General Question

CupcakesandTea's avatar

Why is my fiance's ex wife suddenly contacting him?

Asked by CupcakesandTea (353points) October 10th, 2012
14 responses
“Great Question” (1points)

My very soon to be husband’s ex wife texted him suddenly the other day. They haven’t spoken in years and didn’t exactly end on friendly terms (she cheated). She had children with another man and my fiance lived with her and her children for a few years. She texted him the other day after somehow getting his number and asked him if he would like to see the kids who are now teenagers and I assume she would be in the picture. He did not hide this from me and in fact told me about it. What’s her deal? Is it really about the children or him? She knows he is with me because he is friends with one of the kids on Facebook. It just kind of weirds me out and I am not sure if she has a hidden motive.

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Kayak8's avatar

We don’t know her, so guessing her motives is pretty much impossible. He was frank with you and his actions are the only thing you can go on. Sounds like a stand-up guy from your question. I wouldn’t read too much into it.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

I see one of two possibilities:

1) This is resentful dig at him. She is trying to make him feel guilty and obligated to pay attention to the children, because she was dwelling on him for some reason. Bad news.

2) She feels bad she cheated and worries that her mistake may have harmed her children emotionally somehow. So she is trying to repair the damage. That is good news and probably healthy.

If he wants to see the kids, he should. He will be able to quickly figure it out, and it sounds like he is not hiding stuff from you.

mangeons's avatar

Seeing as we don’t know this woman at all, we have no idea what her intent could possibly be. Maybe the kids have expressed the desire to see their dad. Maybe she feels as if he should be part of their life now. Maybe this is just a ploy so that she can have an excuse to see him. No one could possibly know except her.

He was upfront about it with you, so obviously he is not trying to sneak around with her. If he wants to see his kids, don’t fight with him about it. Let him make his own decision.

jca's avatar

I would be reassured by the fact that he told you everything when it occurred. If I were you, it would be even more reassuring if, when he goes to meet with them/her, he brings you along.

jca (36054points)“Great Answer” (3points)
wundayatta's avatar

It is best for his children if he is in their lives. It is very common for second wives to not want their husbands to have much to do with children from a prior relationship.

They aren’t his children biologically, but perhaps they think of him as a father? If so, it would be good for them if he still had contact.

Not sure why you are worried about this. Do you think his ex would be able to get him back? If so, then you may want to consider putting off the wedding.

woodcutter's avatar

Two people separate and are both unattached and not thinking much about one another until…one learns the other is moving on and that sometimes stirs up sudden feelings. The ex is seeing him moving on but doesn’t want him to move to far… on. Hence the kids. They are going to be a link maybe not an emotional one but a link non the less. It could be a good thing.

hearkat's avatar

My son considers the man that lived with us when my son was 8–14 years old his “dad”. I always encouraged him to keep in touch, even after we broke up (which was in 2005). They are in contact occasionally, and got together recently, when my ex was in the area (he moved out of state).

However, if your fiancé is already keeping in touch with the kids directly, then I can see you questioning their mom texting him. However, maybe the kids did say they’d like to see him, and she is giving the OK and making arrangements. It is possible to be mature and friendly with one’s exes, and not have ulterior motives.

As others say, the fact that your fiancé has been completely open about this with you is a sign that regardless of what his ex is thinking, he respects you.

Be as forthcoming with him as he’s been with you, and tell him that you’re a little suspect that his ex might be trying to manipulate him in some way, but let him make his own decisions how to handle it. Of you attempt to manipulate him to not get together with them, it could drive a wedge between you.

If he loves you deeply and is committed as a fiancé should be, then you have nothing to worry about. If he doesn’t, then it’s better to find out now rather than later.

Bellatrix's avatar

Perhaps one of his children is sick or is going through some problem that she feels their father needs to know about. Perhaps she wants his help with one of the children. As has been suggested, perhaps the children have expressed a desire to make contact with their father. Is there a reason why you feel insecure about his ex? If he isn’t in contact with this children, I would see this as a positive for your fiance and his children, not a negative.

hearkat's avatar

@Bellatrix: They’re not his biological kids… his ex had them from a previous relationship.

woodcutter's avatar

Is there a child support situation? Even if a non biological father figure has not legally adopted the womans kids he still may choose to help them.

Bellatrix's avatar

My kids aren’t my husband’s children but if we separated I know my husband would want to know if one of them was having troubles or was sick. He has been their ‘dad’ for longer than their real father so I would be really surprised if they didn’t want to keep some contact with him too even if we broke up. There might be a healing period but I would hope they at least maintain their relationship. As has been said, the only person who knows why she wants contact is his ex, but it might not have anything to do with their relationship. It might be about the children.

Coloma's avatar

Yes, as others have said, he has been honest with you and it is impossible to try and predict what, if any, motives” she has.
Maybe she is just offering up a chance for him to see the kids whose life he was once a part of.
I wouldn’t worry, and besides, any emotional impact on your part is really a reflection of your own insecurities. People DO change and grow and one should never assume dark intentions without reasonable cause.

Paradox25's avatar

It is very common for an ex to pop up in their lives when they know they’re with somebody else. I’m not saying that this is happening here and I don’t know enough about this situation on top of things, but from what I’ve seen happen so many times before I would advise you to use caution here.

mzcarter's avatar

As the others have posted it may be nothing more than it appears, but I too would be cautious until reason given. Why? Because my experience says it is not always what it seems. My husband’s ex claimed she just wanted friendship then end up heavily flirting with my husband. Next she verbally attacked both of us via Facebook and phone when he didn’t want that kind of friendship. Just keep aware and continue open lines of communication. Best luck to ya.

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