Social Question

Eggie's avatar

Should I tell her my true feelings?

Asked by Eggie (5867points) April 17th, 2012
17 responses
“Great Question” (2points)

I am interested in taking this girl out on a date with me. I have already asked her and she said that she would but it would happen maybe next month when exams are over. She talks to me great but she is not the flirty type in public. I told my friend who is married and he says that is great that she accepted and that is how a relationship can start. I am not sure though if I should really come out and express my true feelings on that date right away. Should I do this or should I do it before or should I go out with her a few times and then ask her to be in a relationship?

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ninjacolin's avatar

a month away? jesus. I would think she’s trying to ditch you really and sucks at it. but who knows. maybe that’s just her thing. What country are you from? how old are you?

Yea, so newsflash: you already are in a relationship with her. You’re in a relationship with me just by virtue of my responding to your question.

the only thing you have to do is build on what you’ve got so far. Hint: Try to make it good and fun. see where things end up.

You don’t have to talk about the relationship thing til after you’ve clocked some hours together.

Eggie's avatar

@ninjacolin are you serious? It is very interesting that you say that I am in a relationship with her…very interesting indeed ( and very spirit lifting too :) ) I really do not think that she is trying to ditch me because we go to university together and we take some of the same classes so I know the pressure involved. From her body language towards me she does not seem uncomfortable around me and in fact we have really great conversations on facebook, besides which it was me who made the decision to date next month because I wanted to show concern for our studies…did not want to look desperate either….I am 26 by the way and I am from Trinidad.

ninjacolin's avatar

well, if you wanna follow my advice (you don’t have to) here’s what I’d say:
don’t tell her shit yet. And keep that month-away-date in your pocket. She already said yes to it so make it a good one but don’t hold it over her head like an anvil. Just remind her a week or so before it comes up.

Until then, keep adding to your relationship when you see her in class, and be honest about the fact that you could use a study buddy and invite her to study together/do lunch at least once week until the real date.

these study dates are dates of course but don’t frame them that way. They’re just good time you can spend together to add to your existing relationship.

syz's avatar

Whoa, you need to chill and go on a few dates, see how it goes. That’s a lot of pressure on her, proclaiming your feelings – she may not have decided how she feels about you yet. Give her time to get to know and like you, see if there’s chemistry. (Personally, I’ve avoided second dates with men who seemed too pushy, or too clingy, or too needy.)

At the end of the date, a “I had a wonderful time with you, and I’d like to see you again” is enough to let her know that you like her without making her uncomfortable.

syz (35649points)“Great Answer” (4points)
GladysMensch's avatar

If and when it happens…it’s a first date. First dates are for getting to know each other. Go out for coffee or dinner, do something where you can have a conversation. Keep it simple, and by all means, do not tell her “your true feelings”. You are attracted to her and find her interesting. That was established when you asked her out. There is no need to keep saying it. Just be yourself and have a good time.

wundayatta's avatar

What are your true feelings? And how do you know what they are? Has a lot happened between you on Facebook? Perhaps you are already quite intimate on Facebook, but this is the first time you will do anything in person. That’s a lot different than going out for a first date in person and that’s the first time you’ve ever spoken much at all.

But if you have not spoken of feelings on Facebook, then the first date is a pretty risky time to do so. You really don’t know her and she’ll think you are weird to have feelings for her already. She’ll think you don’t know her and are imagining who she is. She won’t trust you.

You have to get to know a person for a while before you say much about feelings. Sometimes, it is clear very quickly that you both feel something for each other, but it has to be mutual. It can’t be one-sided. If you feel powerfully about her and you sense that she returns those feelings, then you can talk about them. Even then, be careful. Build up gradually. If you go too fast for your love, she can easily get spooked and run.

JLeslie's avatar

No. Don’t tell her how you feel about her. Do be in touch with her, talk to her, keep the conversation going. You can tell her how much you like talking to her, or that you are looking forward to going out. A nice compliment about how she looks every so often, but no mushy I really like you stuff. Not now, and not onnthe first date. Just have fun for now, get to know each other. If you click on your date plan another.

Have you made the date? Meaning her exams are done April 28th and you are taking her out May 1st?

marinelife's avatar

Wait until you have dated her a few times before teling her you are beginning to have feelings for her.

If it is a month before you can go out, you could give her something small to help her keep thinking of you: flowers or a plant or a CD of music you both like.

CWOTUS's avatar

Oh, god spare us. Your “true feelings” right now are that you are “interested in taking this girl on a date”. You’re not in love with her, no matter how cute, intelligent, witty, tough or vulnerable she is, or you think she is. That’s just it: you’re interested. She already knows that, since you talk to her and asked her on a date.

More relationships are killed in the first few dates by (usually men) making declarations of undying love that are totally inappropriate and premature.

Take the girl on a date; have fun with her and be nice to her. Call her afterward and repeat the process as necessary. By the time you tell her “I love you”, she should be ready and at least receptive. Don’t tell her today, okay? For your sake, for my sake, for the sake of men everywhere, do not tell her that you’re in love with her until… oh, until the third date at least, okay? Please?

john65pennington's avatar

Putting your date off for a month can mean one of two things…..that she is truly interested in time to study for her exams or she is not interested in having a date with you. Only you can figure this out.

Hold back on telling her how you feel about her. Play this by ear and see what developes on a date or two.

You may feel this way about her, but there is no guarantee that she feels the same about you.

What’s the big rush??

JustPlainBarb's avatar

Can’t you just take it one step at a time? You’re going to scare her off if you want to tell her your “feelings” right away. Better to just take it one step at a time and see how you both feel after you get to know each other better.

Coming on too strong isn’t a good thing. So many relationships fail because people jump into them without really knowing each other.

Just wait and see if she actually goes out with you and then take it slowly from there.

Eggie's avatar

@CWOTUS Lol…. OK thank you very much for your input. I have not gone out on the date with her yet but telling a girl that I liked her before we went out was successful for me with my past relationship—which was why I liked her so much before we went downhill :(— I really understand what all of you are saying and I will comply to all of your advice. I always like to come out and say what my intentions are because I do not want to mislead anybody and quite frankly I just think that it is the courageous thing to do and I do not like to waste time, but I really like this advice and I will adhere to it. By the way, has any of you out there still has a successful relationship today because you all had adhered to this advice?

Eggie's avatar

@john65pennington she did not say that we should go out when exams are was me. I did not want to seem to pushy and I also wanted to show concern for our exams. I could be wrong, but by speaking to her I have not gotten any kind of body language that she is repulsed by me in any way…as a matter of fact she told me that I am really smart…..:D. When I asked her out she was like “no problem”. I am supposed to bring some fruit for her and my class tomorrow…lol

JLeslie's avatar

My husband and I met at a dance club. He happened to know the girl I went with, but we had scoped each other out before we knew we had a friend in common. We danced a little, talked very little actually, and traded numbers. He called me a day or two later wanting to take me out. I told him I had friends coming to town. He asked when are they leaving. I told him Tuesday. He said he would call me after they leave. He called me Wednesday and asked if I wanted to go out dancing again on Saturday. I said yes. Then he said, “but I don’t want to wait to see you until Saturday, how about we go to dinner Thursday?” I thought it was very sweet. He was patient. When he knew I wanted to go out, then he threw in wanting to see me as soon as possible, which was nice. We had a great date. We talked, we both ordered cokes with no ice. I went home so excited! I don’t remember if we kissed that night funny enough. I don’t think we did. I think we had our first date after the night out dancing on Saturday.

JLeslie's avatar

@Eggie I just read your post, I think you can tell her you don’t want to wait two weeks, how about going to lunch one day?

Eggie's avatar

Just an update on this situation….she has refused to go out with me by making a lot of excuses but still talks to me on fb….im still trying….

CWOTUS's avatar

I hadn’t seen your earlier update.

Telling a girl that you like her is usually no problem at all. People like to be liked. It’s when you start to get into “declaration creep” that trouble starts: I like you—> I really like you—> I can’t believe how much I like you—> I’m in love with you.

And don’t tell her over and over again that you like her, either, or she’ll think you’re just trying to convince her by repetition, or worse, convince yourself.

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