Fluther: If you were a murderer in some cheesy slasher flick, what ...

If you were a murderer in some cheesy slasher flick, what would be your main instrument of murder?

Asked by Berserker (33553

) May 7th, 2011
120 responses
“Great Question” (10

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Need some fun morbidity around here, so…if you were a killer in a horror movie, what trademark weapon would you use?
It can be anything, even something that might not, at first, seem like something you could traditionally kill somebody with. A rubber chicken, a toothbrush, a folding chair, a shovel, a rock lol.
Or you can be more traditional…knives, baseball bat, a chainsaw, farm tools. Or you can go totally mental if you want. A broadsword, a jackhammer, a snowplow lol.
I’m pretty boring, I’d use a good ol’ kitchen knife, but I also like axes a lot. Maybe a scythe, that would rock. Or maybe a stick with a bunch of knives attached to it somehow.
So, how about you? I swear this question was already asked on here…but like cheesy sequels to slasher films, what’s the harm, right? (pun intended lawl)

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Topics: movies, fun, death, instruments, trademark, weapons, horror, murder, yours, slashers

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Answers

Either a machete or a fork.

I always wondered what it’d be like to stab a bitch in the throat with a fork.

KateTheGreat (13640

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The massacre of the English language?

gailcalled (54647

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A fillet knife, and a small bat. I would also wear a rubber Gene Simmons mask with all the hair burned off. LOL

Only138 (4648

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@KatetheGreat Lmao nice. :D You could eat use it to eat your victim with afterward. :D

Berserker (33553

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A bow and arrow. Get them in both legs. Then the arms. Then take a knife made from wolf teeth and slowly slice their neck…

rock4ever (1866

)“Great Answer” (3

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A garden weasel. I mean, take a fuggin’ look at that thing! That IS a murder weapon!

Oh, and if not, I’d use a baseball bat that I never wash when I’m done using it. I would augment it by adding a tooth of one of my victims with every use.

Joker94 (8180

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@Symbeline I’d only eat the tongue and cheeks though. That’s just how I roll ;)

KateTheGreat (13640

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A scotching knife…

yankeetooter (9651

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I would crush people with a giant cheese ball. I would also make sure that it was covered with nuts for extra pain as they are being crushed.

Afterwards it’s a tasty treat.

Ron_C (14493

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@rock4ever Nice. An element of strategy is always some freaky shit.

@Joker94 Damn! Lookit that damn thing! I’m not entirely sure, but I think Jason may have used one of those in one of the movies. Cool, I’d watch your movie if it had that thing. Plus I love your deal with the bat. You should direct slasher flicks lol.

@Joker94 What’s a filet knife? I know, shame. XD

@yankeetooter I also don’t know what those are…I should probably revise.

@Ron_C Lmao. Nice.

Berserker (33553

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Of course I’d just FUCK EVERYBODY TO DEATH!!!

it’s just a movie remember

RealEyesRealizeRealLies (30960

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@RealEyesRealizeRealLies I’m down widdat. XD

Berserker (33553

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@Symbeline Thanks.
I might have a better one tomorrow. What I wrote there was nothing compared to my usual. I’m just a bit tired.

rock4ever (1866

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@Symbeline I know need to see that scene with Jason. And rest assured, if I direct anything, you’ll be among the first to see it :D

Joker94 (8180

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A dental drill and the edge of copier paper!

Cruiser (40454

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@Symbeline it’s just something someone said one time that made me laugh…he had a penknife, basically, and was joking about how you could hold it in your hand, pull your sleeve down over your hand, and come up behind somebody and scotch them.

I had never heard this phrase before, but I still laugh about it when I think of it…and don’t worry, he wasn’t being serious…

yankeetooter (9651

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And I FUCK YOUR BLOODY nutty CHEESEBALL TO DEATH TOO @Ron_C.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies (30960

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I would use twin balisongs and control them with my awesome and frightening psychokinesis. Flying them around and tormenting my victims until I can walk in and just disembowel them or something. I’d also keep the eyes of my victims in jars I have hidden in the walls of my basement.

@Joker94 Or that hybrid garden tool.. If used right.

ddude1116 (5575

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@ddude1116 hybrid gardening FTW

Joker94 (8180

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A spatula.
You see, I’m a chef at an upscale Chinese restaurant. One day, the staff in the kitchen pisses me off. I grab the spatula that I keep in my back pocket. It is extra sharp at the end and with the push of a button on the handle, it can throw blades and fire. See, I’m at the drawing board with this idea already. I’ll kill a few customers too who give me tude’.

Vunessuh (16727

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A pen. I’d hide behind a door and wait. Then I’d stab them in the belly button, then the ears, moving to the nose, then finish off on the neck.

rock4ever (1866

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Suck a mess, @rock4ever…ink everywhere! And you know how hard it is to get ink out of stuff…!

yankeetooter (9651

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@Joker94 Though, it’d be so much better in a zombie flick..

ddude1116 (5575

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@RealEyesRealizeRealLies thanks. Actually I have said that I would like to die at the age of 90, shot by a jealous husband. Being crushed by a giant cheese ball would be fun too. If you do it, please leave out the nuts (on the cheese ball).

Ron_C (14493

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The weapon of choice? A six-pack of Pepsi bottles. Six is enough to be considered a serial killer. One hard bop over the head, and then a slice to the juggler vein will do the job. It would be pretty easy to rid the scene of evidence. And the caveat might be that Coca-Cola funds the movie.

Pied_Pfeffer (28144

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@yankeetooter har har!!!! I’ll make sure to movie murder them on the white rug!

rock4ever (1866

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@rock4ever I’ve seen a cool ’‘accidental death’’ which involved a pen in a movie. Yes it was an accident, as the person didn’t kill the right individual…but the intent was there, and the pen fucking works. Some bitch stabbed me on top of my hand with a pen once. Not deep, but it still hurt like ass.

@Cruiser Gaaah dentist equipment. Nice. What’s a copy paper though? That reminds me though…paper cut death lol.

@ddude1116 Whoa! That thing kicks ass! I’m loving farming more and more…and I agree, that would be some ultimate shit in a zombie flick, fo sho.

@Vunessuh LOL you should use that pic as your avatar. And I love this answer, some death spatula that shoots knives and immolates peeps. How do you come up with this stuff lol.

Also, necrophiliac cheeseball porn! The next best thing since…sliced dead people.

Berserker (33553

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@Cruiser Death by paper cut…oh, how cruel! Maybe pour salt on it too? Lol!

yankeetooter (9651

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@Symbeline Why’d they stab you?

rock4ever (1866

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I would sign my victims with a bunch no limit credit cards… then watch them destroy themselves… To a model I would sign her up with a bunch of cake of the month clubs

talljasperman (21924

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@yankeetooter add bee stings to the paper cuts.

rock4ever (1866

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Ow, @rock4ever!

yankeetooter (9651

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Methinks we are enjoying coming up with ways to moider people way too much! A bunch of pent up hostility, perhaps?

yankeetooter (9651

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Yeah I am enjoying it to much. I’m suppose to be on violent thought detox! I think I should leave, but then again… ah I’m done following! :(

rock4ever (1866

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A tire iron.

The emphasis of my serial killer movie wouldn’t be my weapon so much, but my modus operandi. I’d drive an armored ‘55 Chevy Bel Air, wear blue jeans, a plaid button up, a pompadour, and a leather jacket, and I’d drive slowly around lonely highways blaring doo wop tunes until other drivers got road rage and started tail gating me or blazing past me. That’s when I’d chase them down with my supercharged engine, ram them off the road, get my trusty tire iron out of the trunk, and beat them to a pulp while singing “This Magic Moment” or “Earth Angel.”

TexasDude (25274

)“Great Answer” (6

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A nice pair of shiny black escrima sticks.

MRSHINYSHOES (14001

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@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard Lol——like in Sin City?

MRSHINYSHOES (14001

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I would use my favorite gardening tool: The Wilcox Garden Shiv. That’s not really what it’s called but it looks a lot like what I imagine you would end up with if you left an ordinary trowel lying around a maximum security prison.

lillycoyote (24875

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No @yankeetooter vinegar!! XD

Cruiser (40454

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(cringing), @Cruiser!

yankeetooter (9651

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That’s a fine pointed trowel, you have there… @lillycoyote!

yankeetooter (9651

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Erg I’m back.
How’s about constrict them with barbed wire and pull it tighter and tighter and tighter! Do they suffocate, or bleed out first? MUHAHAHAHA!

rock4ever (1866

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@yankeetooter An extremely fine pointed trowel. It works like a champ too, no matter what I ask of it.

lillycoyote (24875

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Oh and by the way rule #1 always add salt to a wound! :)

rock4ever (1866

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I knew you couldn’t stay away, @rock4ever. Even killing, lol, @lillycoyote…? (just kidding)

yankeetooter (9651

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I would overdose my victims on viagra and watch their dicks explode, ha ha ha

woodcutter (16387

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And insult them too, @rock4ever…that way you’re adding insult to injury…

(tapping mike) Is this thing on?

yankeetooter (9651

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Chinese water torture!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rock4ever (1866

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Paper. Open up their stomach with a knife and start stuffing them like a holiday turkey!
I’m hungry… ;)

rock4ever (1866

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@yankeetooter Methinks we are enjoying coming up with ways to moider people way too much! A bunch of pent up hostility, perhaps?
It’s all good, mang.

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard Lol nice. Ever watched Lost Highway, by David Lynch? What you’re saying here reminds me a bit of one part in there. (minus the singing lol) Anyways, sweet.

@lillycoyote Wow, looks like some psychotic ginzu knife. Love it.

@rock4ever Barbed wire, cool. I always thought it would be neat if in a movie, someone was lynched with that.

@woodcutter Exploding dicks…lol. XD

@MRSHINYSHOES What are escrima sticks?

Berserker (33553

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Not before I FUCK YOU TO DEATH!!! @woodcutter… and then my dick explodes.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies (30960

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Oh I get it! Exploding dicks! Is that why they call you @woodcutter?

The W-0–0-D cuttahhhh… BAM!

RealEyesRealizeRealLies (30960

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@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard That sounds like Death Proof with a hint of American Graffiti and Gordon Freeman’s crowbar.

@Symbeline That thing would rape zombies, and puns…

ddude1116 (5575

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Death Proof rocks. That’s all.

Berserker (33553

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@RealEyesRealizeRealLies Mwahahahah ,the blue pill bandit

woodcutter (16387

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My bare hands.

FutureMemory (24763

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@FutureMemory Excellent.

Berserker (33553

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@Symbeline Wooden fighting sticks. Like these—-
http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=escrima+sticks&view=detail&id=A04F5735FD5F361AD01F8C15E7CA36A6C9F9B1D2&first=31&FORM=IDFRIR

MRSHINYSHOES (14001

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@Symbeline Plus, the Wilcox trowel has a nice leather wrist strap that your ordinary household butcher knife does not.

lillycoyote (24875

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@MRSHINYSHOES Wow, nice. If used correctly, they could do severe damage and death. Well, if Bruce Lee used them, I have faith. :)

@lillycoyote Good point. But then, wrist straps might prevent some cool throwing scenes! XD

Berserker (33553

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I would totally use a chainsaw and saw my way through crowds of people. Hehe >:)

beccagolling (2317

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Since my dick exploded thanks to @woodcutter‘s viagra bombs, then I’ll clone ten million copies of Chuck Norris and have them FUCK YOU ALL TO DEATH!!!!

Take THAT Wood Chuck!

RealEyesRealizeRealLies (30960

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@beccagolling Fuck yeah. I approve of this.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies Carmina Burana plays every time Chuck Norris brushes his teeth.

Berserker (33553

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Hmmmm… let’s see.

- A Native American Ball-Head-War-Club. They look cool.
– A hammer. Any type really, hell give me a rawhide mallet.
– A rolling pin. I’m a mother-fucking-baker. Dinner is served bitches!
– A KA-BAR. Um, because they’re awesome?
– A 4-D Maglite or one of those Telescoping batons. But I’d have to be wear jack-boots too.
– A grapefruit spoon. They’re serrated you know.
– I could do a Zweihänder. But probably not indoors.

everephebe (11611

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Unless you trashed all the indoors along with your victims. :) But if you don’t use a two handed German sword, I think the hammer is fucking epic. :)

Berserker (33553

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@Symbeline I wouldn’t care about the interiors so much, both of the person(s) or the building, but why dull or nick a perfectly good blade you know? I mean hypothetically. :D

everephebe (11611

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…oh. Sorreh. XD

Berserker (33553

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Whoops edited to be wouldn’t care.^^

everephebe (11611

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Uh yeah, makes perfect sense @Symbeline, considering that Messa da Requiem plays every time he FUCKS EVERYBODY TO DEATH!!!

RealEyesRealizeRealLies (30960

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I’d rather be fucked to death than some other mainstream way of dying. XD

KateTheGreat (13640

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@RealEyesRealizeRealLies Baaaaaaaaaaaah that broke my fucking eardrums!! That is, through how epic it was. Thanks. :) Reminds me of One Winged Angel.

Berserker (33553

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Oh that’s the tune Chuck looks for a place to dispose of his used condom after he FUCKS YOU ALL TO DEATH!!!

RealEyesRealizeRealLies (30960

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Chucky dun use condoms man. This I know. :D

Berserker (33553

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OH! Chucky’s in Luvvvvv

RealEyesRealizeRealLies (30960

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Ya know it lol. :D

Berserker (33553

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Anyone else wonder if Realeyesx3 was drinking tonight?

FutureMemory (24763

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God, I hope.

Vunessuh (16727

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Killer bees.Obedient killer bees….or a blowdryer.

lucillelucillelucille (34325

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Taser!!!!!!!! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Just keep going until they fry!

rock4ever (1866

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Machete. Ah, the wonderful machete!

pshizzle (1100

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@pshizzle Come on you have better potential. I know you do. I’ve seen it. Be creative. :)

rock4ever (1866

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Skewers like Kakihara used would be cool to use, too.. Of varying sizes, though.

ddude1116 (5575

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A gunsword. Perfect for both close-combat and ranged assassination situations.

jellyfish3232 (1852

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Wait. It there such thing as a gunsword? Ah, no matter. I could make one.

jellyfish3232 (1852

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I think I’d like to have freakishly large and strong hands. Normal sized arms, but with the giant hands on the end that can crush steel. What would be scarier that some weird looking guy lumbering after you, trying to get a grip on you? Once that happens, it’s like being put in a giant vise. Lots of pulverized everything squeezing out and flying everywhere, limb by limb. I think that would be pretty scary.

cockswain (15289

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First off, there’s no way I could ever stab someone. I mean, it’s such a grotesque act. To actually plunge the blade with sufficient force to penetrate deep enough to inflict maximum damage…....ewwwwww, no thanks. I’d probably dab some girly little pricks at my victims torso, basically tickle them. Anyway yeah, a weapon? How about a black mambo rubber cock, with optional sidebar! Gives a whole new meaning to beating off!

ucme (50052

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I just remembered the way Javier Bardem killed people with the rivet gun in No Country For Old Men. I really thought that was pretty awesome.

cockswain (15289

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@jellyfish3232 The U.S. Army could probably set you up. An M16 with a bayonet on the end of it is pretty close to a “gunsword.” I also kind of like the idea of a “swordgun.” Something like a Browning machine gun, except that it shoots little swords instead of bullets.

lillycoyote (24875

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An Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device.

HungryGuy (16044

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Ah, how could I have forgotten?

jellyfish3232 (1852

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@jellyfish3232 – Portal 2 is out! Whoohoo!!!

(And didn’t Cloud from FFVII have a gunsword?)

HungryGuy (16044

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I like the garrote…but I am especially partial to poisoning as well…such a hard choice!

Ladymia69 (6884

)“Great Answer” (1

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Disassemble a high-power microwave and build a gun that cooks people alive…

HungryGuy (16044

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@ladymia69 The garrote? You are one morbid little girl. I like it. :)

@jellyfish3232 Final Fantasy VIII has a ’‘gunblade’’. I’m also seeing pics of ’‘gun knives’’. I’d love to show you the pics, but my internet is completely screwy and things aren’t loading. :/

Berserker (33553

)“Great Answer” (2

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Final Fantasy Gunblade

A real gunblade

HungryGuy (16044

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There we go, thanks man. :)

Berserker (33553

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Are you Vunessuh or are you Symbeline? I am scared.

Ladymia69 (6884

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The garrote is more fun if you make the chord from the victims own intestines. Work fast!

RealEyesRealizeRealLies (30960

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@RealEyesRealizeRealLies well-done.

Ladymia69 (6884

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@ladymia69 Vunessuh’s my mom, so I put up her picture for Mother’s Day. :D

Berserker (33553

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@Symbeline Yes, they can be deadly if struck in certain vulnerable areas of the body, but I think with Bruce Lee, it was more show than reality (lol). You can tell I don’t care for Bruce Lee much, despite using that pic as an example.

MRSHINYSHOES (14001

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Don’t know much about the man myself, but I thought he was this supreme hardcore kung fu guy?

Berserker (33553

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@Symbeline Yeah, he was the martial arts movie star of the 70s. Never liked him much, as I’ve always thought of him as a bit “psychotic” in his fighting, and in real life he had a gigantic ego and was cocky. Lol.

MRSHINYSHOES (14001

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Yes, I heard he was extremely arrogant, a bit of an asshole. What about Bolo Yeung? Like him? He was more of a body builder, but he knew actual martial arts too. I like a lot of his roles lol.

Berserker (33553

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I only saw him in Enter the Dragon, which I didn’t like. From what I read, Bolo Yeung had an easy-going attitude and was friendly to all, but he had a very stocky, chunky physique, almost fat-like. He played his role in Enter the Dragon well.

MRSHINYSHOES (14001

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He mostly played bad guys all the time. And yeah he’s a big guy, but since he’s short, I guess that gives him the stocky figure.

Berserker (33553

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I would rip peoples throats out with my bare hands with a freddy cougar look on my face

XOIIO (18360

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I shall bring this thread back to life… by saying a most wonderful way to kill!!!!!!!!
Chock them out with their own intestines.

rock4ever (1866

)“Great Answer” (1

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MUHAHAHAHAHAHA :D

rock4ever (1866

)“Great Answer” (0

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Rub a giant eraser on their stomach until all the skin peels off!

rock4ever (1866

)“Great Answer” (3

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Sweet Jesus.

TexasDude (25274

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@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard haha lol

rock4ever (1866

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This. thread. rocks.

Ladymia69 (6884

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@Ladymia69 if you think so then write a response.
Rip off their finger nails and puncture their vital arteries with them.

rock4ever (1866

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EAT THEM ALIVE!!!!!!!!

rock4ever (1866

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Rip out their spine and beat them with it. Also lol at the eraser.

Berserker (33553

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How about a steam roller? The title of the movie would be SQUISH

I guess I’d have to only go after really really slow people though.

keobooks (14327

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I’d totally watch that. But don’t underestimate the steamroller.

Berserker (33553

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Toe-nail clippers or a plastic comb.

everephebe (11611

)“Great Answer” (1

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@rock4ever I already wrote an answer….see above.

Ladymia69 (6884

)“Great Answer” (0

)

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