After an emergency c-section, is it normal to feel disappointed?
As some of you know, I was induced on sept 15 (the due date) due to low amniotic fluid. They started with Cervidil and hoped I would progress into labor on my own. Within 2 hours I started having intense contractions. They were only 2 minutes apart. The nurses checked me and I was staying at 1 cm dilated. I had no pain meds in the beginning because I was only 1 cm. However, the contractions continued for over 12 hours with increased intensity and I still had no progress. I tried to be strong but I ended up being one of those women who scream and cry from the pain. I’m sure the whole hospital heard me. I never prepared myself mentally for the pain of that. The nurses decided to give me an epidural at only 1 cm. At first it seemed to help but within a half hour I was vomiting and my skin my itching like crazy. I worked through that part. My water broke on it’s own but I remained 1 cm. I was in and out of consciousness and I’m now being told things that I have absolutely no memory of! After the dr checked one last time (and apparently did a sonogram), they discovered that I had some part of my tailbone that stuck out too far to allow a baby’s head to ever pass it so they wheeled me in for surgery. The last things I remember is being on the table and the dr checking for the baby’s heartbeat. He started panicking. It had dropped to 60. The dr said “We have to get him out now. We have no time.” So, before letting my numbing meds kick in, they started to cut. And I felt everything. I started yelling and wiggling. They realized I could feel the surgery and quickly kicked out my boyfriend and put me under. Next thing I knew, I woke up in my room, no longer pregnant. They brought my son in, and he was beautiful and perfectly healthy but I was really drugged up still. It was so surreal. It didn’t seem like any of it was really happening. I truly didn’t believe that was even my baby. I feel like I was robbed of so much. I wasn’t able to experience him come into this world. I wasn’t able to hold him right after he was born. I didn’t react the way I expected because of all the drugs in my system. Worst of all, I went through hours and hours of intense labor and pain only to discover I would never have been able to have him naturally anyway. My poor baby was in distress and I feel responsible somehow. As the days have passed, I’m starting to feel better about everything. But I still have this horrible feeling every now and then when I think about how completely out of control I was of the entire situation. I felt helpless. Is it normal to still feel this way a few days after the fact? I’m absolutely blessed with this little miracle. He’s amazing. I just feel like I missed so much and we weren’t able to have the proper bonding moments. Maybe I’m just hormonal!
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