I don’t think so. I mean, in theory, I’m interesting, funny, sensitive, creative and wise. My wife married a dancer and a political activist, who was also a good cook. But I had the potential for psychological difficulties, a weight problem, a lack of self-confidence, and a tendency towards self-hatred. I had also never demonstrated an ability to be faithful, as a lover.
Since I knew what I knew, I don’t think I would have married myself. Although I also knew that I am essentially a good person, whatever that means. I try. I hurt people in the process, but not because I want to. I try to make up for that hurt as best I can. But I also have this deep down feeling that I am essentially unforgiveable. I’m not Catholic or anything, but perhaps I should have been. But there’s something essentially wrong with me.
I don’t think I lied or pretended to be anyone other than who I was, but how much can you say? I didn’t even know this stuff back then. If I ever had another chance with someone, I would make it as clear as possible that there is this problem I have, but that I wanted them anyway. I don’t think that I would be able to choose me, anyway. But other people seem to have a greater capacity for forgiving me than I have.
Well, one of us is a fool. I just don’t know which one. I sure hope it’s me.