General Question

minniemau5's avatar

I don't know what to do in this relationship anymore...

Asked by minniemau5 (432points) June 12th, 2011
25 responses
“Great Question” (3points)

I’ve been with my boyfriend since January. He is my first everything and I really like him a lot. But right now we’re on a ‘break’ as he likes to call it, until he comes back to school in September since we live 3 hours away. A few weeks ago I noticed that he’d been posting twitter updates that didn’t really make sense to me, and made me suspicious that he was pursuing another girl. I did some digging and found that he recently started following his ex on Twitter and put two and two together and figured he was after his ex again. Whenever he’d talk about her to me he’d say how immature she is and how awful things were when they ended. So I was confused as to why he’d suddenly start following someone he could only speak badly of. Really hurt by this, I confronted him and he told me he only wants to talk to her and that she “hates him” and nothing would happen. Although less often, he still posts the odd twitter update that leaves me wondering if there’s more going on than he’s telling me. I also checked out his ex’s profile (I know, bad of me but I can’t help myself)... and she’s posting all these lovey-dovey updates. I don’t really know what to think. Also, I asked a question the other day about how he seems to morbid and depressed lately. Sometimes he just won’t talk to me at all. He never even says he misses me anymore. Lately I’ve been thinking that I should just leave him so I don’t have to hurt so much anymore… but I don’t want to. I’m 18 and this is my first relationship ever. Any advice on what I should do? Should I talk to him about this or will it just cause another fight?

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marinelife's avatar

Look, it seems as if the relationship is already over except in your mind.

Per him: you two are on a break.

Per his ex: she is after him again and he is responding.

You are the only one in a relationship. You should move on. First loves end.

zenvelo's avatar

When you asked this before, I think most people said to “take the break” from the relationship. It doesn’t seem that you have. I think you need to look at your side of this and see if you are willing to put up with his behavior (and it does not seem that way from what you have posted) or move on. If you put up with it now, he very most likely will not change.

So you talk to him about stopping communicating with his ex, or you break up with him.

Yes, that will hurt, break-ups usually do. But you need to so that you can get on with your life.

minniemau5's avatar

@marinelife If the relationship is truly over, why doesn’t he just let me go? Especially when I confront him about not liking me anymore or wanting to get back with his ex? Why doesn’t he say, “Yeah, you’re right – bye”?

It’s just really hard to move on when he seems to keep me around for whatever reason. I’m so confused.

zenvelo's avatar

@minniemau5 Why should he be the one to break it off? To him, he doesn’t need to. He obviously does not care enough about your feelings. In his mind you are the back up girlfriend that is waiting to see if his relationship with the other girl proceeds or ends.

minniemau5's avatar

@zenvelo because I’m not strong enough to do it :(

zenvelo's avatar

@minniemau5 Yes, it’s tough, and people here will support you as best they can. Going through this will help you grow as a person, so that you take ownership of your own feelings. Right now he is controlling your emotions; until you find the strength within yourself (and I know you have it!), you’ll be at his whim.

At the very least don’t initiate any contact with him. If he tries to reach you, be strong and say “sorry, it’s over.”

janbb's avatar

Talk to him about it. A fight won’t be worse than the uncertainty you’re in now. It looks like it’s over but why not be certain?

creative1's avatar

You need to just let him go too, he has already done so to you by putting you on a break. Break = Break up Don’t be the back up girlfriend, you deserve to be the leading lady in your relationship. I am sure there are many who have been waiting for this to end so to ask someone nice like you out. Time to change your status to single again.

Kardamom's avatar

Oh Dear, I’m afraid that this is one of those situations in which your boyrfriend has kind of already broken up with you, but he just doesn’t have the maturity to actually tell you. That happened to me when I was a little bit older than you. I was dating this fellow for about 2 years, and everything seemed fine, until one day he showed up with an acquaintence of mine holding hands. That was the last time I ever saw him. He never told me that he was dumping me or that he was interested in this other girl (who knew we were together, but didn’t care if she was hurting me. Note: she also ended up running off with another friend’s husband a little bit later on). Oh, and he never apologized to me either. I literally never saw him again, even though he was friends with some of my friends. Ouch!

Your boyfriend has told you that you guys are “on a break” which is a code term for him wanting to date other people. He doesn’t want to tell you that he’s interested in other people, because he doesn’t want you to get mad or hurt, because then he would have to be held accountable for his actions. If he just tells you that you are on a break, then you’re kind of put in the awkward position of not having a boyfriend and can’t technically hold him accountable (even though that kind of business is really shady and underhanded and mean).

Your boyfriend may have had only negative things to say about his ex-girlfriend, but that makes perfect sense. No current boyfriend is going to tell you how fabulous his ex was and how much he still loves her and how he wants to get back with her.

It’s pretty clear that he wants to get back with her or he wouldn’t be talking to her (If she’s so awful like he’s claiming to you) and she (who probably thinks that he broke up with you, or never knew about you in the first place) wouldn’t be putting lovey-dovey messages on her account, if she wasn’t trying to entice him.

Your now ex-boyfriend may never tell you the whole truth about this situation, but you should try to see clearly what he is doing and not let your love for him let you believe his lies. Guys love it, when young ladies will believe anything that they tell them, especially when it keeps them quiet and in their good graces, even when they don’t deserve it.

This is an age when you are going to find out all kinds of horrible truths about how immature young men operate. Your strength will come from learning how to spot the red flags, immediately, and how to find a place within your own head and heart that can help you escape a bad situation with your dignity intact. This will be hard, but you can do it. Don’t let yourself remain in a sketchy situation, ever, no matter how much you think you love this guy. And don’t rely on The Beatle’s old song “All You Need is Love” because it’s not true. You also need respect and common decency and honesty and communication skills and commonality of ideals.

You should get on the phone with this guy and say something like this, “Matt, you know I love you, but I’m not sure exactly how you feel about me. And at this point in time, it doesn’t even really matter. Because you’ve decided for us both that we are “on a break” and you seem to be acting in a manner which is not conducive to us ever being a real couple. It’s clear to me that you have unfinished business with Ashley and you need to figure out that situation and it’s too painful for me to be in the middle of it, or have to witness any of it. In the meantime, I’m going to consider us to be broken up, because that is what we actually are, broken up. I just have to hope that you won’t speak badly of me, like you did to me, about Ashley. That would really hurt me. I can’t say how things will end up in the future, but until you get yourself together and decide what you want from life, we can’t be together, not even in September. If we end up getting back together sometime in the future, there’s going to have to be some changes. I expect nothing less than honesty and respect from a boyfriend, which is what I have given you, and I never, ever want to be the third wheel in someone else’s relationship, which is the position that you’ve put me into. So for now, I’m just going to move forward with my life and see where that takes me. I’m free and so are you.”

Then, muster up all the strength that you have to not allow yourself to be dragged back into this situation. Resist the urge to contact him, or check out “Ashley’s” information. Then actively do something else. Anything else to make sure that you are too busy to pay any attention to this mess. Call up your friends and relatives and say that @minniemau5 is feeling a little bit wounded, but she would like to start living and she’d like to start by doing stuff with all of you! What do you like to do? I’ve said this before, to other folks going through hard times, but make a list (today) of 100 activities that you would like to try or already know that you love, then do a little bit of research as to how and where you can start doing some of these things, then make some plans with your friends and relatives and start doing them. You might meet someone new who shares your interests and enthusiasm. But if you don’t, at least you will be having a great time with people that actually matter. Good luck to you : )

P.S. Do not let this situation color your world with regards to any and all other potential relationships that might come your way (I kind of did that, and I highly regret it. It gave that douchey guy way too much power in my life, even long after he was gone). There are plenty of great guys out there (and here on Fluther too, that can give you excellent, useful advice from a male perspective) you just have to learn how to spot them, and you need to learn how to identify the crappy ones and tell them to shoo!

Seaofclouds's avatar

First off, as much as it hurts, you need to realize that he is not your boyfriend right now. He was your boyfriend, but the second he said he wanted a break, he was telling you he wasn’t going to be your boyfriend anymore. He wanted to break up for summer so he could go do whatever he wanted without any responsibility to you. He’s doing that now and you are just sitting by and watching it, instead of enjoying your own summer.

Go our and invest all that time you are spending watching what he is doing and checking his ex’s page in something that you will enjoy. Go out and have fun. Who knows, you just might meet someone else that is worth your time and energy.

When this guy comes back to school, you will have to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone that can so easily go on a “break” or not. Right now, he is enjoying himself and he knows when he comes back, you’ll be there waiting for him. He is probably distant and not wanting to talk to you because he wants to be out doing other things. Perhaps his behavior toward you is an indicator about how he really feels. Perhaps he is being cold and distant as a way of trying to get you to leave him alone so he can enjoy the rest of his summer without you.

I’m not trying to be mean, but it seems like all the answers are really there, you just don’t want to see them. Open your eyes and realize what this guy is really doing to you. Is this really what you want in/from a boyfriend?

minniemau5's avatar

Thanks for all the wonderful answers so far. I know you are all right, and I do realize that I deserve better. It’s like I keep lingering on all the good stuff… I don’t know. I keep thinking about back in May, even after he called on the Break, he told me I was everything to him. Things like that. There were some really good points to this relationship. And I don’t think I’ll ever get it again. I mean, I’m 18 years old and this is only my first boyfriend ever. This was the first time I ever let someone in… and he’s destroyed me.

creative1's avatar

@minniemau5 We all relive the good times of the relationship and don’t want it to end especially when its is ending. Its so hard to move forward when you don’t know why it happened but sometimes if you just put that first foot forward and each day will get easier. Believe it or not it may take most of your thoughts in a day but soon you will go a few hours without thinking about it, and before you know it you will go a whole day without thinking about him. Each new day you have decided to move forward it, you will heal and get better and you will think about it less and less to where you will go longer and longer periods without thinking of him.

dabbler's avatar

He’s afraid to say it.

He probably meant all those sweet and beautiful things he said to you. But feelings are feelings and they change. He is obviously too unexperienced to get how useful it is to be honest to himself and you about whatever has changed.

You’re not destroyed. The pain is real, but you will get beyond it and get into other relationships and look back fondly on your first. Be kind to yourself, it’s not your fault.

janbb's avatar

You will get someone again and it will always hurt when you break up, but eventually someone will be a keeper.

Kardamom's avatar

@minniemau5 You are only 18. That is correct, so you have about 80 or so good years ahead of you. Why on earth, in this world where people have multiple partners over years and years and years, would you think that you wouldn’t have anything good again? You definitely won’t if you stay swamped in that kind of mind set.

Decent people tend to like people that like them back and want to be with them, that are generally happy and generally mentally fit. People (guys and girls alike) tend not to like to get together with sad sacks or people that are dispalying all of their ugly baggage and pining away for other people. They also don’t like people who continually compare them to the ex, or say things like “My ex used to do so and so.” So if you engage in any of this kind of talk with a decent potentially new guy, then yes, you probably won’t get anything good. If you find a new fellow that you are interested in, go slow, and do let him know that you have been hurt in the past (and give a few discreet details without going into the whole ugly story and don’t dwell on it. You need to be honest, but you should never give a potential new suitor a blow by blow account of how your last relationship blew up in your face, but you can tell them that you are a little war-weary).

You need to learn to be able to compartmentalize certain things. It’s perfectly fine for you to remember the good times that you had (or thought you had) with your ex. Put those lovely thoughts into a little heart shaped box in the back of your brain and know that there will probably be some more heart shaped boxes that will get put onto that same little shelf in the future. Have another box, labeled: “Crap Sandwiches”, in which you keep your memories of what any douchey people ever do to you and put those thoughts onto another shelf. Put the Crap Sandwich box closer to the front, you may have to periodically look in there to remind yourself why you aren’t with man X, Y or Z any more. Unfortunately, you often do have to kiss some frogs. Just don’t look for a Prince, William is taken and some of the frogs are pretty terrific, once you get to know them. Just don’t ever settle for a snake!

And please, Please PLEASE never allow yourself to say to us or your own self that you just aren’t strong enough to “let go” of someone who is doing your wrong. You have to learn (either by experiencing some pain, or by having someone teach you, before you get punched in the proverbial stomach) to stand up for yourself, do what is right and to be able to move forth. Anything short of that and you will sink your own ship.

You would never allow a good friend to stick with someone who was wronging them! You would put up a stink and try to convince them to break free. This time you are the friend. Don’t let yourself stay caught up in this bad situation. Move forward. We’re all here to help you, so you can’t say that you have no friends or anyone to help you, because that would be silly. Right now, you should be on at least number 16 of the list I told you to make. That is just the first step of many steps that you will have to take to move forward from this guy and to learn how to do it. It is a learning process, not a very fun one, but when you learn how to take care of yourself with regards to how other people treat you, you will become immensely powerful.

Kardamom's avatar

Here’s another proverb that a good friend told me to help me get over a boy (no offence to any of you great guys out there)

Guys Stink and Their Stink Stinks!

Go with this for a few weeks and you’ll start to feel better, especially when you laugh at how silly this statement sounds, but how true it often is. : )

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

You need to give up on him is what you need to do.

AshLeigh's avatar

Nothing good ever came from Twitter…
It sounds to me like it’s already over. Best way to find out is to ask him.

Kardamom's avatar

@AshLeigh I did not mean to implicate you in this unfortunate situation. I always make up names when I’m writing out a dialogue for someone. I just pulled Ashley (different spelling) out of a hat. I hope you will forgive me : )

And I apologize to any of the Matts (@Mattbrowne is the only one I can think of right now) on Fluther too

You guys need to give me some suggestions for male and female names to use in my “dialogues.”

ejedlicka's avatar


I want you to get an opinion from someone your age, I am 19 and I understand how difficult it is to lose a boy that you thought was your everything. But from my experience I strongly suggest that you move forward and don’t look back. Boys at this age don’t fully understand the implications of their actions and treat us like what my mom says as chewing gum. They chew you for a bit and then they spit you right back out and move on to a new and different type of gum. There are few times in life when your high school sweetheart with stay with you and only you. I know this – I was left for the opportunities of a frat life at a big college.

I strongly suggest that you look forward and don’t even take a peek back to see what you’re missing, because chances are you aren’t missing a thing – and if you are too busy looking backward you may be missing one hell of an opportunity right in front of you.

You deserve the best and the man that is meant for you is out there, experiencing heartbreak that may or may not be similar to yours but that will make him more of a man that this boy will ever be for you in the future.

So smile and recognize that him backing out now frees you up for a pretty bright future!

josie's avatar

He’s a loser.
Dump him.

AshLeigh's avatar

Oh, I didn’t assume that. :)

Buttonstc's avatar

I have just one brief point to add to what’s already been said.

Let’s just clear up the confusion in your mind about why he doesn’t just tell you the truth straight up instead of keeping you still dangling.

Two main reasons I can think of. Ego: it feeds his enormous ego to know you’re still pining for him and desiring him. Why would he want to eliminate that?

And secondly: you never know when a booty-call will come in handy. No sense burning that bridge prematurely.

He’s a selfish egotistical jerk with zero regard for your feelings. Better you discover that flaw in his character now before you end up raising any children fathered by him.

ram201pa's avatar

@Buttonstc ———-> AMEN.

Amazebyu's avatar

You are very young and this is your first relationship. So when a guy wants a break most of the time is because he is not sure he wants to be with you anymore. in another words he is no longer interested, and the more you cling to him the more unattractive you’ll be to him.

Guys are not always direct. If he is not letting you go or agreeing with you when you confront him, it might be because he doesn’t want to hurt you by breaking up with you and is waiting for you to dump him.. This happens often. You are very young and shouldn’t have to be competing with his ex. Good luck!

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