General Question

girlofscience's avatar

How can I ask my cousin if I will be invited to her wedding?

Asked by girlofscience (7553points) November 12th, 2011
23 responses
“Great Question” (1points)

My first cousin is getting married in May. We lived close to each other growing up, but we now live in different states. She lives in Pennsylvania, near the rest of our family, and I have lived in North Carolina for the past four years.

We are a typical amount of “close” for first cousins. We were never best friends, hanging out outside of family functions all of the time, but we have always talked at family functions and gotten along well. Currently, we interact on facebook and play games with each other on our phones.

She is having a relatively large wedding, so I assume I will be invited, and I would love to go, but I cannot be certain I will be.

The reason I need to know now is because I have a work trip that will conflict with her wedding, and the work trip is being booked soon. If I will be attending her wedding, I will need to make different arrangements with work to arrive at the conference after it begins.

It is always tacky and uncomfortable to ask someone about an invitation, but I really do need to know now because of the work conflict. Is it acceptable to ask in this case? And if so, is a facebook message appropriate?

Here is a draft:

Hey [Cousin],
Only six months to go now! Wedding planning must be super exciting! You and [your fiancé] are SO cute.
I know it’s early to ask, but I wanted to know if you were planning to invite out-of-state first cousins to your wedding. If you are, [my domestic partner] and I would LOVE to come, but I need to know now because I have a conference for work in Florida the same week. I can definitely make it to both your wedding and the conference, but the conference submissions are due in a few weeks, and I will need to specify the dates I will be at the conference at that time.

I’m not sure how this sounds, so suggestions? Criticisms? I’d like to be as non-awkward as possible. And how about the mention of my domestic partner? To be honest, I would only even attend the wedding if he could come too; I really wouldn’t want to fly to Pennsylvania and attend this function alone. Can I assume that if I am invited, he will be also? (My cousin has met him at family functions.)

Thanks in advance for the help!

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Answers

Bellatrix's avatar

I think your email sounds great. It is friendly, not assuming you will be invited and explains why you want to know. I think it would be unusual to invite people and exclude their partners, so it is safe to assume your partner is invited. I think all I would add is a final sentence saying you understand if she was not planning to invite you because weddings are so expensive and there have to be limits on how many people can attend, but you don’t want to let her down if she would like you to be there. No pressure intended in terms of including you on the guest list of course.

I think it is nice you are planning ahead! Some people don’t even RSVP these days and then turn up or do RSVP and don’t turn up. You are being thoughtful. I am sure your cousin will see that.

flutheragain's avatar

I think you should just assume she will ask you, because if she wasn’t going to, that message is a bit embarressing, no? Just my opinion. Sure if she doesn’t ask you just do something else instead.

Bellatrix's avatar

Unfortunately @flutheragain, conference attendance costs money and there are usually hotel accommodation and flight costs as well, so I can see why @girlofscience needs to know for sure if she will be at the wedding or not.

bobbinhood's avatar

I second @Bellatrix‘s suggestion of including the extra sentence at the end. As it stands, she could feel pressured to tell you yes, but the extra sentence at the end would fix that. I was trying to figure out a good way to conclude, but then I read @Bellatrix‘s answer, and I love her idea of saying that you understand the limits of how many people can attend but don’t want to let her down if she was hoping for you to be there.

girlofscience's avatar

@Bellatrix: Great answer, thanks! I think your additions are really useful too. They take the pressure off a bit. I just hope that, in the off chance she was not planning to invite me, she doesn’t feel uncomfortable saying so.

wundayatta's avatar

Can you ask your mother (or father) to ask her mother (or father) for you?

girlofscience's avatar

@wundayatta: Yeah, I was discussing that with my mom tonight, and we were trying to figure out the best way to do this. She thought that a message coming from me, directly to the bride, might be the best way to handle it, but she is willing to ask for me if I decide that’s what I want. Do you think that would be better? And if so, why? (This is my dad’s sister’s daughter, if that matters.)

chyna's avatar

I like your draft and @Bellatrix‘s additional sentence. Heck, you guys are cousins, and if you can’t be honest with your cousin, who can you be honest with?

EmptyNest's avatar

Your email is so “right on” that I’m surprised you’re even asking! I love it!

JLeslie's avatar

Ask her mom.

girlofscience's avatar

@JLeslie: Why do you think asking her mom is better than asking her? I worry it would be kind of rude to go over her head and ask her mom without being upfront with her. I mean, it’s her wedding after all, not her mom’s.

JLeslie's avatar

@girlofscience It would depend on the people really, you know them. If she is young she may not know how to answer you, feel put on the spot, be unable to say you aren’t invited to your “face.” While people who are older usually understand better that not everyone can be invited. But, you know your relationship best with them. If it would be odd for you to ask her mom, ask her directly. Or, have your mom ask her mom, or your dad ask, whoever is the related.

Why not just plan around it if it is not a big deal. Most likely you will be invited if it will be a big wedding. It’s so far ahead of the wedding they may not even have the invite list finalized. Many brides send a save the date card 4–6 months out if many people are coming from out of town. When do you have to reserve the conference?

Put yourself in her place, if she asked you, would you be comfortable saying, “sorry you’re not invited to my wedding.”

girlofscience's avatar

@JLeslie: I have to make the reservations for the conference on December 1. It would be much easier for me to attend the entire conference and go with the rest of my coworkers, but if I am going to be invited to my cousin’s wedding, I would really love to go to that and miss the first two days of the conference. Either way, I need to know what sorts of reservations to make by December 1.

girlofscience's avatar

As for her age, she will be 30 in two months.

JLeslie's avatar

@girlofscience Have you talked to your mom about it? If your not sire what to do take her advice. She knows the people.

Well, 30 is usually old enough to be able to handle that sort of thing.

girlofscience's avatar

@JLeslie: Yes, I have spoken to my mom about it. She thought the best way to handle this may be for me to contact the bride directly. However, if I decide I would like her to ask instead, she is willing to do so.

JLeslie's avatar

@girlofscience Just ask her. Send the email or give her a call. My concern was, beside what I stated, that if you are not sure how to ask or who to ask, that your family might be sensitive about these things, but your mom’s reaction makes me think your family does ot get all bent out of shape, or hold resentments.

Let us know what happens.

JLeslie's avatar

Oh, I just thought of something, how did you find out about the wedding and the date? Did the bride tell you?

dappled_leaves's avatar

@girlofscience I think you should ask her directly. If you ask your parent to check with her parent, she will inevitably find out (probably by being asked), and that is so much more awkward than your friendly letter.

marinelife's avatar

I think it sounds great.

wundayatta's avatar

I think your parents should do this. For one thing, it isn’t the bride, traditionally who hosts the wedding; it’s her parents. Technically, they are the ones you should be asking. Now in this case, she may be organizing the thing, but really, that doesn’t matter. Your mom should check, and she shouldn’t even admit she’s doing it for you officially. She just says that she’s asking because she knows you have this thing going on, and you wouldn’t want to get caught in a bind if your cuz wanted you at the wedding. So does she know? Your mom says you are going ahead with planning for the conferenced, but if she will be invited, she’ll let you know.

That gives deniability all around. Your cuz doens’t have to tell you directly you aren’t invited, saving her embarrassment, and you don’t have to be told no to. The adults all handle it and deal with the feelings.

xhaiteddyx's avatar

@girlofscience , well, since you are part of her family, I’ll take a pretty big guess that you will be invited! I mean, what family member won’t invite her family to her own wedding? Haha.

augustlan's avatar

I think, in this day and age, and with a bride who is 30 years old, you should ask her directly. Your message sounds fine to me, with the addition of @Bellatrix‘s idea.

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