As I raised the drink to

my lips, I felt a strange

sensation by my foot. I quickly

looked down and to my horror

realized my greatest fear was about

to hit me like an elephant.

I moved my foot and got

a hernia in my left ear

as I kicked the whiskey bottle

“Ow!” I thought, “This really sucks.”

Suddenly, my iphone rang. It was

my mother. I thought she was

in the Carribean. I was shocked

she was speaking to me again.

She told me that I

should keep whiskey on the table.

“I’m an alcoholic,” I replied, sheepishly.

“I always keep my whiskey nearby”.

“Floor, table, bathtub, it’s all good.”

“That’s why I disinherited you,” she

slurred through her whiskey breath before

she told me the news about

her recently misplaced breath mints that

she always kept nearby in case

someone showed up at the door

with home breathalyzer kits equipped with

Whiskey detectors and a set of

nets in case I ran away.

Just then, I was knocked off

my barstool by a beaked alien

looking to mate.

“Knock it off, Sam! I don’t

swing that way. Curious, flattered even

perhaps I could stroke your beak

… no! Not again.”

“Bartender, check please!”

“One last Vodka and Octopus please!”

Shaken or stirred? The Octopus, alive or clubbed?

Six words peedub Six words max

“The Octopus goes in the Vodka!”

“Can the Fluther collective write a coherent story?” No, absolutely not. :)

she screamed as she stormed out.

Six words max richardhenry!

Was the name of the cocktail

It’s not part of the story if it’s small!

she said, to his dismay.

Bradley picked up his phone, dialing

his girlfriend to see if

, it can be rimmed with nori.

huh? This is not making sense

oops never mind

At which point I blacked out.

and woke up somewere strange

, in a tank of some kind.

Green, rusty metal. A WWII relic?

They called this the Drunk Tank.

Only without the purple pants

(sigh) Apparently, I am still crazy.

I had a raging whiskey hangover.

“I’m over this drink” she said

They didn’t even remove the beak!

I stood up and walked to

an empty dark room and saw..

…three individuals in bunny suits.

Cursing the ghost of Albert Hofmann

Oddly, they had no beaks.

and longed to torture my

So I put it on my bill! ( ooops. haight and I posted at the same time!! this was to follow Oddly, they had no beaks. )

Huh?

…fragile psyche, I gave in.

I was hallucinating that I was still..

seeing three Albert Hoffmans.

and that they were touching my

feverish forehead. I recoiled to find…

they were touching forehead with beaks

, not serrated, but Set-like. When…

suddenly my mother was hovering over

..all three, screaming like a banshee

“but you’re dead! This can’t be!

“But it can,” said Bill Gates,

Albert Hoffman’s tennis partner. They

used to play, but due to

Albert’s untimely demise

thanks to his consistent nipple

biting, the “dynamic duo” parted ways.

I dreamed that I saw Set bite

on a large bacon slab, but

was it an effigy shaped like Osiris?

Osiris started hacking up bacon

Ever since his trip to Dubai

where he unfortunately caught a bird.

I thought ”feck that” and grabbed…

a breathalyzer kit net

filled with previously caught butterflies for

my hallucinatory Albert Hoffman adventures

in the ‘other’ place. Why is

my mother claiming that I’m dead?

Why was the drink really raised?

It was a “Scalmari” vodka/octopus

,I always hold the Campari, except once

when I had a “Salmari”.

It was of coarse a special

occasion, as I had just birthed

several beaked aliens

, progeny of, gin, the neighbor and

gailcalled.

(ahahahahahahahahaha….woop, woop)

Long nights, sordid pasts, and some

cheese tacos, I came to terms

with life. Beaked spawn is just

wildflower’s alter ego.

A mind filled with cheese tacos

and some delicious chocolates that

that were glazed with mind-altering

round cacti, infested with

morsels of ginger that gagged me

until, hallucinating, the Alien Mothership appeared

, reeking of malathion and rotton

Eggs and looked like

everyone had a beak like Disneyworld

and an attitude like carnival workers.

whose friends

and coworkers were all drunken sots.

Their physique was similar to

spice in a shot glass

I drank to

my poor health

,those who cannot count words

, gailcalled

, cannot count their thoughts, I philosophized

over my vodka Scalmari. Then

I waited for the rejection slip

, in red ink, it stated

that I was no longer welcome

to read

My girlfriend’s “Dear John” letter reminded…

me that it was time to

extract the truth about Hoffy’s

inability to count words, not syllables.

and as I dwelled on counting

I ordered six more shots of

“Old number 9,” and two

more “Beaked Alien” brand whiskeys.

They were fourteen pesos but I

several forged US Dollars

written in authentic squid ink. Elvis

had left the building

but forgotten to switch off the

“make this trip end” button. I

obsessed about counting my words

until the point of

insanity. Beaks, beaks, beaks, beaks, beaks…

At last, ‘beak’ came to mean

the union of

Old Dirty Bastard’s long awaited

return to Disneyland. This time

he would pay the entrance fee

, bushel of acorns or

whatever they asked, to enter Disneyland

, fortress of “the one.” Featured inside

was a troupe of dancers wearing

Counting Crows masks along with

several Set uniforms which satisfied my

urge to hack away. Isis was

as sexy as ever

showing off her gilded

lipstick and serrated wings that she

cut through thick-skulled

people in the audience causing bleeding

and a lymph light show. Four

bottles of whiskey were tucked in

fluther writes awesome stories !

The trouser pocket of

ODB’s multicolored Rasta tunic for

use later when I would eventually

Go on a magic trip to

an island like the TV show

survivor, where everybody gets to eat

urchin tartar, slimy sand baked

squid with a hint of

Feta and a garnish of

clam juice and cannibalize each other’s

weanises because

a weanis is a real thing. Its the extra skin on the elbow

they were all sex-starved and

weanises taste better than stray rats
(what the hell Eambos? haha.)

I boarded the plane and arrived

, after waking up from this dream,

in New Mexico, which smelt like

whiskey and weineses. I was incoherent!

the hot sauce bottles in

rusty sewage pipes that no longer

spoke in our terms. Then

I got online and Fluthered

When a huge smelly

vat of ripened

sour mash Tennessee Whiskey full

of beaks, hands and

gametes congealed into

a jelly-like substance and

kimchi #5. The odor

clouded my head and made me

flash back to the time when

I saw Weezy live in ATL

I returned to the airport and

realized the Tennessee Vols had won

I put on my orange T-Shirt and

drank a beer to celebrate.

my relapse back to alcoholism

had not affected my loyalty to

the best team to wear orange

as a way of showing that

they prefer orange over another color.

I preferred the amber of Bourbon

and the stench of smelly socks

and the caress of delicious love

said the vicar to the professional

leg hair licker.

The plane was now loud and

I had a accident in my

plaid shorts.

This caused the plaid to be

heavy on the left side.

This was made worse by the

crabby old broad laughing at me

while downing her own bottle of

monkey spit, she choked and

Began to sound like

I let my heavy, plaid ass

rest.

When the cheecks reagained feeling

from her pinching my bum

I realized a website like this

could never have survived if not

for the excellent minds of people

and my incoherent drunken thoughts. I

party like a rockstar.

find nice things to say about

Weezy F Baby

needs a diaper change

please say the Baby.

( too slow.)

Then a girl named Allie

(uh oh..)

smiled from across the room and

let out a almighty

yawn. She went to jury duty

and hadn’t slept for ever

but had to leave

because she was being tried for

stealing candy from a kid.

guilty said the judge.

“life without parole,” he added.

Shackled in cuffs, she slouched

a shadow of her former self

. She knew she was guilty.

and was going to burn

some tree one last time.

but her last words were

“before I get locked up please

and swore to make it her

goal to bust out of prison.

7 years later her cellmate jackie

started hearing voices

. She said they told her

to break out with out Allie.

And become the worlds first

2 woman exterminating squad.

First on the to do list

was the infested

hole Jackie and Allie had dug.

to dispose of all those cakes

, ones made for urinals. They held

a secret “we’re busting out” party

they invited everyone from the city

and their long time friend TennesseeTeacake

, a baker from Southern Prussia.

She brought her delicious (if I may say so) sugar cookies

made with grade A TLC,

because she wanted Allie to trip

on her own words in delight.

suddenly, Tupac appeared and said:

Brother, is that cookie for me

Allie pulled out her .22, shouted

It’s for me, I’m Weezy.

(I wish I was as cool as Weezy)

The specter of the great rapper

”... but I’ll share with you, Pac.”

I don’t share with nobody

He spit a wicked freestyle then

dropped more lines than AT&T.

I am back, and that’s a fact.

You know where its at

, talk back and rat a tat!

I’m Cheezy, baby!

I eat crabs like I’m

easy, so don’t try and please

me. (end of rap….please)

You can’t stop me now

Allie yelled as she chased Tupac

Into his shiny whip, they

(Cheezy Allie and Weezy that is) sat and

enjoyed a 40. Weezy’s grill glittered

song mixtape with Slayer and

and the Killers

Cheezy refused to flow with them

Broken record of posts!!! More than any other thread. This question rocks!

and fell asleep. Her beak

fell off and exposed her lips

begging to be stroked

Weezy got that look in his eye
oops! 7, sorry

and dropped his

jaw when he saw Cheezy passed

out like an old pamphlet. He

felt bad for getting her drunk

and playing his krunk

but was not to blame

Cheezy sleep talked and confessed her

secrets

and undying love for

Peedub

and his corn dog ways,

(you KNOW it)

“Oh, Peedizzle,” she said..

How do you do that?

you had me at hello

You don’t know the meaning off

“love, young girl” he said cooly

(awkward turtle… haha)

He thought he knew

his one true desire.. unreachable

all because

he forgot how to sail his

exceptionally impressive yacht

named Vodka and Octopus

Well, if I can’t have you

I dont want nobody, baby!

and it’s got to be you

He considered the ultimatum, and

really hoped cheezy would choose him

to wear the red bear suit

in order that they were matching.

to get in bed

was the last thing they wanted

because they knew

they were related!

but they did anyway!

And said: “what the hey!”

That’s why

I need a drink. The end!

Or was it just the beginning?

It was the end of the related hook ups

the beginning of something great

“its bad dejavu! She said

in her book titled “Vini, VIdi,

”...true story of cheezy and peedub”

Chapter one was titled Cheezy, Weezy and Breezys

chapter two was titled “sex”

Chapter three was titled “The End”

their memoir made them filthy rich

until Peedub lost all their money,

in a bet with weezy about
(i still dont know who the fuck weezy is)

(Weezy = Lil Wayne = your brand new favorite rapper!)

(oh. never mind. i hate rap.)

gangsta shit, bitches and hoes.

nobody knows what happened next because

they were suddenly attacked by a huge

throng of penquins, each wielding their

samuari katanas which were covered in

infant seal blood. Their eyes spoke

of the painful beatings they had

tried to forget by imbibing

gallons of hard liquor. The penguins

shrieked at peedub who had forgotten

to replace his bear head with

his yellowed thinking cap. He swore

like a pirate at the penguins…

who swore back. Peedub picked up

his Aleutian Javelin and sack of

onions and ran because he knew

only the bat guano could possibly

save him. Then he was robbed.

His excited manhood was now beginning

to hurt because the thief took

his shorts, without removing his pants

or shoes. Peedud walked sadly across

the penguin mass and passed out.

He awoke to find the alpha-male

man-whale performing what looked like

an alien autopsy…

on the red power ranger. He

was still wearing his mask, but

was nude everywere else

and cold. It was obvious because

He was purple, not red as

the blood that sat in a

Rotten, maggot filled tub of

boiling butter. Peedub decide to enlist

and joined the beaked alien brigade

where they made fun of his

Fluther friend randy

a polyglot from the arctic, who

enjoyed eating infant polar bears

straight from the womb. The two

sauces he brought for such occasions

were A1 steak sauce and hot

Jamaican stuff from Donny the Rasta,

“Yum, may I join you??” said:

Peedub, to which randy replied “Sure,

come hither, taste pure fire. “OH

NO! Randy’s eating me! You CANNIBAL..

BASTARD! Die you flesh eating, dirty

rotten scoundrel. You’re not getting my

candy corn teeth, or my

super stretchy octopus arms!” yelled peedub

as he fainted.

Ben, Andrew and Eric happend along

and banned Peedub and Randy from..

stealing their bunny suits

made of gold. A war erupted

which made my ear hernia worse.

As the battles and hernia raged,

a penguin drinking whiskey squawked loudly

The iPhone version of the site needs a ‘skip to latest post’ link, my scrolling finger kills.

startling the friendly fisherman.

I gave my Scalmari to a

local passer-by on a tricycle. The

silly clown face, sporting a unitard

laughed. As he went past into

a giant block of cheese, that

was past it’s sell by date.

Luckily he was French and happily

made good use of the cheese

he made some very delicious

tartlets, dusted with the finest

dandruff, but he over did the

recipe. Now he has to

lower the price, otherwise the gremlins

who are the only customers, cannot

play their reindeer munching games or

practice their clog dancing, the pride..

gremlins set out to

cause trouble, but little do they

know, a fish with purple hair

who can’t swim.

flew up into his face

spat in he’s eye, and bit

the beak off of

all of the aliens (and birds).

Someone had to put a stop

to all of this madness, so using

the carefully hidden stilletto he had

killed the last of the

royal line of that mighty race.

But wait, was this a dream?

No, it was all too real.

almost surreal, except for this feeling

of… what? Is it rapture(1) ?

The weight of my plaid pants?

or the alien beak up my

sweaty, steamy back. But would she

allow me to touch

her? No! She insisted that I

rub her instead.

So, after oiling myself up, I

watched Donnie Darko on the television.

“Ah, that Donnie,” I thought, “he

always finds the cellar door, but

he can’t please a woman like

robmbandu can do. He was able

bodily, but with a feebe mind.

Too bad.” Moving on, I then

took a cliff diving seminar in

New Guinea utilizing modern rappelling equipment.

Hoping desperately that my vertigo wouldn’t

force me to do that one

-and-a-half somersault before vomiting

red, bruised fruit Jello and

semi digested whiskey soaked squid pieces.

Not that I don’t enjoy a

rummy cake, but I typically gravitate

toward prepubescent aquatic fowl. Of course

, that is, until my mother shows

what it truly means to be

an ovulating man child, born of

Satan’s seed. But that was another

story for another day. He learned

nothing by cheating the banker.

Where was I? Oh yes,

putting on my trousers looking down

at a strange object protruding

from my lycra saddle riders, as

my foot emerged, hitting the whiskey

bottle and spilling the liquor all

over the tulips that I had

thrown up on last nite. So

I buried it with my wife’s (I’m not married btw)

ex and a snippet of

a note explaining my bachelordom and

a beaked alien fish named sally.

“Sheesh,” I said, and proceeded to

peel sally’s scales off and break

out the Dizzy Gillespie music. Then

a fleet of crabs from the

papichula galaxy began to

stutter, but why

hardy ha ha ha ha… wha…?

were their ships made of lindberger cheese?

I’m not sure if robmandu’s thing is related…

Maybe, I was more worried about

the horrible stench arising from

my taint basket. So I

the corosion from my

handy dandy terminals and shouted: ”

“the hills are alive with the…

pole cats, polemics, and pre-

historic beaked fish and tigers

, that once loomed across the great

open highways of the nordic plains.

and ate nothing but

men who foolhardily raise toasts to

themselves. The fools! Didn’t they understand

corporeal punishment would soon follow?

As it turned out, they were

treated to royalty by the king

of the road, who just so

he could make them flay knights.

He also was knitting them some

little pink booties for their Easter

Bonnets that Erik, had previously

made into tattoo patterns. They resembled

Andrew, our beloved moderator(sp).

His forehead and eyes were

glazed over from all the

sleepless hours spent monitoring the every

day coconut-headed window lickers who

say “Oh look at us, we

represent the lollipop guild.”
Meanwhile, unbeknownst

to the hot heads, were 48

banana boats, drenched in the vilest

banana juice ever known to man

. The juice glistened in the midday

sun. So beautiful, yet reeked of

brine. Sailing those were the Intrepid

tree penquins who once populated the

great wilderness who have travelled far

only to find that their birthplace

has been inhabited by drunken

Scalmari-swilling nimrods. Meanwhile, across the

ocean, horned birds

gobbled huge volumes of gollum, liberally

killing themselves. So what did I

learn from this? Nothing.

I think I’ll actually publish this as a non-profit book once it’s finished. Both PDF and printed versions.

That’s a great idea

I didn’t even take away any

large or small

alien beak souvenirs.

This was a particular shame, as

I had grown rather fond of

the taste of penquin bile. Furthermore,

to the further to the more,

that is the question.

Not an everyday question but a

non every day question, based upon

hallucinations and loose associations generated by

super computers and high-paced jet

machines that were built for use

by beaked alien penguins. The answer