Let’s get away from labels, shall we, @QueenOfNowhere. Whether you are or are not passive aggressive hardly matters. The fact is that if you ask someone a very personal question about himself, such as “Are you a virgin?” but do it in passing, or in a joking manner or as if you don’t expect a response, or a serious response, then how is he to answer?
If you start a conversation with someone, especially someone who is unknown to you and may be feeling his own pressures to keep up with you in the conversation – and working on his own comfort level about “What do I share?”, and you switch between “like a kid sometimes” and “serious the other times”, but you don’t make it clear when the transition occurs, then he’s lost in the conversation. In other words, you are manipulating his responses in a way that bad interviewers often do, but catching the person off guard or in a moment of uncertainty that may lead to “untruthfulness”. In that case “you win” the conversational battle, but you lose the potential friend or lover, since he’s blown away.
When I have a conversation with someone – regardless of context – I try to make sure of their level of literacy and humor, so that when I make a joke or witticism they know very clearly that this is what has just happened. And when I’m speaking with someone whose command of language isn’t as great as mine (or who doesn’t feel the desire or comfort in sharing things that I might be comfortable with), then I tailor my speech to what will be understood and accepted (even if not ‘agreed with’) by the other party.
I think (again, without labels) that your desire / need / compulsion to “spill the beans” about yourself is a sort of information overload. You recognize the effect it’s having (apparently, or you wouldn’t have asked the question) but you seem to be asking “What is the matter with these guys?” instead of altering your own behavior.
How (you say) you perceive yourself isn’t the issue here. It’s how others perceive you that matters. I know a number of people who have a seemingly jolly front – and who can be the most vicious and cutthroat conversationalists you could ever hope to meet. I’m not saying “this is what you are”, but false (or suspect) bonhomie is a red flag to me.