My first stepdaughter was very young when we met, 9yrs old. She was very shy and watchful at first so she could assess the situation and then decide if her dad and I were worth her time or not. Seriously. We ended up with a wonderful relationship though, the only rough spots being when she would want to talk down her mother or her mother’s wishes and we’d stop her and tell her we had all already agreed on such-and-such thing. She was very spoiled as far as materialistic things like designer clothes which I thought were ridiculous for children but since her grades were always outstanding and she was such a breeze in all other ways, we let her have what she wanted as long as we could manage it.
My current stepchildren are an interesting bunch. They too are very reserved and watchful before opening up and showing interest, comfort or affection. We let them have as much emotional room as possible since they are all teens, in the throes of junior adulthood. An issue we’ve brought up is now that they are older, they no longer get to avoid or ignore when adults speak to them and get away with it under the lame excuse of not being talkative or what not. They know they are expected to show the minimum responses or social niceties such as, hello, goodbye, no thank you, that sort of thing when directly addressed.
I like to let them deal with me on their own terms, not expect them to include me yet in their affections or even plans that include their dad. Their time with him needs to be as much what they want it as possible since he’s not able to see them that often or have the homelife he wanted with them. So far it’s working better and better.