That feeling you have is centuries of society dictating people’s behavior. I still think it doesn’t feel right to have a woman pay for me on a first date, because I was taught to pay for the woman. But I’m aware this isn’t an actual rule, it’s just the effect the propaganda had on my upbringing.

Have your fun until it fizzles out, and it most likely will, because some people seem to always turn possessive.

Do you mean that neither of them knows you’re dating other people, or you just don’t share details about one with the other?

How would you feel if you found out that one of them was seeing/sleeping with someone else?

No. Too much work and stress and anxiety, I’m a one guy at a time type.

@nikipedia Just don’t share the details, I guess I feel like what’s the point? We’re nowhere near dating so….and I guess if I found out one of them was seeing someone else or sleeping with someone else, I’d feel okay about that. It’s fair. If either of the relationships progressed further than they have til this point, then things might get more complicated. I don’t want that to happen. That’s when things get ugly and is what I’m trying to avoid.

I’m a serial monogamist, so, no.

As long as they are aware of the other, so they have the option out. I personally don’t want to eat someone else’s sloppy seconds, but that’s just me.

If you haven’t done this already, it might make you feel better to just have a touching base conversation with both of them, and make sure everyone is ok with everyone else dating.

Other than that, enjoy yourself :)

No, but it’s probable.

No.

about 10 I think. But I was drugged at the time, so I am not sure.

If it feels not right to you don’t do it. It does not matter what anyone else has done or what they think. if you are curious, you might do it, and then afterwards you will live with knowing for sure that is not your cup of tea, or deciding it is ok. I say listen to your gut, but even if you do venture into doing it, you are old enough now to be able to handle it is you have some regret I would think. Just be safe, condoms and all that.

To answer the main question, no, I have never had more than one sex partner at a time.

@Blackberry is on the right track. This is a case of embedded social standards. Despite the sexual revolution that took place years ago, this niggling guilt process still exists in many people.

What is important is that you are first tested for STDs. Insist that your partners do it as well.

No.

Nah, i’m a one woman at a time bloke, i’m good like that.

No. My limited experience has always been serial monogamy. How would you feel if you found out the guy just had sex with someone else yesterday? That’s why he couldn’t go to dinner last night. No matter how careful, eventually the secret will get out.
If I were a guy in that position I would most likely drop you. Decide which one you want to keep and plan ahead.

So, Joe, you know I date other people, right?

Sure.

I mean, you know, like daaaate them?

Uh. Deni. What are you trying to say?

You know. Like I dayate other people.

Ohhhhhhh. You mean, you date them? Right. Gotcha. Like, uh, Larry? Is that who else you are…. dayating?

Yeah. Larry. He’s cool. I like him. But we’re just dating.

Dating? Or dating?

Well, yeah. Dayataing!

Right, Deni. Gotcha. Does Larry know we’re dayating, too?

Uh. Kinda.

Ok then. Kinda. Long as we got that all straight.

I’m so glad I never dated in my life.

I have had several sexual experiences with different partners with a rather quick “turn-around”.. But I have never had an ongoing “relationship” with multiple partners.

Honestly, I would say (and this is largely speaking from just my own viewpoint on it), you should probably knock it off with at least one of them. I know you’re not “dating” either of them, but this is a recipe for hurt feelings.

If I were in your position, and I didn’t see a future with person A or person B, I would probably stop seeing them. When I was single I enjoyed “mingling” a bit myself, but it becomes awkward and problematic when you drag it out past a few “sessions” or past more than the occasional meeting.

So in summary, I would “dump” one of them, or both of them. If I didn’t see a future with either of them, I would “dump” both of them for sure.

I was really young and I’m sure not everyone reacts this way.
I found the experience devastating. I had a sort of breakdown and it felt like my spirit was being split in several directions.
I realized that for me, sex was way more than just a physical act. There was something really spiritual about it and it was harmful for me to treat it so casually.

It’s probably different for men than it is for women, in general. It’s probably different for everybody, for that matter. So no one else’s experience will be very similar to yours, other than they had more than one lover at a time.

When I was in my early twenties, there was a period of time when I had several relationships going on at once and they all included sex. I had my regular girlfriend to whom I made it clear I was not monogamous, and I had two other girlfriends that I slept with occasionally. Each had their own boyfriend. Pretty much everyone knew what and who everyone else was doing. We were all friends. Most of us lived together.

It really was the happiest time of my life, but then one of the girls had to go and fall in love with someone who was not in our circle. Then she pretty much moved in with him. I was pretty upset that she was not living with us any more and stupidly, I forced the issue and made her move out. If I had it to do over again, I’d let her pay rent but not live there as long as she wanted.

But those are particular circumstances at a particular time. We all knew each other and were all very fond of each other and we all trusted each other a lot. This was pre-AIDS, too.

I felt that having a tight web of intimate friends and lovers made life wonderful. The lack of jealousy was important. It was only when the women started sleeping with men outside our circle that things got to be a problem.

Other than that, I have generally been monogamous. My preference is to be with one person who I love the most and feel the strongest connection with. I have never been a person for light relationships. I think depth and intensity are very important and that sex makes relationships move to the most intimate level. In those days, I believed it was not a problem to have more than one intense relationship at a time. Nowadays, I prefer only one.

I have, yes. It never bothered me, and I’ve always been able to see sex and love as distinctly separate things (that obviously go well together, but not necessarily so). I was always upfront about it, though. Right from the get-go, I would mention that I was seeing other people. Just because you don’t think you’re dating, doesn’t mean that one or both of these guys sees it the same way. Be safe about it, too!

Please clear something up for this 40-year-old who never dated… So you hang around together, and you’re having sex, but you’re not dating?!?!

Soooo… what would “dating” look like then?

@cprevite Kids today! They use “dating” as a term for a committed relationship of some kind. Like we used “going together”.

Your guilt is between you and whoever you pray to. I was once doing this with 3 guys at once and felt no guilt or any compulsion to tell each of them. I had made no commitment to any of them, so I could do whatever and whomever I pleased. As could they, for that matter. The situation will sort itself out in the end.

@cprevite I have come to find that people define dating terms VERY differently. So what you define as “dating,” other people see just fooling around with people OR in a committed relationship. My personal definitions are:
Fuck Buddy = someone who I purely just get together with and have sex with. There is no going out or much else other than the sex really.
Seeing Someone = We go out, we actually have a conversation, and have sex, but all parties are still free to do whomever they want.
Dating someone = This is a fuzzy term for me. While it has all the qualities of Seeing Someone, I make the personal decision that I am going to only have sex with this person and try to turn it into a relationship. However, no commitment has truly been made (only me in my head).
In a Relationship = And finally, we have had The Conversation and we both agree to be monogamous

@Ponderer983 That’s a pretty darn good list. There are a few others that could be added:
* One Night Stand
* Polygamy
* Open Marriage

There are probably others.

@cprevite Friends with benefits

@deni Yes, I have been in open relationships before. I have not been in anything that I would consider to be polyamorous relationship, however.

I take an open relationship to be one where you are dating one person, but (possibly) sleeping with more than one person. A polyamorous relationship would be when you are dating more than one person, and only sleeping with those people whom you are dating. An open polyamorous relationship would then be when you are dating more than one person, and sleeping with more than just those whom you are dating.

When in an open relationship, everything is done by permission. I work out with my partner what is and isn’t allowed (is spontaneous sex okay, or does s/he have to know in advance? are all kinds of sex okay, or just some? are repeated encounters with one person okay, or must they all be random and one-time only?). Tristan Taormino’s Open Relationship Checklist is really useful for this. I also make sure that my outside sex partner knows that I’m in an (open) relationship.

Now, this is all a bit different from what you describe in the OP. In my case, the openness is part of the structure of my relationship. It’s all out in the open, and everyone knows everything (or as much as they want to know, it’s not like full details are required). What it sounds like you are doing, though, is trying out two guys while figuring out which one you like better. That’s different. I’d say go with your gut. If it feels wrong, it probably is. Not morally wrong. I don’t think you’re doing anything bad by sleeping with both of these guts at once. But if it’s making you feel sleazy, then it’s bad for you in a different way.

So what you need to do is figure out what makes it bad for you. Maybe you’re just not cut out for non-monogamy (which is fine! no judgment!). If so, you need to choose one over the other. But your OP makes it seem like the real problem is that you feel bad because you’re hiding something from these guys. I think that means you need to have a discussion with them. It could be something simple—just a “hey, we’re not exclusive, right?” kind of thing. That alone might be enough to lift all the guilt and sleaziness right off your shoulders.

Be tactful about it, obviously. You don’t have to come right out and say “I’m sleeping with other people” (unless it turns out you still feel sleazy if you don’t do that). But I think the real problem is that you’re unsure what these men expect of you. You need to define your relationships (or non-relationships) with them. Not a sit-down “we need to talk” thing (the five scariest words to a man are “where is this relationship going?”). Just something subtle. Maybe even take it from the other direction. See if you can catch him checking a woman out, call him on it, and say something like “it’s not like we’re going steady or anything, you can look at whoever you want!” when he apologizes. (This isn’t to say he shouldn’t be allowed to look if you do start dating. Everyone should be allowed to look. It’s just a phrase that would probably work.)

Thanks all. I think I got it now. Yeesh. ;^*)

If they know of one another and even if they don’t but you are clear that you’re not exclusive with either, then it doesn’t matter. Our society values monogamy for lots of reasons many of which have little to do with whether it’s ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ Do what’s right for you. I have had multiple partners at one time. As you know I’m in an open marriage and that’s what I prefer.

Many years ago I had broken off a relationship and over the next few months got to know two new people well enough to to be Dayataing them both. It was really fantastic for a while. I’d spend Friday night with one of them, take the rest of Saturday for myself, and see the other Sunday. Both different enough, too, it was simply fascinating.

In fact the only bad part about that time was that it could be exhausting. I put a lot into my relationships, and here I had two of them to keep up with! I never lied to either of them after initially establishing that I was seeing ‘other people’ but it never really came up. After several months like that each of them thought she had me to herself.

Of course it had to end, choices were forced. Damn, that was sad.

it is called a poly relationship. Be safe, stay STD free and have guilt free fun all you want. I limit mine to no more than 15 at a time, but that is just me. Oh yea, they are my slaves…..

This didn’t pan out for long and I’m really glad. No mas. I really enjoyed a lot of the insight yall shared though, made me think about a lot of aspects of it in different ways. THank you.

@deni Hope it worked out without any hard feelings between anyone.

@deni Thanks for the update. I hope you managed it without hurting yourself – or anyone else.

Neither of them were at all serious, one is a coworker who I still get along well with and the other is just a friend. It hadn’t progressed far enough to be ugly or for there to be hurt feelings. Yay. Yip!

I did, throughout my single/young years. They were all commitment phobes or married so I didn’t care. It was very stressful at times, though.