If you say no to the casual sex and he keeps coming back.

You never really know when a guy wants a relationship and I have had quite a lot of boyfriends and the only way of knowing is by asking.

@Londongirl: “at the beginning dating period, how do you know if he is interested in you for exclusive dating rather than just a fling?”

You can’t. And most of the time, he won’t know either.

Ask him.

If you and him are dating it’s clear that you both want something, that you are both interested in each other.
From there on up it is all down to how much chemistry there exists and grows between the both of you.
The main factor seems to be time.

The problem is if you ask him before he’s ready you might scare him off…

Once the sex involved it is hard to tell whether he is dating you exclusively or he is dating other girls as well…

It is hard to know. You have to let the relationship unfold.

You have to wait to have sex until you are sure that he is interested.

He will hang out with you. He will ask you out on dates. He will call you and text you.

Well, what if the sex has already involved and dated for a few times… how do you know if he is interested in relationship rather than just friend+benefits?

@Londongirl Then you’re back to the open and honest discussion alternative.

Any particular signs you can tell though?

Or will they ask you?

My first boyfriend we went on for 6 years, he was the one calling me all the time and then after we had sex a few times you asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, so it was very straight forward… but nowadays, things seem to be a bit muddy and grey area…

@Londongirl Everybody is different. I don’t know if there are any signs. I guess the main things would be honesty and trust. If you’re not getting that feeling that might be a sign to be careful.

I think the most important thing is have conversations about how you feel. Ask him what he thinks of your relationship and ask if he wants anything more than just a fling. There it’s easier for you to get the answer other than if you just make something up yourself. He might be thinking differently.

But I mean generally signs to watch out, ie eye contacts, touching hands, kissing lips etc…

@Londongirl The physical things, the touching and kissing are most likely to be signs that he wants to get physical. The signs that he wants a relationship are different. I want to say emotional, but I’m not sure that’s the right term.

The want for relationship signs are different. I know the touching kissing are good signs of getting physical. But what if physical has already reached, now it is about the sign for relationship?

See @Adirondackwannabe ‘s answer ;)

@Londongirl Jeez lady, if I get into these emotional things too much the guys club is going to be calling me to turn in my testicles. The signs are how much he’s into you and what you want. Does he take care of you as a person? Does he take care of your wants and needs. Yes, does he want to hold your hand, but mostly when it’s not going to lead to sex.

@Londongirl Continued physical signs after already have sex just show that he likes the physical stuff and wants it to continue, it doesn’t mean he wants it only with you or that he wants a serious relationship with you. Honestly, even emotional signs (such as caring about how you are feeling, taking care of you when you are sick, etc) don’t necessarily mean he wants to be with only you or wants a serious relationship with only you.

If you approach the subject in a way that doesn’t put a lot of pressure on a possible relationship, you won’t scare him away unless he is absolutely against a relationship. That’s not really a bad thing though because it tells you he wasn’t interested in being in a serious relationship and saves you from finding out later.

So, if you are at the point where you want a serious committed relationship, just talk to him about it. Tell him that you’ve been having a great time and that you were wondering where things stand between the two of you. Ask him what he wants while letting him know that you are interested in the committed relationship.

For me personally, when I was dating, I would not have sex with someone until I knew we were only going to be having sex with each other. If the guys wasn’t okay with that, he wasn’t someone I’d want to be with anyway, so it saved me from possibly developing feelings and being hurt down the road.

If you find you are continuously meeting guys, going on dates, having sex, and then none of them want to commit to just being with you, then stop having sex so early. Chances are, you are meeting guys that only want flings and that’s why you keep getting hurt (if that’s the case). You are giving them what they want before getting what you want. There’s nothing wrong with weeding out the guys that don’t want relationships before you have sex instead of after. Be up front and honest about what you want and if it chases them away, it just means they weren’t the one for you.

I guess yes usually a few dates after if I really like the guys I would give in the sex, then after a few dates I get emotional and want more but he then tells me he’s not ready for exclusive…

In the future, before you have sex, talk about where things stand between the two of you. Tell him you want to have sex, but you want to know that you will only be having sex with each other. That also helps protect you more from STDs, especially if you make them get tested before having sex, so you know what risk you are taking.

If you want to keep doing what you are doing, that’s up to you. Once you bring it up and he says he isn’t ready yet, you can either continue seeing him and wait for him to change his mind or you can tell him that you can’t see him anymore then. If it’s really a pattern you are seeing, then I think it’s time to change things up.

I’m curious, where are you meeting the guys you are dating? If you are constantly meeting them at the same place, maybe it’s time to switch it up and try meeting guys somewhere else. Maybe it’s not just the fact that you are having sex early, but just the type of guy you are dating in general.

I met this guy from dating site… I know some are after just fun, and I was very clear before we even met that I was after freindship and see how things go… not casual sex. So we both talked about that we were not after causal sex…

If you said you were after friendship and then had sex while you were just friends, that pretty much leads right to casual sex. The thing is, you aren’t just after friendship, you want a relationship, so why not just be honest about that. If you don’t want casual sex, don’t have sex until you are in a relationship. Otherwise you are doing exactly what you said you don’t want to do.

I was thinking to be friend first and then once we have sex then we are dating and it should be exclusively…

It’s okay to be friends first, but if you have sex (while you are just friends) without talking about taking things to the next level before having sex, you are basically having casual sex. If you want things to progress, you have to talk about it. If you don’t talk about it, then how is it suppose to happen?

Why have sex with someone you aren’t in a relationship with if you don’t want casual sex? If it’s just because you hope it will lead to a relationship, you should see by now that that is not the case. There are many people that can have sex without feeling any emotion with it. Sex does not always make people develop feelings for each other. Yes, women are more likely to develop feelings for the person because of the hormonal response in their body during the sex, but that doesn’t mean men will too. If you want to be in a relationship with the person, talk about that before having sex if you don’t want casual sex.

@Londongirl What it be ok if I asked how old you are?

@Londongirl No, I saw where you were with one guy for 6 years, so not suggesting anything. It just helps me with my perspective.

yeah he was my first boyfriend…

@Londongirl Your first lasted for six years and now you’re struggling, did anything happen to you between then and now? We can do this by PM if you’d prefer.

If he asks you to be in a relationship with him—-

One cute lady told me once: “Well, don’t fall in love with me or anything..”
I replied: “don’t tell me how to run my life.”
Things got real good for a while and we dated for a bit then we found out we weren’t a good match! (her fault, if you ask me) So, there’s no real telling too early. Just stay open and feel things out

nowadays, things seem to be a bit muddy and grey area
@Londongirl What changed with you in that amount of time? Nothing is unclear in a “relationship” or even a potential relationship if there is clear, open communication.

My problem is that in dating site, once you met a guy you like and you have sex, do you still go on dating site, what if he sees you there, you might make him think you are looking around. This is the problem you see, so you carry on dating him but I want to know if he likes me enough to be exclusive dating during that time but it is always at the early stage and you cannot really pin them into a relationship…

I’ll say straight out: If you want a relationship to build stop with the sex for now. When you go on a dating site to gain a relationship you want to begin to give the relationship a chance. When you find the next candidate to build a relationship with, allow the friendship to build first.

If you think you can pin anyone down into a relationship, your thoughts need to change. The guy you meet either is on the dating site to gain a relationship or is on there just to find casual sex. There’s very little gray area.

Redo your profile. Choose photos of yourself that are a bit more conservative. Make it clearly known that you want a relationship not a one-night stand.

First of all, you have to decide what you want. Do you want to date this fellow and be exclusive? If so, you need to come right out and tell him that. It’s unfortunate that you already slept with him, because in doing that, and not having a conversation about what kind of relationship you were getting into, he may have no interest in you other than sex, or he may be falling in love with you and want to be exclusive.

Do not continue to sleep with him until you’ve sat down with him and had this conversation. If he only wants to be a Friends With Benefits guy with you, and you don’t want that, then you need to exit this relationship now. Don’t keep sleeping with him in hopes that some day, he will change his mind. Many guys enjoy the FWB’s relationships, because they don’t want to get serious with anyone. They like sex, but they don’t love you.

If you want to date this guy exclusively, then you should probably curtail the online dating thing for now. If this relationship doesn’t work out, then you can go back on there later.

But again, the only way to find out if this particular guys wants an exclusive relationship with you is to be upfront about what you want and then ask him directly. All of this guessing business just puts everyone in a bad position, because no one knows what’s going on. I’m assuming that both of you are adults, right? Then just act like an adult, instead of an unsure high school student. Sometimes it’s not fun being an adult, because you will often get answers that you don’t like, but you get answers quickly, if you ask the right questions. Getting answers quickly, gives you the power and the option of making your own decisions about what to do next.

Guessing leaves you in the dark and takes away your options.

One night he told me we were dating exclusively and he wouldn’t cheat, we were in the bar when he said that… then the next day when I clarify he wanted to be friend as he worried he would waste my time if i was after serious relationship… but he said we should carry on and see how things go…

My opinion of what you just stated:
One night in a bar when he was plying you with alcohol to get in your pants he told me he wouldn’t cheat….he said we should carry on so we could have more easy to call for sex.

that night we already had sex before… not the first time… he bought the subject out about relationship.. i think he is not sure about me…

Please believe any guy who says that he is worried that he will waste your time. He will waste your time if you allow him to. He already knows that you are interested in an exclusive relationship. So he’s giving you the option of having a FWB’s type of relationship not an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. He’s also telling you (in not so many words) that he enjoys the sex, but has no intention of being anything more to you. If you are having deep feelings (maybe even love, already) you should probably break it off now, before you get any further involved with him. If you let this go on any longer, he still won’t be your exclusive boyfriend, but you will indeed get hurt even more deeply, the longer this continues.

Most guys who enjoy FWB’s arrangements won’t come right out and tell you that they only want to have sex with you. They usually don’t say anything and that’s the point. If he wanted you to be his exclusive girlfriend, then he would have said so.

His line about seeing how things go, means that he’s happy just having sex with you and nothing more. Better for you to learn this now, while you are still young, than to have to figure it out after it happens to you over and over again.

It’s nice to give people the benefit of the doubt, but when it comes to relationships, both parties need to be very honest and up front about it, from the get go. Hoping and wishing will get you nowhere. Sorry : (

the thing is he said the night before that we were exclusive dating, it was in the early morning after a drunken night out… then the next day very sober he told me its best we are friends and see how things go….

he used to arrange all the meets in the last month showing he was keen at one point, but for some reasons last week he has changed his mind…

i am a bit confused as some of my male friends told me friends plus sex do develop into relationship but must be with the right person.

the thing is i don’t like the not exclusive thing as he can date other people at the same time the thought of it is horrible…

I’m sorry to break the news to you @Londongirl but this fellow was trying you on for size. He probably likes you just fine and really enjoys the sex. He probably told you that he wanted to be exclusive with you, because that was what you wanted to hear. And he was drunk. Now he’s telling you that he wants to be friends. And what that means is that he wants to have sex with other people too, so now you are just Friends With Benefits.

Yes, there is anecdotal evidence that some people with those FWB’s arrangments do fall in love eventually, but the evidence is highly stacked in favor of that NOT happening. If he can sleep around and you let him, then there is no good reason for him to stop sleeping around.

The decision is clearly yours. If you want exclusivity, then this fellow is not the guy for you. He will indeed be wasting your time (like he said he would) if you want more, because this guy can’t give you that. I’m so sorry : (

Be straight and just ask him what’s what. All these games about finding a partner and seeing who’s the best one to suit you etc are fun. In the end you might end up with only the fun and nothing else and that fun doesn’t keep you warm at night.

Dear London Girl,

Welcome to the world of the “London Guy”. Let me just say that even when you think you are in an exclusive relationship with a London Guy, it may be just that exclusive means he is excluding you from knowing that he isn’t exclusive. The London Guy is an expert at the double talk, double trouble and double/triple dating. Trust me on this. They get better after about age 50, when they finally are too exhausted except to reach for the remote control. By about that time, they might decide to settle down.

I agree with @SpatzieLover…do not, not, not have sex. London Guy will disappear like a puff of smoke. oh, wait, too late…you did

Try Akron Guy or Kansas City guy or Salt Lake City guy or even Paris guy (who will rarely be faithful, but he will tell you that up front so you know where you stand.)

I am sorry to say (but I am in agreement with most of the postings) this man is a player . Please know that you are worth more than having to put up with those games.

@DarlingRhadamanthus This is truly one of the best answers I’ve ever read on any type of question! You really have excellent insight!

If you’re running into this same type of player man over and over again, then maybe you really don’t want a relationship, but drama. A real relationship doesn’t go like this. Have you thought about that? Or maybe all you want is sex too, which is OK, but I know a lot of women feel like “sluts” for admitting it to themselves. Be completely honest with yourself, and no judgements. Because he was good in bed, wasn’t he? And very handsome? If what you REALLY want is a real relationship, then find a man who wants one too, and with YOU. It’s not this guy, no matter how hot he might be or good in bed.

On the other hand, you’ve been asking for advice about this guy for almost a week. I understand you really want something to happen, but if everyone on this board is telling you he’s a player, he’s not looking to be exclusive, it’s nobody’s fault, you should move on, then there really is nothing else we can tell you.

You have to make the decision now. We can’t make it for you. You want to keep looking for “signs”? Go right ahead, but I’m going to talk you adult woman to adult woman, just to reiterate:

He doesn’t want to be exclusive with you. He’s told you so. Either accept him on his own terms and stop pining, or let him go and stop pining. It’s a waste of your valuable time when there are other men out there who want what you want and one of them could want it with you, if you let this guy go.

@Kardamom….....Thanks for that. :)
@aprilsimnel….Applause.

@aprilsminel – thanks for input. well, i do want a relationship with a guy who wants that too. when i first met this guy we talked a lot of relationship stuffs and i really thought he was keen too, even the night before he told me we were dating exclusively, the next day he changed his mind. i really like this guy and this is the problem to let him go, but on the other hand, i don’t like to have the thought of him dating other women too…. i’m cool we are friends but i need to think more whether benefits should be involved as usually i don’t, but it happened in the past the i was in a fb and we ended up as friends only.

thought with this guy we only went out for 1 month but we met 1–2 times a week and he was very nice to me, so it is hard to just let go.

thanks for everyone giving me insight here!!! I generally like to chat general signals and relationship not necessary for seeking my own solutions. by chatting and looking at other people views, it gives me and helps me to think more…so thanks!

I think that @DarlingRhadamanthus and @aprilsimnel should take a victory lap together! Great insight ladies!

@Londongirl We all want you to be happy, but no one wants you to give up your self esteem just to feel loved by some guy who doesn’t feel the same way about you. This fellow may have seemed nice, but because you and he don’t want the same thing out of a “relationship” you really need to drop this guy, spend some time in contemplation, and then start looking for someone new who will share your same goals. My sympathies.

Kardamom – thanks and i know what score I get from guys who don’t want to committ. this guy i don’t know he did but i think he is still so hung up with his ex so i think i cannot expect him to suddenly fall in love with me and want a relationship with me. he mentioned a few times that night that he want to carry on and see, i guess being friends is the only option here. usually i don’t sleep with friends so i have to be careful with that in the meantime i am going to meet other guys and see…

But my thread is not really trying to resolve but to really look at other people views and see any signs you can see from guys if they want relationship though…

@Londongirl We’ve all been trying to tell you that there is only one sign that let’s you know if a guy wants a relationship with you. The sign is when he actually tells you, with no uncertainty or questions or mixed signals, that he wants a real, exclusive relationship with you and only you. Anything else is simply game playing.

I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but there have been so many other women on Fluther that have asked similar questions about “how to figure out if a guy likes them” or “how to know if a particular guy will fall in love with them” or “if a guy seems to be evasive, but nice, how can I tell if he wants to be my boyfriend” that I have started to grow weary. The only real way to know if a guy wants to be your exclusive boyfriend is to ask him and have him say yes. Any other answer is likely to cause you heart ache. Even if there is a million to one chance that he will change his mind. It’s really easy to know what a guy wants out of a relationship if you just come right out and ask him point blank. Some guys can be mean and un-compassionate, but they are pretty up front with you, when you ask them about “your relationship” point blank.

I’ve read through everybody’s “views” about seeing any sings you can see from guys if they want a relationship and everybody seems to agree that this particular guy does not feel the same way about you. I hope you can see it too and move on.

why are you so certain that this guy will not change his mind? Do you not belive people will change their feelings? I am not saying I’m hoping to wait for him to change his mind, as I said I know the score.

If we are talking about generally speaking, people do change their feelings, even if this guy wanted to have a relationship with me, it doesn’t mean he won’t a month later or a year later… so same reason that guys will also change their mind with feelings towards people not just in romantic sense but with people.

What you are saying is that once this guy has determined he’s not ready for relationship, he will not ready forever?

@Londongirl Yes, that is exactly what I am saying.

Women always want men to change the way they feel about them (if they don’t love them in the first place and make that fact abundantly clear) and they often have super-romantic notions based on movies and books and anecdotal stories about how some gallant young man on a white horse will come and swoop them off their feet, after proclaiming that they were wrong about their feelings.

Stuff like this happens all the times in books and movies and anime stories and fan fiction, but it almost never happens in real life. Men and women are different, and most men will tell you that they simply don’t have as complex feelings about relationships as women do. Women have millions of “what if” scenarios playing in their heads at the same time. Most men either want just sex or they want a real relationship with a woman, and they are usually pretty clear about which one they want. But sometimes you actually have to come out and ask them, otherwise they will hope that you can figure it out on your own, because it’s really embarrassing for most men to tell you that they don’t love you, knowing full well that you might cry and/or stop sleeping with them.

And, just to set the record straight, I never said that a guy who has determined that he’s not ready for a relationship, he will not be ready forever. What I said was that a man who has told you or any other specific woman that he does not want an exclusive relationship with you, is highly unlikely to change his mind about that. But he is very likely, to find someone else that he does want to spend the rest of his life with, even immediately, after telling you that he isn’t interested in an exclusive, loving relationship.

Once you get a few of these ugly humiliations under your belt, you will understand what I’m talking about. I’m very sorry for your loss.

Please don’t wait around for this guy to change his mind. He already told you that he would be wasting your time (that’s a euphemism for a guy not being in love with you). Don’t waste your time on him.

Like I said, what I do with this guy I will make my own decision.

You might be right about guys that might just want sex and too afraid to say so because he still wants to sleep with the girl but not in love with her.

My question to you is do you belive people won’t change their feelings after period of time?

I tell you another of my experience.. I met a guy 3 years ago at first I kinda of like him but we didn’t go further we chatted on msn a bit and since I know there is nothing between us (we didn’t even hold hands of kiss), I chatted to him a lot about relationships and my own situation at the time with a guy… he was there on and off on msn… then end of last year he started to chat to me more and asked me to go out for drinks, which I did. At the night, I know I was not interested in him romantically. He told me he was only after sex and friendship, so it was pretty clear that I was not interested in sex with him neither. He kept calling me asking me out. I kept saying no and not even go out for drinks with him and very directly telling him we are only platonic friends nothing more. He told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend and wanted to see me.

This story tells me guys do change their mind, but to me when the feelings is not there there is nothing much I can do, though I tried to like him but I just don’t feel the chemistry there. I always am honest to people so I tell him I don’t have feelings but I don’t mind to be just friends. He said to me he was shocked as he though all this time I was playing hard to get and he didn’t know I actually didn’t feel anything for him even though I told him directly.

So now tell me do guys change their feelings?

You’ve had excellent advice so far, which you seem not to want to accept. You seem to want people to tell you some magic that you can use to determine:
– when a man is being honest with you;
– when a man wants to have a permanent (or at least semi-permanent / long-term) and exclusive relationship with you;
– how to tell a man’s long-term intentions after you’ve already started having (relatively) casual sex.

It’s just not possible. This is the story of the human condition. You simply cannot do these things. The best you can do is negotiate agreements with people, such as:

“Let’s date for a few more evenings / weeks / months / years and then maybe I’ll agree to have sex with you, after I decide (for myself, not on the basis of what you say or what others say) that you’re open, honest and committed to me.”

Or

“Let’s get married and form a very exclusive, private and permanent relationship first, and then you can have whatever I can give you.”

Or

“Let me tell you that I don’t want to have ‘casual sex’ and then change my mind after a very few dates and decide to have sex after all, and then wait… and wait… and wait… to see what you do.”

Either of the first two options is workable and practiced with pretty good success around the world. The third option is a losing proposition. Not only have you given up your primary bargaining chip (with some men, anyway, the kind who “only want the sex”), but you have given a very misleading signal to the man that “I don’t want casual sex” ... and then having what amounts to “casual sex” after just a few dates. He may decide – and in fact I know men who have made the decision – that you are then not to be trusted. In other words, how will you respond if the two of you happen to be separated for some length of time for whatever reason. He knows that your insistence on “no casual sex” is meaningless.

It’s been said that “Insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.” Don’t be insane. You have to change your behavior, not look for signs in his eyes, his kisses, his words and the great sex you may have. You have to decide whether your intent (to yourself – and it’s a good one) to “not have casual sex” is worth keeping, or are you going to “put out” (to put it in the vulgar vernacular) for any guy who calls for a second date?

Treat yourself (and your promises to yourself) with the respect you intend to receive from your partner. They will seldom respect you more than you respect yourself. Don’t lie to yourself.

I think I told him I didn’t want ‘casual sex’ and he told me too, so we were on that same page. It was that I thought we were clear, and when we had sex I thought it would go toward an exclusive dating. Only after a few weekends together, he has changed his mind. Now I have to accept he only after friendship now though he said lets see how it goes. But I must be honest I have been honest to him too that I do not want casual sex. I didn’t even go to dating site. Only when he told me the ‘friend’ status on Sunday, I went back to dating site from Monday as it is clear that we can date anyone freely now. So it doesn’t mean I am seeking for ‘causal sex’ I am purely meeting other new people since our situation is clear now. It is up to him if he wants to exclusive now, but if we are in the Friend zone, I really need to think we should develop friendship first as if we start over again rather than getting sex involved. I do that it is because I really do like this guy. Some guys I don’t keep the friendship but some guys I do keep the friendship it really depends.

I like people with different opinions this is why I’m here to ask such embrassing questions…

Most of the guys I have met do not want to go straight to relationship, usually they said lets see how it goes, very open ending. But then it is true you do need time to develop things. But as to when the relationship should become exclusive dating, then it is always tricky and I always fall in that period of time…

@Londongirl It’s not an embarssing question, it’s just life. If you figure out all the answers you’ll be ahead of the rest of us.(I think we both spelled embarassing wrong)

@Londongirl You said, “He told me he was only after sex and friendship, so it was pretty clear that I was not interested in sex with him neither. He kept calling me asking me out. I kept saying no and not even go out for drinks with him and very directly telling him we are only platonic friends nothing more. He told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend and wanted to see me.” and “This story tells me guys do change their mind”.

No, he most likely didn’t change his mind, he was most likely just telling you what you wanted to hear in order to get you in bed (at least what he thought you wanted to hear based on what you had been telling him). When you stick to your guns like you did in this story, the guys will change up their strategy to get what they want.

Dating and relationships can be hard, but if you know what you want, you should go for it. If you don’t want to play the “let’s date other people and see how things go” game, don’t do it. I never did. If I was with someone, I was with them, none of that seeing other people stuff. If the guy didn’t want to be exclusive, he wasn’t the guy for me. It almost sounds like you want a relationship so badly that you are willing to give up what you want in order to just have a guy stick around. If you start giving up what you want now, what will you give up later once you are actually in the relationship? I’m not saying this to be mean, it just sounds like you are willing to give the guy all the power and let him have everything his way right now. If that’s the case, when will you stand up for yourself and what you really want?

There’s nothing wrong with standing your ground and waiting to find the guy that is willing to be in a relationship with only you.

Adiron: sorry my bad should have spelling check here…

Well, just my experience with guys I’ve not met anyone said to me they want a relationship. all of them would say lets see how it goes. Those are after sex are also very up front, so no time wasting for both parties. Those I start dating without sex, usually the ones I have problem with. We dated a few times and I like them enough to sleep with them, but once you have sex with them, it doesn’t mean you are immediately coming exclusive or girlfriend, you still need to date and get to know each other, which is this critical period of time I always fail. I usually go along a few nights with them as soon as I have sex I start to grow my feelings with them and then I want to know where I stand. With this particular guy, I didn’t even ask him yet, he told me when he was semi-drunk at the bar he wants to be exclusive he even told me he wouldn’t cheat and see how things go. It is only the next day, I asked again when he’s sober, then he changed his mind. To me, he has changed his mind meaning he is not sure about me. So I’m cool to be friend but friend only and see how things go. Not necessary to have sex involved cos I know as soon as I have sex with a guy I get emotionally involved… so here this is what I think I would do.

I also have a guy last in similiar situation and we became platonic friend, he is there when I need to talk but only talk no sex at all.

@Londongirl Don’t sweat the spelling, it’s one of the small stuff items. God should have given guys ovaries and a uterus. Maybe that would make us more understanding. Some of us think with our penis. I don’t know what else to say.

@Londongirl If you know that sex causes you to develop feelings for them and that after sex you are going to want a relationship with them, have the relationship talk before having sex. That way, it’s not something you have to worry about waiting to have fall into place after the sex driven feelings you will develop.

Seaofclouds: good point!!! I did with this guy and I thought we were clear, but still even you got in there you still need to take time to see and that period of time usually is critical!

@Seaofclouds Can you have sex with someone without developing feelings for them? I’m letting someone in my bed, seeing to their pleasure, and then most likely spending the night, because once I hit the hay I’m done. How can I not have feelings for them? I guess I may have to turn in the testicles. :)

I cannot have sex with anyone without feelings or physical attraction of course. But to begin with, I need to like the guy enough to have sex ie dated for a few times and developed enough feelings to spend a night with the person. I also will tell them I don’t do causal sex from very beginning so that I hope they respect that and not to fool me around…

@Londongirl Yet there’s people out there doing it all the time without the relationship issues. I wonder what’s going through their minds?

@Adirondackwannabe Nope, I can’t have sex without developing feelings, but that’s why I wasn’t into casual sex when I was single. I didn’t have sex outside of relationships because I knew once I had sex things would be different for me. I know many people that can have sex without developing romantic feelings though, so that’s why I suggested @Londongirl not have sex until she’s had the relationship talk since she knows she develops more feelings for the person once she has sex with them.

Adro: Yes, me too, I guess mainly guys who can do the sex without emotionl things. We girls always too romantic about sex!

Seaofclouds: With this guy, we did have a general relationship talk before, he knows I hate cheating and I don’t do casual sex.

Besides, I also start to control my emotion now… for instance I like this guy so much but I have not contacted him and I am holding up my feelings… this is the hard bit…

When I was in college I let a few women pick me up, but as I’ve matured I can’t do it any more. I’m not sure what or where it changed, but it just did.

Adiro: I think most guys like to be pick up… it is the ego thing I think. But I was told by a male friend that if a girl picks him up he might have sex with her and thats all…

What make you change? Have you met your girlfriend and you lost interest?

@Londongirl I’m not 100 percent sure. Maybe I’ve learned the difference between making love and having sex?

So that leads to another questions…

how do you know if a guy is making love with you or having sex with you in bed???

@Londongirl I think the answer to that is who’s pleasure is he concentrating on? If he’s really into pleasing you it’s probably making love, if he’s just into his own it’s sex.

Do guys share sexual fantasy with Friend Benefit girl?

Depends on the guy and how open he is. We’re all different.

To me I only talk about sexual fantasy with boyfriend. I find it strange to share such intimate information with someone without emotional attachment…

@Londongirl Depends on the nature of the fantasy.

SEXUAL NATURE FANTASY

1. Stop being sexual with him for now. You have the right and the power to reject his advances until you are more certain of how he actually feels about you.

2. See how he reacts. If he gets all whiny about not getting laid, dump him. He only wants sex. If he steps up his emotional caretaking of you, proceed, but do so with caution.

3. If you remain really uncertain, just dump him. It’s not worth the trouble.

Take people on their word @Londongirl. Hold them accountable to it.

Fiddle: very good advice thank you!!! :)

guys: i think i’m not good with words and expressing and then i tend to meet guys are like that too…

Look for one of those old-fashioned types who don’t go in for the casual fling, but rather are looking for a wife.

Nullo: Sure, but at the beginning you can tell, usually guys would like to say lets see how things go, then go into a situation then after a while then you know they are only after some casual fling but not a relationship…

@Londongirl Don’t hunt in places where people look for casual flings, firstly. So bars are out. And keep your skirt on until you’re married. If he sticks that long, he’s interested in permanence.

@Londongirl Listen to @Nullo. What he is trying to say is that even if a guy says that he wants to see how things go, that’s fine, just don’t sleep with him. Date him and get to know him and what kind of person he is and what his goals and ideals for his life are. I’m not saying that you should necessarily wait until marriage to have sex, but if you don’t want a fling, then you have to wait a good long time, 6 months to a year of being with someone who claims that they want to be in a comitted monogamous relationship with you. By waiting this long, you weed out the fellows that just want to have sex and nothing more.

You should also be very up front with men from day one. Let them know that you are looking for a real, comitted relationship. When you tell men the truth, it will scare off the ones who are not looking for the same thing. But know that any man that wants a comitted relationship also has to date you for quite awhile (with no sex) to see if you’re the right person for him. So he still might tell you that he wants to see how things go but you should still not have sex with anyone until you have both talked about a future together and common life goals.

You also need to learn more about the “lines” that men feed women simply to get them to have sex with them. Men that are looking for a real comitted relationship with a woman doesn’t use lines.

Nullo and Kardamom: In the current time, all the guys find it strange that I didn’t sleep with them even after 2nd dates they think I’m old fashioned. Sex comes naturally if you have feelings for each other. I know what you are saying to filter out some guys who are just after flings. It is usually hard to tell until I slept with them then they started to change even at the beginning they told me they were after relationship and not fling.

Again, @Londongirl where are you finding these guys?

I doubt you’d have the same results if you were locating them at a chess club or a church or even an online dating service…where you write an honest description of what you are looking for.

SpatzieLover: I usualy tell them very beginning that I am not after flings or casual. They usually said the same before I met them. To me, it is important to date as freinds for a bit and then getting into exclusive if both really like each other. I don’t like to meet a guy who is very keen just just meet a girlfriend or a relationship. It is much more natural to be friends first and go for a few dates and then see how it goes.

Where are you telling the men this? At a pub? At a nightclub?

At the online dating site, before we even met or when we met on 1st time.

Then, you need to reword your online profile. You are still attracting guys that want sex before becoming monogamous. Once you’ve edited, you will be going on less dates, but should attract better candidates.

I am going on very very few dates anyway… I chat about it before I even meet them. But it seems to me it is very normal that people have sex before going into mongamous relationship, which I also think it is normal.

People will sometimes do this thing where they lie to get what they want. The Internet is notorious for harboring varying degrees of this sort. Which is not to say that everybody online lies, just that you shouldn’t automatically assume that they don’t. The easiest way to weed out falsehood is to wait for circumstance to make it obvious.
It’s a recent idea that premarital sex is “normal” or otherwise appropriate in Western culture. You’re not an animal; you can hold off on the sex, even until marriage. Yes, the desires are natural, but there’s a time and place. You don’t belch at the table, do you? Again, it depends on where you’re looking. Most Christians, for instance, are raised with the notion that sex is strictly for married people. Conservatively-minded people in general, really.

Despite @Kardamom‘s less-than-entirely-conservative leanings, she makes a good argument. Patience is key to building anything sturdy.

Nullo: I don’t believe the old fashioned conversativitism is working in this modern day. I think it is normal people take time to develop a relationship but as to when you find out if the person is lying to get what they want, we have to take some amount of risk. I usually take risk to trust the person I dated and liked and the problem is after sex involved then the truth started to come out eventually…

@Londongirl If you are so against casual sex, why are you defending it so much? What does it matter what everyone else is doing? What matters is what is working for you in your relationships, not what everyone else is doing. Considering you are seeing a consistent pattern of having sex early on and then the guy backing off, it seems like that should be enough of a sign that it’s time to try something different, like sticking to not having sex unless you are in a monogamous relationship since that is what you keep saying you want.

@Londongirl Don’t sell it short; it works fine for tens (hundreds?) of millions of us Westerners.
I agree, trust has to figure in someplace. But since you haven’t had any success, you should try changing the criteria for when you trust someone enough.

Nullo: Yes I think you have the point about the when I should trust people.. Too bad I trust people when I like them… may be I need to look at that.

@Londongirl You do that. Give them time to prove themselves.

Yeah may be… its difficult i usually trust my instinct on someone I thought I could trust…

The less you show interest, the more he’ll want you, and the more that will lead to exclusivity.
You got to show a man you are happy without him. Remember, its all about the chase.