A story for you all, including the worst English words we could conjure up:
My dear friend Blaylock was an interesting character. He was a wee little guy, a severe case of anaphylaxis had inhibited his growth from a young age. One cold February morning, I went to his house for a large glass of Lard Glug. He sat me down in his kitchen, avoiding eye contact at all costs. I asked him what was wrong and he simply replied “Promise not to tell anyone?”. I nodded and agreed as all good friends would do. He immediately began explaining some atrocity that had recently developed on his bottom. I asked to see it, giving that I was a doctor and was an expert in odd cases like his. He pulled down his pants and I saw a grotesque pustule. It was oozing all sorts of junk and pus. His pubes were stuck to it and the moist blob looked as though it was breathing! I immediately puked everywhere, barely able to grasp what I just saw. I looked at it again (which took some gonads, I’ll tell ya!) and squished it with my finger. A disgusting secretion of black and green color seeped out of the lump. Blaylock screamed so loudly I thought he was about to disembowel me! “Well Doc, what is it?! Hemorrhoids? Syphilis? Gonorrhea?”. “I have no clue.” I replied. I reached into my doctor’s bag. Giving that it was 9 years after the Zombie Apocalypse, we had come up with alternative medicine for these types of cases. I pulled out a bag of cockroaches, some turkey giblets, goat placenta, bird diarrhea, and some pungent testicular matter of a toad. I threw it all in a bowl and stirred it with the bones of Justin Beiber. I played the old classic “Peace, Love, Tolerance, Understanding, and Friendship” on my glockenspiel as I waited for my mixture to brew. Once it was done, I slathered the moist ointment upon his bottom. All of a sudden, a small alien popped out of Blaylock’s ass. We were stunned at first. The little alien stood up immediately and looked extremely confused. “Am I on Planet Cunt?” he asked. We both nodded our heads “no” in complete disbelief. “What are you doing here, little dude?” Blaylock asked. The alien replied “I was an anesthesiologist on Planet Cunt until a giant war broke out. To escape apartheid, I immediately hopped into a ship all alone and somehow I ended up in some dude’s ass.” All of a sudden, piles of goo squirted out of the alien. It rained down on top of mine and Blaylock’s head. “What the hell is that shit!?!” I screamed. The alien replied “Oh, that’s just schmuck, it’s how I reproduce! It ain’t that bad!”. Out of nowhere, thousands of little aliens popped up out of the schmuck and scurried about the house. Irregardless of all of this weirdness, Blaylock asked the little alien dudes if they wanted to stick around for some panninis, biscottis, capuccinos, and espressos. I left his house in a rush, blaming it on my diabetes. I couldn’t stand any more weirdness. 6 months later, I found out that Blaylock and his little alien friend got married and had 1600 children. THE END.
Sheesh! That was hard.