General Question

Jude's avatar

I am in a great relationship and love my partner to bits (she feels the same); why do I still get scared?

Asked by Jude (32167points) June 20th, 2011
30 responses
“Great Question” (3points)

I have invested a ton emotionally. Does this fear ever go away?

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bob_'s avatar

Fears don’t have to be rational.

JLeslie's avatar

It comes and goes. For the most part I feel secure and not afraid at all. Sometimes, when going through a rough patch, it gets a little scary that things can fall apart. The fear of losing someone you love is scary, no doubt about it, but I don’t tend to dwell on such things. Mostly I feel like I will be with my husband forever, he is family at this point not someone I date, or live with, or even married, it is more than that.

Do you think the feeling would go away for you of you were married?

Jude's avatar

@bob_ Good point.

Aethelwine's avatar

You don’t want to lose the one you love. It happens to everyone.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

Like @bob_ said, fear isn’t really rational (and that’s ok). But even if you guys last till death, eventually one of you will die, so there’s a built-in loss factor.

tinyfaery's avatar

Maybe you should get married.

After a few years, and lots of ups and downs, you either become more or less confident in the relationship. I feel very strongly that my wife and I will be together until the end. I know because we’ve already seen our share of heaven and hell, and we are still together.

Response moderated (Off-Topic)
Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

I think @tinyfaery has a good point. But the fear is an on and off thing. I have the same issue, but it shows you love them and you don’t wanna lose them like what @jonsblond said. But I wish you luck in the relationship. It’s good to me that you feel this way. I could relate to ya!

Aethelwine's avatar

If you do get married and allieviate your fears @Jude (as @tinyfaery suggests, I’d love to be your flower girl.)

@Jude would appreciate that comment, can’t believe it was removed.

Plucky's avatar

I agree with everyone.

My partner and I have a very good relationship. We’ve been together for 10 years. I was quite insecure for the first few years but I grew out of that. I still get worried on the odd occasion. It’s not something she does or doesn’t do’s just a fear of losing the most important person in my life. We are part of eachother. It’s natural to occasionally fear losing that deep connection/bond. As long as it’s not something you dwell on, you’ll be fine.

Bellatrix's avatar

No matter how fantastic a relationship is, there are always ups and downs. Times when one party feels less secure than the other or when the power relationship changes and one person is more in love than the other. This is perfectly normal and I would say if you were both going along and never wondering whether things are okay and will last, you would be taking your partner and your relationship for granted. So, as long as you use those fears productively and positively to help you reflect on what is working and to help you improve things, all good. The danger is if you allow those fears to lead to insecure behaviour and start to become possessive or needy. As long as you keep the feelings rational and in check, all good.

CaptainHarley's avatar

I am hopefully beyond all that now, with the storms and struggles of youth far behind me. My wife and I are very secure in our relationship, and often tease each other about talking online with people of the opposite sex. : ))

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

That’s life. You’ve got something good, so you know how much it means to you and it’s normal to worry about losing it. Just don’t over think it.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

You have to dig deeper. You can love a person but that doesn’t mean you’re in love with them or that they’re truly the one for you. @bob_ is right, fear isn’t always rational but sometimes it’s your body and soul’s way of subconsciously pushing you in the right direction for you. Just because you invested a ton emotionally doesn’t mean you have to continue to do so or that you are going to live out the rest of your lives as a couple. Nothing has been wasted, everything has a place.

seekingwolf's avatar

If you look at my questions, I asked a similar question.

I feel very secure with my boyfriend now and I don’t feel worried anymore. I am committed to him and I work to fill his needs and wants and he does the same for me. Nothing big (bad) has come up but we handle things well and talk to each other. That’s important.

Jude's avatar

Thanks for your responses.

Jude's avatar

We do plan on getting married someday. @jonsblond, you can definitely be our flower girl. :)

atlantis's avatar

I agree with @bob_ . Fear is the oldest emotion the human race, or the ones that came before us, had to deal with.

wundayatta's avatar

Probably because of some issues you have about trust and loyalty. I tend to be pretty afraid my SO will leave me at any moment simply because I’m not good enough. I mean, I wouldn’t stay with me if I didn’t have to.

Jude's avatar

@wundayatta I know that I’m good enough. :)

I fear losing something so special, I think.

tinyfaery's avatar

I used to get that feeling. I would look at my wife and instead of thinking about how lucky I was and how much I loved her, I thought about how horrible it would be to lose her. The thought used to make me cry and truly fear for the loss.

I think I was holding on too tight. Instead of enjoying what I had at the moment, I was living in some imaginary future.

Time and a conscious effort to live in the now has taken away that fear.

Jude's avatar

We are also getting to the point to where we want to live together. Being apart from each other sucks (keeps on getting harder and harder). Both of us agree on that.

That is something that we’re working towards.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

What @bob_ wrote and because as we grow and learn each other, there will always be something new thrown into the mix to keep us on our toes. Some people call this passion, some people call it drama and other people call it being alive.

Ajulutsikael's avatar

I’m going through this currently. I love my partner so much and he loves me, but every time we are apart I freak out. It’s not that I don’t trust him, I do, it’s just I start getting worried that something can happen. He isn’t used to dating and we’ve been dating for a long time, so it’s still a new experience for him. He loves to be alone a lot and this is foreign to me. I used to be distant with exes and give them there space, but I ended up being cheated on so this anxiety has stayed with me.
I feel like I have to be there constantly to keep an eye on him. This is all because of my insecurities and I do feel bad for him when I bring them up to him seeing as he gets real hurt because he thinks I don’t trust him.

Magdalene's avatar

Its simple! You love the girl so much that the fear of loosing her makes you feel depressed. It happens a lot with those who love someone truly! Just try and maintain a good relation with your love and everything would work just fine: )

atlantis's avatar

@Ajulutsikael I know how your partner feels. I’m the same. Just don’t worry too much. It’s new to him and that means he’s best off if he takes it at his own pace. Don’t let your past dictate your future. Spend quality time to get to know one another and you’ll be set for life!

Ajulutsikael's avatar

@atlantis Thank you. We went from a long distance relationship, to moving in, back to a long distance relationship because I had to move back to the east coast. For some odd reason I have no problem when he’s at home in the west coast, but when he visits his family (which is closer to me) I freak out. I had a long talk with myself about this yesterday since I have to deal with a long period where we don’t talk to each other.

atlantis's avatar

@Ajulutsikael Distance can make the heart grow colder instead of fonder. Maybe if you plan the time you guys spent together it might help in making you less aware. Just don’t give up and let that cold feeling get to you. Because if you can make it work long-distance then it’s gotta be meant to be!

seekingwolf's avatar

Long distance kinda sucks. My boyfriend and I are long distance when I go back to college in another state. We get to see each other about once a month though plus my breaks so it’s not that bad.

Oddly enough, we’ve never had any problems when we’ve been LD. I think the key is to not be in CONSTANT contact but definitely have enough contact during the day. I usually text him some during the day, and we send each other pictures via MMS. Then we talk at night and watch a movie online.

Ajulutsikael's avatar

@atlantis Reminds me of some lyrics from a song I like, “They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or is it out of sight out of mind I wonder?”

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