My previous attempt at college took me down a notch. For some reason I just had a really difficult time coping with leaving home. Seemed like I was the only one – what was wrong with me? And then there was the academic trouble I had. I was great at anything theory related, but when it came to the “hands on” work in the lab I was a flailing mess. I was starting to think I was useless outside of academia, which was a disappointment because I had dreams of being an engineer.
And I was sick, sick enough that I had to take a leave of absence and come home after just one quarter. That felt crummy too. I was starting to doubt my abilities to do college. And it felt like it was partially my fault, because my disease was aggravated by stress. Maybe if I had just been better at managing my stress, maybe I wouldn’t be so sick.
So I had to sit around my parents’ house for more than a year, not accomplishing anything, not moving forward in life. That really made me feel awful about myself.
My grandma has dementia, and when I would go to visit her during that year it seemed like she only remembered the shameful things about me. That I had had to drop out of college, that I still didn’t have my driver’s license. It’s not her fault of course, but it felt awful, like my only memorable traits were my failures.
Ahh, but it’s always darkest before the dawn. I got my body sorted out and I went back to college and this time around I kicked ass. I took a robotics engineering class that involved a lot of lab work and that was notorious for being difficult, and I certainly wasn’t a natural at it, but I put in a lot of elbow grease and ended up building a pretty damn good robot. I have a job lined up for next year after two very competitive rounds of interviews. I’m pleased as punch with myself, actually. :)