I’ve constantly been Little Miss Helpful and Giving, and have felt guilty about reaching out when I need help. I’ve never wanted to be a user of people. Then I realized in therapy that taking the following in for 15 years from age 5 on didn’t help:
“You’re bothering people. Why are you bothering people with that junk?”
“Everyone’s trying to do for themselves. No one’s got time to teach your stupid butt about this.”
“If you can’t figure out how to do it yourself and DO IT, then you’re just being selfish and lazy.”
After all that, in my child’s mind, it was just easier to hide my imperfections than get help. Apparently, I was supposed to be perfect and not have any needs or require any help or instruction whatsoever. How I was supposed to know everything about how the world works by age 10, I have no idea. And if a flaw or two did peep out, a few whacks with an extension cord would take care of that, right? Then there was the whole issue of what constituted a “flaw” and what constituted “someone’s way of thinking is crazy”. But at that age, I just believed everything that my caretaker said, whether it was true or not. A lot of things she told me that were flaws in her eyes either wasn’t true, her projections of her own flaws or simply weren’t flaws!
Imagine my shock as an adult when I learned that thoughtful, honest criticism didn’t mean that a beating or a hours-long “lecture” punctuated by screaming was imminent, it didn’t mean I would be ostracized or that someone hated me to my core. I have to relearn this all the time, and I struggle to not get upset when people are telling me what I need to hear. So I force myself to ask now. I have to learn how to take things like an adult, even if my inner child’s ego is terrified to discover that I’m not perfect. I have to keep reminding her that no one’s going to hurt us now for not being perfect.
I also sort out the difference between what’s a true observation on something I could improve on (I’ll feel uncomfortable) and what’s someone playing out their issues through their advice to me (it feels “off”).