I have had self-esteem and body image issues my whole life, resulting from psychological and sexual abuse in my childhood. I never had the obsessive component that seems to be a large part of the problem for you. I have also struggled between my sense of logic and reason and my emotions. You know that no one is perfect, and you don’t judge others based solely on their appearance, yet you hold yourself to some impossible standards, even though you know it makes no sense.
One of the first things that came to mind when you said that you don’t have money for a psychologist was that Plastic Surgeons aren’t free! Stop spending your time, money, and energy on the superficial changes, and make the investment in the substantial change that you need in terms of your mental health.
But that gets to the heart of the issue… you have to consider yourself worthy of that investment. You know that “wherever you go, there you are,” so no costly makeup or plastic surgery will stop you from finding something negative about your appearance to hate. You know that although your boyfriend loves and accepts you as you are, your self-loathing will one day push him away—and part of you is OK with that, because you don’t feel like you deserve his love and affection, anyway.
To be able to move beyond such deep-rooted issues, one usually has to dig very deep through a lot of dirt and battle their own defense mechanisms in order to get to the true core issue that caused you to feel that all you have to offer to the world is your physical shell, and even that isn’t good enough. I don’t suggest doing it without the guidance and supervision of a trained professional.
If cost is truly an issue and not a scapegoat (again, I urge you to look at what you spend on health and beauty products and services – hair cuts and color, mani/pedis, facials, etc. – as well as plastic surgeons and clothing, shoes, bags, etc.), then go to NAMI.org to find help obtaining sliding-scale fee services. You can also look for support groups online and in your area.
Other things you can do to help change your perspective is to do volunteering. Helping others has multiple benefits, because not only do you help those less fortunate, but it gives you a sense of value in contributing for others’ benefit, but it also helps you see life and the world through someone else’s eyes. I think that for you to volunteer at a children’s hospital or a home for special-needs adults might give you a different understanding of the mind-body-spirit connection.
Something else that helps me handle being self-conscious (which used to be nearly paralyzing in social situations), is to remember that 99% of the people have things they can’t stand about themselves, and feel insecure about something… and those who seem so confident are often not. Most people are faking, or at least exaggerating, their confidence level. “Never let them see you sweat.” “Fake it ‘til you make it.” — I used to hate those ideas of being ‘fake’, but then I looked at those concepts as not pretending, but rather as practicing. I took the traits that I admired in others, and practiced behaving that way… yes, it felt unnatural at first, but knowing that it was a skill that I was developing to help me reach the goal of being more poised and socially confident reminded me that I was still being authentic. In time, those actions become more natural and a part of who I am. I am still learning and evolving, even in my late 40s.
I sense that you really want to move beyond these issues you have, and I hope that you will find the motivation and support system to help you work through it.