I had a conversation with friends the other day and hitting children came up. Everyone at the table was hit or whipped with a switch as a child as common practice, except my husband and me. One woman said she was hit with a stick or belt probably 3 times a week (like that one study I had read) she called it getting a spanking, until I thought to ask, “what is a spanking?” which I never would have thought to ask if not for the recent Q’s here.
Another spoke of being hit way up through being a teenager. I didn’t get the impression any of them felt they were abused, they just thought it was normal. They all also said they were brought up in households that were children should be seen not heard. My husband and I stated that we always include the children in the family in on conversation at the dinner table and during family get togethers. When I asked don’t you think including children in conversation helps them learn about the world, and how their family perceives the world, one guy said, that he raised his children differently than his parents raised him. Meaning his children participated more in family discussion. I had the distinct feeling all of these friends of ours at minimum accepted their own corporal punishment when they were children as something that was simply done back then. And, I also had the impression they all thought it was still acceptable in some circumstances still, would use it, or did use it on their own children.
I also raised how it changes behavior out of fear of punishment, but I want my kids to have good behavior because of internal reasons, conscience, wanting to help others and be a good person. It just triggers thoughts of religion to me. Not so much the passages in the bible that seem to encourage corporal punishment, but the idea of controlling oneself for fear of punishment. The lack of trust or belief that people will do good for goods sake. I certainly don’t feel all religious people think this way. None of my Catholic friends, who are quite religious, are walking around damning everyone and accusing people of being sinners, but certainly their are religious people out there very focused on people needing a threat of punisment to do the right thing.
My husband brought up one time his father was very angry with him, very dissappointed, and just the feeling of dissappointing him was enough to never do what he did again. You know, before I martried my husband I asked him about abortion, knew he believed in paying for a college education for his children, and believed him to be a man of integrity. These were things that I thought about when thinking about a possible pregnancies and a father to my future children, I never thought to ask about punishment styles. I realized after that conversation (I had never discussed corporal punishment with him before in the 20 years I’ve known him) how happy I was to know his attitudes were similar to mine. And, that this is something people should discuss before getting married.