is becoming less likely with time, or at least I am giving up…

@yankeetooter, maybe because you know the answer will be “no, I’m not interested”, and for as long as you can stand it, then you’re willing to be in the limbo where don’t have to hear that “no”.

I wish you peace, but I’ll tell you this: the pain of hearing “no” never lasts as long as you think it will. “No” is a good thing. That means you don’t belong together and the sooner you can be emotionally available for the man who is worthy of you, wants you and you him, the better.

Yeah, @aprilsimnel, you’re right. It’s just that I can’t seem to approach him if only to hear that no…I guess that’s why him coming up to me and telling me straight up he’s not interested would be better than continuing not to know. It would hurt alot, but at least I could begin accepting that…

@yankeetooter Sorry you had to learn the hard way…you will be glad you did!

Tell me that in about 3–4 months, @Cruiser, and I know I’ll agree with you…

MIght you assume that if he has not shown signs of interest or not told you that he is interested, he is not interested?

That’s why I’m starting to give up, @gailcalled. I didn’t want to see the handwriting on the wall, but there it is. I just wished could know for certain…

@yankeetooter No problem…see you then

@yankeetooter: My dear, you do know for certain.

I do @gailcalled, but it hurts really bad…

Perhaps it is time to work on why this is causing you such pain and why you remain fixated on this.

Just being hopeful I guess, @gailcalled. For so long I did not want to give up on the possibilities…and he used to flirt with me and talk to me, so I’m not sure what went wrong, but it obviously has…

@gailcalled‘s absolutely right, @yankeetooter.

It’s not about him, it’s about you and why you believe you need this man’s validation. You don’t need anyone’s validation of your worth. You are fine exactly as you are, and if he can’t see it, then he’s not the right guy.

You’re making it out to be in your head that his rejection means you’ve failed somehow, and that’s just not the case. Don’t hurt yourself like this.

Trying, @aprilsimnel. I’ve just been hoping for things to work out for something like 6 months now (pathetic, I know…). He just brought out the best in me, at a time in my life when I was really hurting…How could I help but love him for that?

I think he is a kind enough person to want you to get the message without his having to shame or embarrass you with a direct, overt rejection. If you care about him, be kind enough in return to spare him a painful scene that neither of you will ever forget and that would destroy any chance of a pleasant friendship later on. Move on, dear. Let it go and move on.

He is a an incredibly kind person, @Jeruba…if you only knew…

It sounds like you think there are only 2 alternatives.

The first being that you never say anything to him about your interest in him he will never let you know if he is interested in you.

The second is that if you force a confrontation with him that he will react in a loud a negative manner and scream that he has no feelings for you.

Neither one of those options is a good or practical way for you to find out what you need to know.

I know that you have said that you are shy, but the only way to find out how he feels about you (or that he would like to go on a date with you) is to ASK him. That does not mean that you have to walk up in front of his face and demand an answer. There are other ways to ask him and/or find out.

You can send him a note or a card, saying that you’ve enjoyed his company and would like to ask him out for coffee. Put your phone number and your e-mail in the card and just wait for a reply. If you know he’s home (not out of town) and you don’t hear back from him within a week. You can safely assume that he is not interested.

You can have a friend, male or female, talk to the man and ask him if he would like to join you (or you and the friend, or a group of friends even) for coffee. The friend will be better able to know whether the guy is interested or is making up a lame excuse for why he can’t. In that case, you’ll know for sure too.

If you know his e-mail or his text address (is that what it’s called? I don’t text) then just simply ask him if he’d like to join you for coffee sometime and wait for his reply.

I forgot whether or not you said that you actually see him in any regular manner. If you do, you could just stop by wherever he is, and maybe have a friend tag along with you and then ask him if he’d like to join you for coffee sometime. Again, the friend will be able t more clearly decipher if he’s interested or not.

You could also send a friend to talk to him directly, have the friend explain that you are shy, and have the friend ask this dude directly if he has any interest in you or in going on a date with you. Tell the friend to ask him to tell him/her the truth so that the answer can be relayed back to you. This could be a little embarrassing, but you will get a quick answer. Then you can either move forward with the date, or chalk it up to his non-interest. I actually played the go-between for 2 friends of mine in this exact manner. Turns out that they both actually liked each other and had for a very long time. They went on a date, that went disastrously and then they decided never to date each other again. They both realized that the supposed “person of their dreams” (for which these 2 actually pined away for each other for several years) was not what they had in mind at all.

Which leads me to my last thoughts. Even though you think you are in love with this guy, you are really just infatuated. You have to actually know someone, and not just in a fleeting kind of way, to truly love them. This guy is sitting so far up on a pedastal for you right now, that you can’t see straight. I know, because I have been there, several times and I thought I was going to die. But I actually took the time to find out how those people felt about me, because otherwise I would have been stuck in limbo for a lifetime.

The one that I had the worst and most desperate feelings of love for turned out to be a total douche-bag. And the experience I had with him colored my world for years. We dated briefly, but he did not love me at all and he dumped me in a rather humiliating and public way. So don’t always think that just because you have feelings for someone, that that person will turn out to be how you want them to be. Some really douchey people lure you in with their charm.

On the other hand, you really have no idea what this guy is like, or if he is interested in you. You can only find that out by asking him. The worst thing that can happen is that he will let you know that he is either unavailable or that he doesn’t feel the same way about you, that you do about him. Then you get to cry your eyes out, feel like crap for awhile and then move on. The alternative is that you continue to feel like crap now and for a good long while without ever knowing the truth. It’s up to you.

Nope. I just ripped the bandaid off myself. I find that by doing it myself I am less likely to lose some skin. If you keep waiting for him the longer the wound has to fester.
Rip it off, treat it, and let it heal and move on.
Keep waiting and the wound may never heal.

I don’t think he would react in a loud negative way, @Kardamom, he’s too nice a guy for that. I just meant that that would almost be better than not knowing, but I’m sure it really would. When I think back now to some times that we got to talk briefly, I think he was just being nice, and wasn’t really interested. He’s just that type of guy…but I misinterpreted his actions I think…

@Pandora Okay…

@Kardamom (Sorry, you wrote so much it’s taking a while to absorb and respond too, lol!) I like the thought of having someone else talk to him, but it seems like an awkward way to start something…

Why not try some of my alternative methods for finding out for sure??? Then you will know. I know that you can write him a note in a card. Even when you are shy, you can do that. Look, you’ve been talking to us and writing up a storm and spelling it out how you feel. Just do that for him in a card. Just ask him out for coffee, it’s pretty easy if you think about it. You don’t have to divulge how you feel about him at all and you don’t even have to call it a date. Just ask him out for coffee. That’s it. Just try it. Or have a friend talk to him.

It’s a lot less awkward to send a friend to talk to him than it would be for you, as a shy person, to just walk up to him and ask him yourself. Plus you said he’s a kind person. He’ll let your friend know what the situation is.

My 2 stupid friends actually had their little thing play out for almost 3 years, then each of them separately asked me to talk to the other one. So I did and relayed the info back to each of them. I think it was a huge relief for them both. Try this method.

Okay, @Kardamom…I’ll sleep on it…

That sounds like a great idea. And just try to not worry about it. Whatever happens will happen. : )

Worry’s my middle name, @Kardamom. It’s what I do…

Well, that’s another thing that you probably need to work on. The shyness and the worry things will do you in if you don’t nip them in the bud. But we’ll talk about that later. G’night.

Good night! And thanks…