Michele Bachman has a shot, however remote, at being elected President of the United States.

No.No,I can’t…but I can jump out of your closet when you come home late at night. XD

This little girl used to play with Doris all the time, her little doll. I later found out that Doris was made of recycled dog ligaments.

@bob_ lol, I knew that either she or Sarah Palin would turn up at some point during the course of this question.

@lucillelucillelucille I would be ok with that.

@erichw1504 oh fuck.

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard I’ll be the one in the “ragin’ red” bathrobe! XD

@lucillelucillelucille like I said, I’m okay with this!

“The violinist was practising the scary bits for Scream 37 when suddenly the shower curtain fell from its rod.”

@rebbel nice one.

Alice got up from the bed grumbling to look out the window at the branch her father was to trim that keeps her awake. This time it was not the branch, it was her father’s heels as he hung impaled from a large nail on the eves.

@Hypocrisy_Central there ya go! Well done!

It was one of those dreams one has only once in one’s life.
The one she would awaken from, had she only known that the sound she heard wasn’t part of it.

So you’re with your honey and you’re making out when the phone rings. You answer it and the voice says “What are you doing with my daughter?!” but when you tell your girl, she says “My dad is dead.”

THEN WHO WAS PHONE?!

Sorry. Serious answer coming up.

@Mariah The father? The mother always scares me most!

It was a morning like any other, but as I sleepily brushed my teeth I noticed that the reflection in the mirror wasn’t mine.

“You have 249 new voice messages; you have 0 saved voice messages; first voice message:
“Help me help me oh god somebody please hel-”
“Second voice message…”

When I was younger, I was playing hide and seek with my friends. Looking for Alice in the woods for hours, I found her half eaten but an unknown creature.

“I’m late.”

“Congratulations! It’s a… it’s a… oh, FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU”

@whitenoise Oh! I like that. Subtle, yet effective!

@Mariah I’m so happy that you mentioned that. Also, your serious submission is rather good too! But John, you are the zombies!

@flutherother good one.

@erichw1504 yikes. (Also, lol)

@bob_ you win.

After a good nights sleep, I woke up…

…in a sea of blood.

@erichw1504 *<insert misogynistic joke about periods here.>

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard Hah, I see what you did there. But the story was about a guy!!! :O

“Fiddle, you’re fired,” said my now-former boss. “And by the way, the police are waiting to talk to you in my office.”

@WasCy I’m actually surprised this hasn’t happened to me.

Do you believe in ghosts? No? That white hand on your shoulder… I’m just imagining it.

I sat in the dark there, at the top of the cellar stairs, my back the only brace on the door. The screaming stopped in the room above hours ago, now there is silence and occasional abrupt hysterical laughter.

He thought carefully about what to say. He pressed “Answer!”, but it was written all wrong!

I woke from a restful night’s sleep, poured a cup of fresh-brewed coffee and smiled to myself as I went to answer the knock at my door.
It was an IRS auditor.

@Your_Majesty nice, I’ve heard that one before.
@Imadethisupwithnoforethought creeeppyyyy
@rOs Nice, I like it.
@Blueroses uh oh….

Here’s two more:

The power went out and I sat alone in the darkness of my room. As I reached for my flashlight, someone handed it to me.

Mom called me to come upstairs. I was about to go up when I realized I had just watched her leave for work.

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard best question I have seen on Fluther so far.

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought haha, thanks! You must be new here.

It was the fourth night in the new house and as I drifted off with the fresh mountain breeze stirring the curtains at the open window, I marveled again at my luck in getting this haven for such a great price.
I woke suddenly to a rifle barrel pushed against my jaw and a harsh voice demanding, “Where’s the stuff, maggot?”

@Blueroses that’s a good one!

The job title, “Community Manager”, had been the product of Ben Finkel’s twisted sense of irony. It was an irony not lost on the trolls and spammers whose vacant glass eyes now stared from the row of heads mounted on Auggie’s office wall.

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard True story, actually. It happened to my friend who didn’t realize the cabin’s previous owner was a drug-runner. ;/

Shit! The neighbor’s dogs are back!!

Seriously..the second time they showed up I felt like I was in a Stephen King nightmare when I saw them.

I am from the Government. I am here to help you.

@thorninmud hahahahahahahaha, oh God, I hope she reads that!

@Blueroses holy shit… that’s insane.

@Dutchess_III those dogs are giving you a lot of trouble, aren’t they?

@WestRiverrat haha, nice.

Those are great you guys!

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard Yeah, I am. I sit on the deck and wonder if they’re going to show up.

“Two slavering, snarling dogs baring their teeth and with their hackles up slowly approached me. I was defenseless and alone.”

After years of spending all my money on lawyers to get a divorce, we went to trial. The judge said “no divorce.”

As I was about to flush the toilet after dropping the kids off at the pool, a loud growl rumbled from the porcelain throne.
“YOU FORGOT TO WIPE, YOU NASTY FUCK”.

At 10 o’ clock at night, the med student in the anatomy lab, going over his notes on his dissection, gradually realized he smelled a much stronger formaldehyde odor than usual. He found himself facing his cadaver, now sitting up in the tank, dripping the odorous goo from his arms, fingers and nose and moaning . . . .

@zenvelo now that’s a real nightmare.
@Michael_Huntington I lol’d hard.
@Sunny2 yikes.

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard Danke sehr!

A dreaded fear suddenly overwhelmed him as he caught a distinct aroma of rotting flesh.
Yes, the wife had gone & burnt another roast to a charred shell.

@ucme haha, well played.

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard I was toying with the idea of driving along a deserted road at night & ghostly visions, but home truths seem so much more terrifying.

With the help of counselling my daughter eventually outgrew her ‘imaginary friend’. But at her birthday party I kept counting 10 guests when we had only invited 9.

@flutherother that’s probably among my favorites out of this whole thread, actually. I like the subtlety.

@flutherother Those pesky kids always bringing uninvited guests along…

Damn gate crashin’ ghosts!

Just as the assassin saw the red dot of his laser equipped sniper rifle appear on his victim’s forehead he became aware that he received a likewise red light through his rifle’s scope.

@rebbel I dig it.

The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Off a cliff.

I lol’d.

I lay there and wept bitterly, mourning the loss of everything I had ever known. For the second time, I awoke this morning inside my own coffin.

The man with the knife stared at me with a cruel smile as he slowly approached. “Perfect,” he crooned, “So perfect,” and with a low hollow chuckle he muttered with a mix of glee and hate, ”too perfect.”

The motorcyclist lay on the side of the road, a blanket pulled up around his chin, he was conscious and talking which defied the bloody pile of intestines splatterd across the center line.

My heart pounded and my brain could make no sense of this horrific vision, until, the return trip from the campground store, when I saw the disemboweled deer in the ditch on the other side of the road.

true story

I was making scrambled eggs the other day when my girlfriend for nine months told me that she has some ‘good news’. “I’m pregnant!”

@Michael_Huntington FALCON PUNCH!!!!!!

One night as I lay half-asleep in bed, I felt something hot and heavy pressing against my chest. Thinking that the lovely Succubus was out to seduce me, I opened my eyes with anticipation, but was horrified to see a naked Rosie O’ Donnell sitting on me instead!!!

@unused_bagels very nice, I like it!

@King_Pariah that reminds me of Human Centipede for some reason.

@Coloma oh god :-(

@Michael_Huntington lolololololol

@MRSHINYSHOES now that’s just obscene.

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard “And before I was fully awake, I imagined a gorgeous young Succubus about to suck the life out of me, when I realized that it was Rosie O’Donnell sucking on popsicle instead”.

In puppy dog pajamas, Melanie laid in bed, her six year old ears listening to the creaking coming from the window next to her as one leg emerged through the crack that had appeared, then another leg and soon a tall man clad completely in black, his face obscure, stood directly over her, his hands reaching for the satin edge of her blanket. She screamed, deep and long.

@linguaphile freaking gnarly.

When Freckles boarded his time machine in Battery Park standing right next to the Eternal Flame, he hadn’t thought of bringing a diving-suit.

Upon arrival the water pressure almost squashed his head as he was gasping for air and inhaling a lungful of water, yet he made it to the surface where he stared at a steel-reinforced copper hand holding a torch.

“Just a routine exam, young man,” said the doctor as he turned the patient around and put a glove on his right hand. “Bend over and… uh oh, what’s this?”

Despite what fools had said time travel is possible and I intended visiting the future so I could return to make my fortune. I pulled the lever which accelerated me into the future and it broke off in my hand.

@mattbrowne that is AWESOME. Congratulations.

@WasCy oh god….

@flutherother oh shit, that would suck. But I guess it wouldn’t be hard to replace in the future, assuming the future is technologically advanced and not a wasteland.

@Coloma…What was the cyclist doing lying on the side of the road??? The weirdest animal shit happens to you, you know???? ZZZZ zzzzz ZZZZ zzzz Quack. Spray. Splat

@Dutchess_III

LOL He hit a deer on his motorcycle and it was somehow disemboweled.
It was so freaky, the guy’s chattering away and there is this giant pile of guts in the road.
He must have just broke a leg or something, obviously one would not be talking if they just ‘spilled their guts’. haha Messed with my mind bigtime for about 20 minutes til I saw the dead deer on the way back. :-/

I am going home. There is more than enough skin there to clothe me in darkness.

@Ladymia69 Wait, are you saying you’re naked? Hawt.

Yes, @bob_…I am naked and I am Ed Gein. LOL

D:

@Ladymia69 very well done! I like it!

It has been seven months of John eating all of his friends in order to survive. Today he is all but alone and favoring his right leg, he then applies the torniquet to the left.

@mazingerz88 did you write that?

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard Yes. Bit hungry when I did. : )

“Oooh”, the woman exclaimed her foot coming down on a soft and warm object on the floor in the semi-darkness of the early morning.
” I don’t remember a cat toy that looks like this”, oh SHIT…as her eyes adjusted the face of the mangled Gopher smirked at her, it’s beady eyes staring, her coffee cup crashed to the ground as reality slammed into her not fully awake brain like a bullet.

Todays true story I don’t need to make stuff up, my life is a Farside cartoon.

@mazingerz88 very, very well done.

@Coloma you need to start illustrating your life.

I woke up this morning. My skin was missing.

I woke up, got out of bed and switched on the light but nothing happened. Then I woke properly, got out of bed and switched on the light but nothing happened.

I was driving down the road, when all of the sudden I got t-boned. Next I know, I wake up in a hospital, but everybody is dead…

With his gut too painful and quibbling heavily, Det. Stone wakes up from his own blood-soaked carpet, gets to his feet, gun firing to shoot the surgeon serial killer, Dr. Fiddle, who have long disappeared in the dark. But where is his cat, Johnny?

I was feeling giddy, excited, proud and elated as I heard the words “You may now kiss the bride.” As I began to raise her veil to carry out that pleasurable operation she hissed at me sotto voce, “Don’t you fucking dare.”

I woke up to a constant slamming on my front door. When I opened it, not a thing was there and all was quite in the neighborhood…

@flutherother that’s actually happened to me before.

@erichw1504 damn dude, you’re on a roll.

@mazingerz88 ok, I lol’d. Especially at Dr. Fiddle.

@WasCy that’s actually really unsettling for some reason.

It was so dark she couldn’t see a thing, but she kept going, brushing aside twigs and leaves in her path with her hands. She felt like the big brave girl her daddy wanted her to be . . . until she felt an ice-cold bony hand on her neck. . . .

Good job!

He whimpers. She slices.

The train was crowded enough without someone bringing on a huge rucksack. As I looked at the taut straps and bulging fabric he turned his sweating face to me and I saw his strange dead eyes and knew.

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard It must have been a disorienting and scary experience. I have read about this happening.

She looked down twenty stories at the mess that was once her father.

“Come on sweet heart, let’s go join daddy in a better place,” whispered her mother.

I opened the paper to see the 2012 election results. Say hello to President Glenn Beck.

@WestRiverrat AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@mazingerz88 you win the prize for succinctness.

@flutherother I tripped balls, to say the least.

@King_Pariah ok… you win. Something about that just really clicked with me for some reason. Excellent work.

@WestRiverrat oh lawd….

Fred walking home from his grand mother’s house see some boys playing soccer in a near by field. He sees something come over the hedge, which he believes is the ball and goes to kick it back over only to discover it is the severed head of one of the players

@WestRiverrat 911 is on the way to pick me up and I just flagged that post of yours. Even Fluther has standards you know. Lol.

@Hypocrisy_Central that was pretty good!

I woke up this morning to what I thought was one of the brightest sunny days of Summer. I opened the drapes to find a huge glowing fireball, twice the size of the sun in the sky; it was a meteor.

The large red rake scraped the freshly mown hillside, tall grass concealing a deadly surprise.
With a swish of the rake a huge 5 foot Pacific Diamondback rattler was rousted from his crevice in the gully, flinging himself backwards into a coil of fury, the woman threw the rake and ran as the sounds of the snakes 12 rattles pierced the silence of the morning.

True tale # 64

At work I came down with a massive headache. One of my co-workers pointed out to me that there was something funky on my forehead, by the time I got to the bathroom to look in the mirror a huge bulging tumor-like thing had grown bigger than the size of a baseball.

@erichw1504 Your skin was missing? That was me.

“Whew!,” she said. “That was a weird dream.” She climbed out of bed and fell as she slipped in what seemed to be a small pool of a viscous liquid.

I was hopelessly lost in the night time forests of a foreign country. I stumbled on aimlessly hour after hour until suddenly dropping into a pool of warm water I realised with horror I had fallen into @Coloma’s hot tub!

@flutherother shudders

Hahaha….and the weregoose came swimming by, slowly, slowly, his orange feet paddling towards you. His evil beady blue eyes gleaming as he circles, waiting for the just the right moment to goose you. lol

Gwen and Simon were late getting back to camp and decided to take a shortcut through the creek. Gwen stepped on what she thought was a big stone and fell into the water, only to discovered it was an aged skull.

This morning I was happily fluthering along when all of the sudden the site went down! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

So, I was not dreaming…..IT did really happen.

This is the police. You are under arrest.