General Question

CupcakesandTea's avatar

I feel my relationship is slowly dying but I really want it to work. Any advice?

Asked by CupcakesandTea (353points) November 29th, 2011
6 responses
“Great Question” (1points)

I have been with this man for 7 months now. About a month ago we moved in together. I’ve thought up until we moved in together that I was going to end up marrying him no question about it. But since we have moved in he seems to have lost interest in me. 9 times out of 10 I initiate intimacy. He tells me he loves me more than anything but I feel there is no romance anymore. I have even expressed these concerns with him before and he just didn’t seem to take it seriously. I feel there is no fire and that the relationship has gone ice cold. Should I just move on? Sorry I truly am confused about what to do and need advice. Thank you.

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marinelife's avatar

Perhaps the two of you should consider counseling.

Failing that, read Harville Hendrix’s Getting the Love You Want. Even better if you can get him to read it too and the two of you do the exercises.

wundayatta's avatar

I like @marinelife‘s advice a lot. Counseling would help. However, I doubt he will be willing to go. He just doesn’t see that there is anything wrong.

I’ve been in the frustrating position where I wanted sex and my wife didn’t. It cause very serious problems in our relationship and to be honest, even though we are doing much better thanks to counseling, something has been lost. An important something.

I think you are feeling the loss of that important something, and I’ll be it’s a bit scary, especially since you just moved in. I think it would help if you found a way to tell your bf how serious this is to you—i.e., that you are thinking of moving out.

Now, one reason people don’t feel up for sex is they don’t feel connected to their partner. If he feels that, he seems to be denying it. There also could be performance issues. How often did you have sex before you moved in together? There are surely psychological issues. Maybe he was interested in you when he had to romance you, but now that you have moved in, he may feel he doesn’t have to do that any more. Maybe he doesn’t get aroused unless he has to chase.

It is too early to say you should move on, but you do need to develop some open and frank discussion with your partner. The fact that he does not hear your concerns should be disturbing. He should be concerned about your feelings and he seems to be not taking them seriously. Not good.

If your relationship is ice cold, then it has to be heated up. This will take work. Like I say. You have to both be willing to talk and listen. A therapist can help. But you can do it alone, with the help of a book such as the one @marinelife suggested. If he won’t participate, that is very telling.

Good luck!

janbb's avatar

If you have been with this man for only seven months and this is already happening, I would advise you not to stay in the relationship. A relationship this short should not be going ice cold this soon. Move on before you get more invested. Of course, only you can decide what it means to you.

blueiiznh's avatar

I agree with @janbb . This is a pretty short period of time in the relationship to have to consider this. This is a huge red flag to me if you have clearly stated your concerns and needs and he still does not take it serious.
I think you stated it perhaps in your last sentence and a “cooling off period” might need to be suggested. Your SO should be able to listen to your needs and desires and act on them when things you are communicating them. Having to raise it a notch to try to get more attention should not be needed this quick in a relationship.

Ela's avatar

I completely agree with @janbb. Don’t settle and think it will change for the better. It will probably only get worse as time goes by.
Move on before you invest any more time. If you want to give it a chance then continue to date but not exclusively. Keep your options open. Though I believe red flags should not become brick walls, him not listening and taking your concerns seriously is a massive red flag, to me.

Meego's avatar

I agree with the others. But I’m also wondering if you’ve reached that ‘comfortable’ spot. Sometimes an SO can get so comfortable they rely on you to do everything. Do you know what I mean? It certainly makes the relationship one sided. If he doesn’t change I suggest don’t lower your standards and find someone who will treat you as an equal or better than an equal…then you will be happy. :)

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