We are dealing with that now (see post on hoarding earlier).
The big thing is to start talking as a family, and preferably while both parents are still around. Have a guideline you can refer to because when the end comes, no matter how expected it is, it is traumatic for the survivors and everyone operates in a state of shock.
There are certain things you can do now.
1. Get all important papers together and know where they are kept. (hopefully in a safe place)
2. Both parents need a separate will, preferably signed and notarized, indicating their wishes as to the disposition of their worldly possessions. You need to have the original somewhere where it is readily available and everyone needs to know where it is.
3. You need to have a medical durable power of attorney for both, set up to kick in if/when they are incapacitated or unable to make decisions for themselves.
4. Someone needs power of attorney. Again, these can be set up with restrictions or triggers.
5. Someone needs to be on each and every bank account, checking, savings and retirement. You also need to be able to deal with their accountant, cpa or whomever.
6. Do they have stocks, bonds, mutual funds? Who will handle access them in the event of an emergency or death?
7. Are there life insurance policies? Who with (names and numbers)?
8. You need to have a list showing each doctor they are seeing with phone numbers, addresses and preferably an office contact.
9. You need to know each and every medication they are taking, where they get them (Pharmacy with phone number, doctor who prescribed them etc.
10. How do your parents feel about assisted living facilities? Do they have a preference (Y or N) or can or will they visit some together to see what it is all about.
11. You need to know the wishes of each parent in the case of hospitalization. Where do they want to go? How aggressive do you want to pursue treatment? What about a “do not resuscitate” order?
12. In the event of death, what are the parents wishes? Cremation or burial? Which funeral home? Church service or private? Do they have a plot or where would they like to buy buried?
13.This is difficult for all, possibly the most difficult because it really brings home our mortality) but in the long run, it is easier for the surviving spouse and children. Have each parent physically choose a casket or urn. At the very least specify how much they want spent on one.
Basically, get everything you can in writing, get copies of all important papers, have multiple copies available to all family members and get as much input from your parents as you possibly can. If you are following their wishes, there will be less conflict between the siblings.
On a personal level, my sister lives in town and takes care of moms needs. My brother and I defer to her judgment for the day to day care. Because she is in town, she has access to the checking accounts and power of attorney but calls both of us before any major activity to get our input. Each of us have medical power of attorney in case something happens during a visit. I handle most of the paperwork items unless it can be done locally by my sister. We also decided to continue using my folks local tax consultant for the upcoming income tax next year because he is familiar with the family and has been doing it for years. We stay in contact frequently and act as a sounding board or shoulder to cry on when necessary. I have fielded up to six calls a day from my sister but she bears the brunt of the problems associated with the care. Mom still lives in her own home and my sister, BIL and nieces visit daily, sometimes all, sometimes only one. We visit when we can and call Mom at least once a week. We have not had any major problems between the three of us
Personally, I feel guilty that I cannot do more, as does my brother, but families are far ranging these days we are 12 and 14 hours away; which is why we felt like we needed everything I outlined above on paper. I wish we had done it before dad passed away last February. My sister had a very traumatic 14 hours before my brother and I got there to help out. But we have it now.