Yes. It is. Putting the children in the middle is cruel and abusive. Regardless of your feelings towards you spouse, you should never belittle them in front of the Children.
My first daughters father was a relationship I had at a very vulnerable time in my life. I allowed him to emotionally abuse me and believed I didn’t deserve better.
When I found out I was pregnant, it was like a cloud was lifted. I thought to myself, “I can’t raise a child in this kind of atmosphere!” I immediately started getting my life in order. I moved back in with my mom.
I was only 19 and this was 31 years ago. When I applied for welfare he first denied she was his and said he was going to “prove I was sleeping around.” Then he said he was going to try to get custody.
This was all because he didn’t want to pay child support. The amount ordered was only $100 per month and he paid less than $500. Her entire life.
In spite of all this, I never said a negative word about him to her and I never denied him access to her. (although he only saw her twice in her life, when she was newborn and when she was 8.)
When she asked why I didn’t marry him I told her that we had religious differences that we couldn’t overcome. (Which was true, in addition to the abuse.)
When she was 16 she decided that she wanted to talk to him. I hunted him down and she called him. She talked to him every night for nearly a week.
Finally, she said, “Mom, why didn’t you warn me? He’s a self centered jerk! I thought I would find a dad who cared about me and would listen to me, and all he wants to do is talk about himself and convert me.”
She contacted him when her first child was born and hasn’t talked to him since. I think she has way more respect for me now that I didn’t put her father down. In my opinion, he is a part of her, and to put him down in front of her would have been to belittle her as well.