Sorry this is a bit long (okay VERY long). With hindsight, I did see some flags but I didn’t always act on them or even recognise them at that time. In my previous marriage when we did have problems we went to counselling (that happened three times over the 17 years). We worked on those red flags and things got better and then went downhill again. It wasn’t cut and dried.
I did all of those things. I rationalised some problems, ignored others, hoped things would go away and yes, blamed myself. I wanted things to work out. Especially in a long-term relationship and particularly if there are children involved, you have a lot invested. It is difficult to leave. It is never black and white. It wasn’t always terrible. There was good and bad. The decision couldn’t just be about me either. While I do believe we have to look after ourselves to take the best care of those we are responsible for, it can’t be just about you and your needs. So there is a lot of trying to work out if you are just being selfish? What is the best for all concerned? All while you are in the middle of this crap and trying to figure out what is going on. Emotions are at times running very high and you feel like a failure. Like you should be able to fix things and make it work.
It is a huge decision to admit to yourself – “this is never going to work and I have to move on – for all concerned”.
You also may not have all the story. I didn’t. I found things out after I made the decision that showed me the decision was spot on. I was seriously flabbergasted by what I discovered after we separated. Both by the things I discovered but also by how blind I had been. If someone wants to hide things and you believe in that person and trust them, it isn’t hard to pull the wool over your eyes. And the person my ex became after we separated was a person I didn’t know existed! It was like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I seriously looked at what was happening and the venom that ensued and had no idea who I was dealing with. I was still operating in terms of the person I thought I ‘knew’ and he was operating as the person he actually was.
Moving on may be the right thing, but as the song say “Breaking up is hard to do” and it is. And then, hopefully it is the best thing you did. It was for me and my children. Still a sad thing though.