Yeah.
After my first wife left, I was more than willing to recite (for anyone willing to listen) a list of “she done me wrong” grievances.
It kinda clicked for me one day that I did more harm to myself (through negative, hateful thinking) than anything I imagined she did to me.
Whatever she did, she did was over and done with, but my constant revisits were more damaging to me emotionally than the actual occurrence.
An old zen story illustrates this perfectly.
Two monks were traveling when they happened upon a woman having difficulty crossing a stream. These monks had taken a vow to have nothing to do with women, so one of the monks was rather taken aback when his fellow monk picked up the woman and carried her across the stream.
This monk was truly offended. He ranted and raved at the other monk the next few miles for having the audacity of touching a woman. Eventually, the monk who had assisted the woman across the stream turned to his fellow monk and quietly said,
“My brother…I left the woman several miles back. Why are you still carrying her?”
(Click to read an excellent version of the monk story.)
_