My family on my dad’s side is poisoned by this dysfunctional web of secrets and lies. There are these ridiculous things that for one reason or another, we aren’t supposed to tell someone something. This was a typical script I remember as a kid
Dad: Don’t tell grandma <X>.
Grandma: Don’t tell anyone that I know all about <X>.
Aunts: Don’t tell grandma that we know that she knows about <X>. And she’s right, don’t let your dad know that grandma knows about <X>.
It would get really confusing for me. What was safe to talk about with who? When someone mentions something related to <X>, am I supposed to pretend I don’t know what they are referring to? Or am I one of the people allowed to know <X>? Is this family member allowed to know that I know <X>.
A The worst one happened when I was 10 and my grandma’s dog died. My grandma told everyone not to tell me the dog was dead. He was only sleeping. The dog was stretched out in a coffin-like display on a blanket in front of the fireplace OBVIOUSLY dead. I got so confused. I had to pull my mom into the bathroom and say.. “Mom. I know that dog is dead. Does grandma know the dog is dead, or does she think the dog is sleeping? Am I allowed to acknowledge that the dog is dead, or do I have to continue to pretend that I don’t know so it doesn’t upset grandma?” My mom said she had no idea and muttered something about how sick the whole thing was.
As an adult, I get really anxious and uncomfortable about any sorts of secrets at all. I never know how to react and I never know what to say or do. So I just get sick and obsessive thinking about it. You can see this in a questuion I asked earlier this week.