I’ve had a few and I hate to say that. It makes me sound weak. But each was different. One was crying none stop.
This last one, which was the the most severe I found different and strange. I left work that day, and I was numb. I switched off all my phones, TV’s and closed my door. I sat on the net. I didn’t think, I didn’t worry. Which was strange for me being neurotic. I was simply here on the net in the moment.
I had a sort of haziness around my brain. I can’t explain it. I didn’t clean, I didn’t bath I did nothing. This went on for month after month. I did bath eventually but it would take me an entire day of willing myself to do it. Afterwards I was so exhausted I cannot explain.
Lots of thing lost meaning to me, like the News, people, events, life outside of the window. I did wish I was dead. But I didn’t want to actually do it. At times I would go into a rage inside and want to harm myself very badly. I was going to cut my own throat open. I know this probably is shocking but there you go.
It has been one of the worse experiences of my life. I was alone, I had no one to share with I couldn’t afford help. No one checked in on me, no one cared. That has really changed my perception of people in a huge way.
I am trying Jake, day by day to re integrate back into life,. and so far to be honest I am not liking what I am seeing. That worries me.