As if happens, @Pandora, I have bipolar disorder. I’m a person, not an idiot. Even if my brain is all foggy, I’m still a person, and I want to make my own choices. I want to decide to take the meds or not. My choice. Not anyone else’s.
I have experienced taking a med and having my mind change almost overnight. I have had thoughts one day, and three days later been unable to even think those thoughts (mostly suicidal). It raises some serious existential issues. Who am I if you can introduce a few chemicals in my brain and my personality changes in a few days? Which me is me?
All of us have to deal with that, and I think we all arrive at our own unique answers to those kinds of questions. For me, they are all me. All the mes are me. I’m the happy guy. I’m the guy who wants to end all the pain and is willing to die if there is no other way out. I’m the guy who has multiple lovers and the guy who is loyal to his wife. Both of them. I’m the guy who can’t do a thing and the guy who can do a lot of things. I’m the guy who can’t think because I’m so dull, and the guy who is really creative. I’m the smart guy and I’m the dull guy.
I don’t want to stay on my meds. I don’t like peeing every hour. I don’t like trembling fingers. I don’t like having trouble waking up. I don’t like rashes. I don’t like depression, either. I don’t like being dependent on drugs. I don’t know if I am dependent on drugs.
And I also do like being depressed sometimes. I like how it brings me in touch with everyone’s pain, and how it reminds me of where people are coming from. I like how people can empathize with me when I’m depressed, and when I’m not, they think I’m an asshole. Some people like me better when I’m depressed. I even like feeling like I don’t fucking care any more, and I’m going to die. I like the way I can give up on everything when I’m depressed. I can stop fighting. I like being able to acknowledge how useless and stupid I am.
But I don’t want to be depressed even though it is a big part of me. Except when I don’t mind being depressed. I take my meds. I hope to stop taking them, but I won’t do that without the consultation of my shrink.