As I’ve grown up I’ve almost always tended to think that the me five years ago was an obnoxious, insecure little shit. Whether I actually was or not was up to the people I hung out with, I guess.
I’m old so I already dislike what I was. I will probably feel the same in another ten years. I fuck-up, everyone does. But I am proud of myself for learning from my mistakes and hopefully not repeating them.
As I lay there, various tubes, monitors, and pumps keeping my destroyed internal organs working, I will probably think that I was quite the selfish, self-centered dick for not doing anything about what future damage my excessive vices would cause.
I can also see a bit of bitter fondness. For all my faults, I still possess a certain vulgarian charm. I am quite a scallywag, now.
I think I’ll refrain from passing judgement on my current self for this particular time period because, once out of my current situation, I’ll never understand the emotions I’ve been having lately ever again.
We always have respect for what came before, for our parents and their parents and similarly for ourselves when young as these are our roots and tell us what we are. This is how I feel today and how I will feel tomorrow.