@iLove This is hard for me to answer because I don’t think I could forgive my father in the same situation. I think the answers that others have given you are very helpful. I never would have thought of them. So why, you may wonder, am I writing?
The impact that my parents had on me came from some very subtle actions that could not really be called abuse and yet, I don’t want anything to do with them. We see them once a year for a week when they fund a summer vacation and then for a few days at Christmas and Thanksgiving.
The way they brought me up pretty much destroyed my self esteem. I don’t blame them. They did the best they could. I’m sure they didn’t mean it. But it is painful for me to be around them any more.
I don’t know if they ever knew who I was, but they certainly have no idea now. They are not emotionally available people. We used to send our kids to see them for a week or two each year, but then they started doing to my son what they did to me, and we could no longer allow that. So the kids don’t get to be with their grandparents unless we are around. They don’t mind. They don’t like the way their grandparents treat them either.
My family never talked about anything personal. Personal stuff is none of anyone else’s business. You don’t pry. So they have no clue why we don’t see them so much. They have no clue as to why I’ve changed. And of course, their lack of interest seems like a lack of care. The same lack of care I always felt growing up. I was never sure when they would suddenly decide I wasn’t good enough and kick me out. They decided to do that during the deepest recession prior to the current one.
@CaptainHarley recommends forgiveness. I understand why they did what they did. It worked. But it was cruel. Cruelty for my own good. I don’t think I have forgiven them. Or maybe I have, but I have not forgotten. Maybe that is the worst. Never forgetting. Living it over and over in your head. Maybe that’s one bad thing about fluther, because I tell these stories over and over and I seek to work out something in doing this. What that something is, I don’t know.
Your father didn’t protect you. Mine let me know I would forever be inadequate. On some level, I still believe that. I know it’s up to me to change that. It’s too late to blame where I am now on anyone else. But it still hurts. Especially when I think about it.
I don’t see my parents any more than the minimum required. I never talk to my brother. The only one I talk to is my little sister. She lives halfway around the world. All of us seem to have run from my parents. My siblings were there that night I got kicked out and the lesson they learned was not to go home again. Once you were out of the house, you were gone. Parental duty done. Begone.
So will I try to help when they get frail? As much as I can without having to go up there much. They don’t spend much time trying to inform me about their health.
I want to be able to be generous with my father. I don’t want to hold a grudge, but I do. So I keep myself walled off from him. We never talk about anything that means anything. I think I would go sit at his bedside if he were dying. But that’s all I’d do. I wouldn’t want to talk about anything. I wouldn’t want to make nice. He was never knowable and never understandable and I don’t think I want that any more. I’m too angry. I’m furious in a very quiet way.
I think that what you do is not something that can be logically figured out. Your gut will be the only guide you have. You have guilt and you have anger and pain. You have relatives you don’t want to isolate and relatives you don’t care about. There are financial considerations. It’s a pain in the butt.
I don’t think you should stand for any abuse. If you do visit them, then let them know up front that the moment they start abusing you, you will take your daughter and leave. I bet you won’t stay in that house for ten minutes. I think you have to be prepared to do that if you go up there again. Be prepared to leave after ten minutes. A long ride, I know.
If it were me, I wouldn’t go back. I’d stop taking your father’s calls. I don’t care how ungrateful he thought I was. There is only so much I can stand, and there is a real possibility that this kind of thing would throw me over the line. I don’t think you have to deal with that, but still, there is a point at which it is too much, and you might want to figure out where that point is.
If you can get support—maybe get your boyfriend or whatever to go with you—that could serve as a bit of a barrier between them and you. They might make nice. You want them to realize they can’t abuse you any more.
There is almost nothing there for you. Your father isn’t going to give you any words of wisdom. Your stepmother is completely out of control. There may be a couple of people, at best, you’ll want to maintain contact with.
You want to be there from guilt. From worrying about how others see you. From feeling like you owe your father for your birth at least at some level.
What would you do if you had no guilt? What would you do if you didn’t care? What is the best thing to do to protect your daughter?
That’s how I’d go about thinking about it. I’m sorry I can’t answer this question.