@gailcalled
Yes at the time I was starting out in the community and trying to edge into a better life. I didn’t have enough fruit of the spirit to cope with the loss that comes from moving out of my parents home after being enabled for a very long time. I went from living with rich parents to being poor alone and desperate for attention and connections. I had little social skills and I feared being found out to be unable to fulfil my ambitions. All I had were my stories so I built my life around Dungeons and Dragons, comic books and novels… Seeing that I rarely ever get the chance to play or to have friends I really went into the character. I had hoped that A life time of reading stories could get me noticed by the science fiction community. I disliked working a nine to five job because I had faith that I could have a better life in a job I liked.
People react to my old stories because I link my personal struggles with a cry of desperation with hopes that someone would here my and free me from the struggles from day to day life.
The piece of the story I don’t tell is that I want to be a kid again that I don’t want to deal with adult problems just yet… I needed a few extra years to be raised…and I was willing to put my life on hold until I became a man and was able to cope with very basic things like, doing household chores and laundry.
I wanted to be a house husband one day and write as a hobby with a nice family until I was able to earn a living on telling stories.
Yes but the stories get better when not corrected, At the time I had plenty of hate and a lack of respect for others… to the point that I was becoming vengeful trough my stories. I choose to get help and I was helped… the little bit of money helps me care for myself, and I can avoid others until I matured enough to tell positive stories that people liked or at least until I could find a job in a comic book store in Edmonton.
I was deliberately being selfish because I couldn’t handle being socially inept and alone, and I wanted some one to take me away and care for me until I was ready to be more independent.
The concept of a evil bard is gone and I got help for being a jerk with the help of the community. Now my goal in life is to enjoy it and to just be a normal person who does his laundry and pays his bills and loves his mom, I still like writing and I like being gentle and kind… It feels better than being mean and begging others for help.
And yes I really wanted to build a time machine and give my self a hug in the past so I could have someone to cry with because I could never trust anyone to comfort me after I got burned in too many bad relationships and too many lost chances to understand that I am just human and I don’t need to put that much pressure on myself for things that I don’t want or am not ready for, yet, like a girlfriend or a car, or a cool job.